Ale's letter to me is staying on my mind. It really is more of the exact same thing, and so frustrating.... "I made up my mind, but I feel so conflicted" - beyond my anger, I feel bad - because I know he really IS conflicted. Its osrt of like his decision to not believe in evolution; if something contrary to his decision arises, he gets confused. But damn it... he's decided.
In any case, response is kind of futile - though this one I may have translated and sent, because - I dont know. Maybe it would make me feel better.
Dear Ale -
I feel as if any response I make to you is futile - because for the entire last year, you have never seemed to hear me. It is as if I ask you for hamburger, and you give me a weather report, or I ask what your favorite book is, and you tell me what the fashion is in Zanzibar.
Please - if you can open your mind and your heart for just the length of this letter - try and understand me now.
Ale - if at any point you had ever truly offered me your friendship, if you had ever been my friend - this all would have come out so differently. But - your heart was hard. You had made up your mind. I have spent a year knocking at the door, because I see something in you that is so fantastic, and I wanted you to see it too.
"Innammorati" is a myth from books, and its lovely - but it is irrelevant, because it doesn't really last. We "fall in love" with ourselves when we fall in love with another. We see something in them, that we love within ourselves - As you said, I am not sure you are capable of "falling in love" - because I don't think you like yourself very much.
True love, true friendship is when we open our hearts to another human being. Its so very very simple. It is something that stands outside of romantic love - all you must do is open your heart, and love is there (and its why, as you say, I am able to love so many people).
Very early on in our affair, you made decisions. The decision you made was to shut me out. I didn't fit a predetermined check list, therefore you would not love me. After this, there was nothing to be done. You had made up your mind, and if any feelings arose for you that contradicted your original decision, you shut them down or disappered. You felt "confused". You simply got "harder" and more fixed. There was never any hope, because you had made your "decison" - and no other "choice" was ever possible.
(This is the same decision you make when you say things like "I don't care for children" - after this, no matter how kind my son was to you - no matter how sweet - your heart was hard because you had already decided to shut him out. He was a child. You don't like children. Therefore, you didn't like Spike. This is a tragedy for you, because he fully and openly offered you his friendship. Life is far too short to not be taking all the love the world has to offer us. Why don't you KNOW this? How can ANYONE NOT KNOW THIS??????)
Ale - I have observed you for a year now - and I see this same thing at work through out your life. You make a "decision" - after which, any contradictory evidence or feeling is denied. This is not "stability" - it is "inflexibility" and "rigidity". You face your life by "shutting down" - you "disappear" - you drink, and use drugs, your run away - your "decisons" rob you of all freedom, all choice, all love - they keep you trapped JUST WHERE YOU ARE NOW, FOREVER.
No magical day will come when you are an adult. Your doctarate didn't "solve" your life. Neither will getting married. Neither will having a child. This is not a rehearsal for the day your real life begins. This IS your real life, Peter Pan.
As someone who will always be your friend, as someone who will always love you - please, Ale - get counseling. Find your faith again. Explore and recover from a childhood that gave you no room to be a child.
If you do not, you will always be as you are - cold, afraid, disconnected, unable to have true intimacy with another human being, and stuck with fixed decisions that serve as a cage.
I have never not been your friend, but you have never been able to offer your freindship to me in return. I am sorry for it, for all the missed opportunity - for the fact that your spirit loved mine, and you thought it was 'just sex' (and that I had had thousands of lovers, or the sex wouldnt have been that good... sheesh!) I hope and pray that you find a way to live your life with an open heart, and open mind - and you find your way to love.
I didn't want to marry you. I didn't want to live with you. I only wanted to love you, and to be your friend. And, like all human beings - to be loved in return. I wanted a companion, because - as you say - we stayed so well together.
You tried your best, I suppose - but you couldnt, because your heart was closed. What a tragedy for you - because I'm older than you, smarter than you, and wiser than you - and had you invested in this - you would have gained so very much.
But instead of being here, where you were, in the present moment, you were busy studying the fashions in Zanzabar.
Good luck to you. Ti volgio bene.
Shaun
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