Finding Grace

First, the daily report; I had another dream last night. He keeps coming to me in my dreams, and I wish that would stop right now.

A little background here. A few years ago, when I was working with John Michael, I was hired to consult on building a dating site. So I now belong to every dating site in known humanity. I;ve met some pretty great folks through these sites, including Ale - but I never resigned from these sites because I like online chat, and - well, watching trends and technology is my job.

The day after Ale decided to send me a text message, and completley fucked me up - I get a mass email from one of the dating sites. And there, listed in "Men in your area" is Ale. Being a masochist, I clicked. He joined the site 2 weeks before we split (confirming absolutely what I thought was going on). His message said something like "Im sceptical, but I might be interested in falling in love".

Ouch.

Then day before yesterday, I get another email from them, with him at the top of the list as an appropriate partner for me.

Ouch Doppio.

So, in last nights dream, I get this letter from him, looking for love. Somehow, though I take no pains to hide my identity, he doesnt seem to know me. He's looking for a serious story.

I have intellectually let go of him, because he is simply not ready. If he follows the pattern of my life, I fully expect that some many years down the road, I will get a letter from him that says "I loved you, I just didnt know it then...." - because somehow, without fail, my long absence tends to make men nostolgic.

However, my emotions and subconcious aren't releasing this yet. My prefontal cortex seems to be at war with my limbic system. In English: We have some work to do.

Now, whatever happened with this boy was triggering my subconcious all along. Life was working with me, trying to help teach me things, get me through some stuff that I hadnt yet resolved.

I was having physical symptoms all along - this part is where I get confused; I loved him, but was not really happy - logically I should have left this time last year... and I am not sure why I stayed. But, he behaved in such a loving manner towards me, and so much of this was so good.... yet I felt pretty fearful most of the time. Yet, arguably - in many many ways this was a very good relationship. Sad thing is, had I kept my cool - maybe it would have worked out the way I hoped. I have no idea, but I do know that love and relationships should not make you feel fearful. I am usually pretty consistant in acting in my own best interests, so what was going on here?

My conclusion is that he was confirming some unconcious or subconcious core belief. Somewhere beneath the surface of logical thought, I must have imagined that if I could win his love I would somehow get "healed".

When he abandoned me, I spun out. Things I thought pretty well done with got triggered, PTSD, Panic disorder, generalized anxiety....

I hate "labeling" these things, and pathologizing my experience, but first I needed to cope with the physical symptoms of what was going on. Then, I needed to make a plan - becuase this is a learning experience I do not wish to repeat.

This all came together for me the day before yesterday, when I woke up - for the first time in at least 7 years, with a full blown panic attack. (For you who havent had them, it feels like a heart attack). Now, clearly, this had nothing to do with Ale, and everything to do with my amygdala (the part of your limbic system that stores emotional memories of fear).

So, I allowed myself to follow the emotion, and I started getting clear flashbacks - of being 2 or 3 years old, and of being put in an orphanage, and never knowing if I would ever see my mother or brothers again. Of trying to be perfect and compliant so that someone would take care of me. Of being afraid, but pretending to be fine all the time, never crying, never showing fear.... These memories came back clearly to me, including my pajamas, the bath I was given, the smell of Ivory soap.

It isnt that I have ever forgotten this stuff, not the physical part of it.... but I never really "related" to this. I never really gave myself any sympathy or empathy around this. Its one thing to be afraid of abandoment if you havent ever been abandoned, but I was - in a very real way.

The more violent and frightening experiences of my later life are very well healed. But the little stuff... having a mother who could be loving one moment, and then dangerous the next... being left alone as a baby for days without food... being dressed like a doll, and then being tossed aside to fend for myself, that stuff is still very present I think. I see how it manifests in my choice of relationships, in the pattern I have of insecure relationships and preoccupied attachment.

There are 4 primary types of attachment, generally established in the first years of life, and depending on your primary caregiver. If you had excellent parenting, you tend to form secure adult attachments. My care was crazy - and though I am not avoident, I am very preoccupied and anxious in my attachments. From the words I have heard from Ale, and from watching his family - he seems pretty dismissive of strong emotions and attachments.... thats a pretty bad combination, really.

What I want, more than anything, is a solid, loving, stable relationship with someone I adore, who adores me back. I want a secure, healthy attachment... but clearly, I must be prepared for having that. So, I think its time to do something about this non integrated part, and the attendant out of control behavior.

Over the last couple of days, I have created a plan of action.

First, I am taking medication for anxiety and depression. I dont currently - at this moment in time - have the tools I need to stop my nuerotransmitters from being over reactive and hyper stimulated.

I found a therapist here is Florence who specifically works with the type of work I need to do right now - specifically Eriksonian Hypnotherapy, NLP, ShadowWork and parts intergration. He has trained directly under Bandler and Dilts... and he speaks English.

Life teaches every lesson you need to know when you need to know it, and when you are ready, the right teachers appear.

Do I hope Ale sends me a letter, saying - "please, I miss you, can we try again please?". Sure. I love him. There was a lot of good there. But he is NOT the point. He cannot, ultimately make me happy nor unhappy - that power only rests in me. Whatever the outcome of this story, as sad as I am now... I know that ultimately everything is always for the best - if you let it be so.