Today I read something....

Today I read something that made me cry.

"You do not have to be perfect to be loved"

I really need to work on that.

I had a really bad night. The sex dreams are the worst. The sex is what is making it so hard for me to wrap my head around this all.... to think forward and about moving on, and finding someone else to love. Because I can't imagine it. Not the love, love is easy. Being touched again by someone else. The image is simply repulsive.

Ale is the first man, I think, who I ever made love with. I have fucked other people, joyfully - gratefully - gladly. I have used my body to enter ecstatic states, to touch god, to see infinity. But "making love" was new to me.

I miss the way he smells (he left one of his sweaters here, and I torture myself by breathing it in hen the longing gets too bad....). His being in the same room with me made my knees weak. The moment he would touch me, my body would respond. I never felt like pushing his hands away.... his body and spirit were always welcomed by mine... it was like finding my male shadow self.

And I dont know what to do with this. This is the core of the pain for me. And I'm not sure how anyone can seperate this from love, dismissing it as "only sex". (I've had "only sex" - its not the same.)

His spirit was remarkable, when he was in the throes of ecstacy, and all defenses were down and I could see him all gentle and shiney.

He was so unlike anyone I knew, and not necessarily in great ways. The people in my life are all nerds, big brains, outrageous talents, driven, spiritual, political, and brilliant. I don't know that Ale is particularly exceptional in any other way, except how much my nature loved his. Certainly, without that physical connection, this would have been a 3 date affair.

But now I feel stuck, because I want him so bad every fiber of my being is aching. I dont want another man. I dont really want to eat food. I am not interested in my vibrator, or in sex, or in much of anything at all.

I could dismiss this all by calling it addiction, and maybe the model is true... but in my belief system, when 2 people connect on a physcial / spiritual plane like this, it MEANS something. Its IMPORTANT.

He didnt love me, or didnt think he did. And for the life of me, I really can't understand why. There are very few reasons not to love me. But, then again, I tend to believe that love is an act of will... and he simply wasnt willing.

As much as all this hurts, and as scared as I am of moving on (dating. yuck), Im working my way through it. I wasn't asking for the moon, I am not ready for the moon. What I needed was so pedestrian, so reasonable, so unexceptional.... I wanted him to be my friend.

My friends show up for me. They hang out and watch TV. They pick me up from the airport. They help me hang shelves. They hold me when I cry and bring me chicken soup when I am sick. They care about my life, about my son, and they love me.... just as I am. Our lives touch.

It just doesnt seem to me to be an outrageous request to have these things from the person with whom you share your bed, you know?