I feel like a small animal who is buried in its hole, panicked and tired. The process of my divorce was so traumatic that I have forgotten most of the pain.... This is fresh and raw and new, and it is so painful and confusing that I do not know what to do, how to be, or how to think.
I know under this all that I will be fine. I have a history of good relationships, and remarkable people who love me. What I liked about Ale is the whole "this feels like a really NORMAL relationship.... how interesting". Well, truth be told, I dont HAVE normal relationships. I have extraordinary relationships with really really wonderful people.
He's a wonderful person, but I dont do normal relationships, and now I know why. How could I deal with someone who is so hung up about commitment. I am an extremely commited person, and I am forever commited to every single person I have ever loved in my whole life. And this concept, one of a commited life, is something I couldnt talk through with Ale.... because he kept this odd belief that my love for him was some sort of trap to ensnare him into adult hood.
Thats not what I want! I want a friend and a lover and a companion, someone who I can trust and grow with. I dont want a boy who steps one step forward and two steps back. Love me, or don't. I am an incredible, loving, gorgeous human being... there isnt much about me not to love. Its fucking ridiculous!
I want a partner who is capable of loving, openly and freely. I want someone who can love me with an open hand, but knows we are there for each other. I DONT want to be with someone whose intention is to eventually dump me for another woman when he gets tired of me, and therefuore keeps his distance.
BEcause I am less than human. I am a termporary entertainment of someone he is fond of. No person should be any persons entertainment.
Ok, maybe thats not fair.... but I need to be with a partner who loves me - AND IS CERTAIN OF IT!
Why do I not want to end this relationship? Because I think that someday, he will realize he loves me? Somehow, to the men I have really really fallen IN love with in a serious permanant way - that only happens when I am gone. Really, for good, totally gone. When it is too late.
Maybe Ale, as beautiful and charming as I find him is actually just ordinary. Maybe that is why there is nothing extraordinary here - Maybe I fell in love with just a cute guy who really DOES have not much to offer?
Or.... if he does have something to offer, what he was offering me was not that great. Dinner is great, but curling up in front of the TV is better.
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