My internal voices are very loud these days. My emotions are very raw, and very near to the surface - and many of these emotions feel like strangers to me.
Last night, after my therpy session - I sat for a while, and I just turned inside to simply feel what I was feeling.... and I had this sensation of someone inside of me, wailing and crying in utter lonliness and despair. It felt so primal, and so beyone comforting....
The physical sensation is like someone pressing, hard, on my solar plexus - my throat hurt...
The visual sensation was one of absolute aloneness.... as if something inside me were floating in a void, and it was simply black. The feeling was beyond fear, beyond anxiety - it was a feeling of utter and hopless despair and lonliness.
I am practicing, and getting better at, simply FEELING these feelings, without feeding them with my thoughts - but its hard. I want to DO something about it, take some action, change it, deny it, shove it back down. I want to NOT pay attention to these broken bits...
After Spike and the puppy fell asleep last night, I was able to cry a little. It didn't really bring me any relief... my deep fear is that I will always be alone, with relationships that are close, but that will never allow me to "relax" into the arms of someone else, never fill up that feeling of companionship, partnership, or having a shared journey.
This may very well be the path I must be on, maybe this is my karma in this lifetime - but I can tell you, I am not happy about it.
My therapist is kind of weird. I like him, but - he is strange. He says I am presumptuous.... by which I assume he means arrogant. I said that I write well - he said that was arrogant. He gave me shit about my problems learning Italian, and thinks that this is arrogant as well (no - its not arrogant, its embarrassing).
I do write well - though I have no desire, at this point, to do it professionally (I write because its how I can express myself). I know my area's of competancy - and I know my area's of hopelessness.
I don't know if this man is a "fit" for the work I need to do now or not, and unfortunately, you never know if its a waste of time or not until you are really deeply invested.
I also think I shock him a little... because of some of my attitudes about sex and gender etc. (I am not the only person who is presumptuous in this interchange of ideas.... )
As to my broken heart... its still broken. I loved that boy - and I hate walking away so angry and bitter. He played with my heart, and worse than that - I let him. My eyes were open the whole time, yet I kept looking away. I wanted him to be someone he was not. I feel stupid for it... on the other hand, I think maybe I wanted to experience falling in love, but with no threat of a life long commitment.
I desperately want to find the good in that relationship, but right now, i think its good for me to be angry - and to hold him responsible for his behavior at the end. He was a coward, and that is, in my opinion, one of the worst things a human can be.
Last night, I had a long conversation with my brother, Charlie. He really doesnt quite understand why I am doing the work I am doing in regards to my internal processes, and trying to recover from our childhood. He wandered around lost, and then found Jesus as his personal lord and savior. In a very biblical sense...
I don't know that I can explain to him that my relationship with God is very different - and that I am doing Gods work as well.... I know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and I know that there is a purpose in it.
I just wish I knew what it was. God sometimes doesn't tell me why I am doing what I am doing, but when I am on the right path, I have an internal sense of rightness with it. Which is, I think why I do not feel this incredible sadness and despair I am in right now to be "depression" - I think there is meaning in the journey I am in right now.
It would certainly be easier, however, if I was clear on just what the meaning is!
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