sharpnpieces shattered

I wish he had just left me alone. I wish he hadn't written. There is nothing he has to say to me that he hadn't decided a year ago - and there is no way i could make him see that no matter how much talking I could do.

It has nothing to do with speaking the same language or not, what he said in the letter I had already heard in English. He never changed his point of view. He began to love me, he decided against it - and the rest was - oh heck, I don't know what it was.

All I know is that it bought up the same sorrow and frustration that I had been suffering with for a year....

The strange thing about this letter is that he wrote it when I had clearly packed my bags and was walking away. He seems compelled to keep me in it, just in case he changes his mind. He hopes he hasn't lost me :forever:... :he wants to be my friend - but not right now" "He dislikes children, but might want one someday" "He wants to be in love, but may not know what love means"

It would be easier if I really believed he was a bad person - but he isn't. He isn't trying to play me... he never was.

But all the same, he DID play with my heart. He was never my friend, he didn't know what this means.

My son was unfailingly polite and kind to him - so the "I'm not crazy about children" is nothing short of bigotry. Its insulting. My son is a human being, and deserving of hte same respect as all others.

I think women are also in the same category....

In fact, much of him seems to be based on bigotry and prejudgement.

I wish I could talk to him, but if he didn't hear me for a whole year, he will never hear me now. It would all be in vain. It would only hurt me. More.


This hurts, and I hate it.

I hope he gets therapy.

I miss him.

I went out last night on a date... with someone sweet, and rich, and kind, and innocent, and educated, and tall.... and British. Who called me Tuesday for a Friday night date. Who loves kids, and knows how hard being a single parent is.

NOTHING. I felt NOTHING. Because someone unworthy has taken up a place in my head, and right now, he is all my heart wants. He's nothing special. He's a child - a bigoted child raised by people who weren't particularly pleased by his arrival on planet earth. (golly gee... think this might be why they didnt manage to raise an adult?)

Sean admits to having 'baggage' - Ale doesnt wouldnt even understand what that meant.... but he smells right, and my poor soul is screaming out for him.

What is WRONG with me?????