We are made of dreams and bones....

Inch by inch, row by row
Gonna make this garden grow
All it takes is a rake and a hoe
And a piece of fertile ground.

Inch by inch, row by row
Someone bless these seeds I sow
Someone warm them from below
Till the rain comes tumblin' down

Pullin' weeds and pickin' stones
We are made of dreams and bones
Feel the need to grow my own
'Cause the time is close at hand

Rainful rain, sun and rain
Find my way in nature's chain
Tune my body and my brain
To the music from the land

This morning when I woke up, I was made up only of bones.... dreams are too scary right now. Optimism feels a little dangerous.

I have been getting a bit better, day by day. Thursday I even began to work on the future again. But, just when I feel a little better, a wave of sadness hits, and my stomach hurts.

Its not about Ale (who really is kind of an asshole) - but about the dream he represented. (Though I must say, he treated me so well, and was so loving at times that the next man in my life is going to have a pretty high standard....). What Ale represented was a dream, a fantasy - about some future where I would not be so alone.

A couple of my friends have asked me "Why do you NEED a man".... and I deny "needing" anyone. Because honestly, I do need someone. I have been alone my whole life long - I have been the structural support for so many other people, the parent, the friend, the smart one. I have been someone others see as "strong"...

But guess what? Im TIRED. I want to be someones baby, someones best friend. I want someone to hold me and love me when I am bad, and weak, and imperfect - when I am tired and defeated. I want someone to spend late nights talking with, to challenge my ideas and beliefs and help me grow too. Mostly though, I don't want to have to be strong and independant and always responsible.

One person alone, especially with a child - has got to be a super hero. I dont want to be a super hero every day. I want to be able to fall apart, and know that someone is there to catch me when I fall sometimes.

I want someone to cook for and watch out for - someone who is always happy to see me. I want a travelling companion.

And yes, of course, I have my son. But he is only in my keeping for now - my job is to make him into the kind of man who can be a loving father and husband... so, its not the same.

But, of course, I dont want these things at "any cost" - because there are men who DO want to be these things to me.... but not one of them is "mine" - and I know it.

I'd rather be alone than get it wrong again.