Running out of words....

Finally, finally - I seem to be running out of words. There is so little, really, left to say.

Its been 12 days since I made the decision, and 9 days since I broke it off, and 5 days of no contact, and I still hurt.

I still pretend to hope he will call me - and it will all be made right so that I will stop hurting, but the thing is that now, I have so very little left to say. After a year of being willfully unheard, what difference would any of it make? He had a year... and in that year, he never ever valued what we had - I think I overestimated him.

So, what would I say - if there were any hope of being heard, or understood? Just this, and no more:

1.) All relationships are serious. They are all serious, because we are all so precious and irreplaceable. And, we are all - each and every one of us, fragile, broken, and unstable. Unless of course, we have never suffered. And a person who has never suffered hasnt grown enough to have anything to give, because they are not yet fully human.

2.) Commitment is a way of life. It doesn't mean you need to get married, or have a house, or babies, or anything else. Commitment is about being where you are, with who you are with, and doing your best to love each person to the best of your ability. Its about willingness... dedication, and a life without a commitment to living is not worth living. Without commiting to our lives and those who share it with us, we are nothing important.

3.) Not growing up is not an option. Just like immortality is not an option. You can try and choose not to grow up, just like you can try and choose not to die. You are setting yourself up to fail - and you will hurt many people in the quest.

4.) You are already grown up. This is not a rehearsal for some day in the future where your real life begins. THIS is IT. And you never stop growing up. No one is a finished project until the day they die - and if you are a buddhist, not after either. If you resist growing up, what you are doing is refusing to grow at all. And that is truely pathetic.

5.) Talking yourself out of loving me was one of the stupidest things you will ever do in your life. Sexual soulmates are not something you get at the market. We were lucky in each other... luckier than you know. The grass will never ever be greener.

6.) Our relationship was fundamentally good. While you were busy trying not to love me, when you were with me, you were loving me anyway. There are no bad memories to grasp onto, and in each others presence, there was almost never anything short of joy, and a whole lot of unadulterated ecstacy. It was worth working on. I was worth working for. And you blew it.

7.) You are lovely. And kind. And you are a very very stupid boy for letting me walk away.

Oh ... and PS:

8.) You have had 3 or more major motor vehicle accidents, all of which could have killed you, and at least 2 that nearly did. Once is an accident. Three times no longer is... You really need to explore why you crash things. Because, if you don't? You will do it again. How do I know this? Because we repeat everything in our lives, until we learn its lessons.