All the reasons I hate you

I hate you because you sent me an email. And because you spelled my name wrong.
I hate you because you said "I want us to be friends, but not right now" - excuse me, but if we were not friends for an entire year while we were fucking each other, what makes you think we have any basis for friendship now?

I hate you because for an entire year, you tried to pretend that this wasn't serious. Guess what? Relationships between human beings ARE serious. ALWAYS.

I hate you because you KNEW I was falling in love with you, I ASKED YOUR PERMISSION, you bastard. I told you I was getting attached, I told you I was scared, I asked you if I was safe, and if it was OK - and you said it was.

I hate you for your lack of imagination. Any time I would speak to you of commitment, all you could hear was that I wanted to get married or something. Yes, I want a lifetime partner, but I never ever pressured you to be that to me.... (though, sometimes, I hoped it would work out....)

I hate you because you and I created this mess, and other men are helping me clean it up and reclaim myself.

I hate you because last night, Marcello took me to dinner to make me feel better. And he took me to Lobs. And I was wearing the dress I bought for you. And they sat me at the same table. And Marcello said that maybe you wouldnt love me because I didnt want to marry you.

Afterwards, Lisandro came over so I wouldnt be alone - and we went to the Festa, and because of you, I cant shoot anymore.

After we came back to my apartment, he tried to make love to me. But my stupid soul (you know, that thing that is us behind the voices in our heads.... the thing you dont believe in) wants YOU. I couldnt respond. I couldnt come. And this is with someone who knows and understands my body.... and loves me.... and he couldnt move me at all. I hate you because you didnt understand that sex between us was NOT a result of my experience, but because our souls knew each other. You are a fucking idiot.

I hate you because - because of you, I cannot eat. I havent eaten in a week. And my body looks better than it has since I was 17, and you aren't here to see it.

I hate you because every time I look around me, every time I go outside, everything reminds me of you. My clothes remind me of you. The skyline reminds me of you, the New York snow globe on my desk reminds me of you. I can't go anywhere in this whole city, because every single place I look carries your memory with it.

And I hate you most because I am not good at hating. Hating is not something that comes to me naturally, and now? Hating you is the only thing I know how to do to keep myself from loving you.