why ifs ands buts should haves etc

Of course I cant send you a letter, but I can pretend.

Oh my god. I did not think I would take this so hard. I really didnt think my heart would break. I wasnt sure I loved you, I think, until I woke us at 6 this morning, and burst into tears.

I thought that I had held something back. I said that I was 'all in' - but I thought I had held something back. Silly me. I never do anything half way.

You asked why I loved you. (I think you were trying to figure out how come you didnt love me back). Ale, it was - mostly - the sex. Don't get me wrong.... the rest of you is pretty great.... but, here is something I never told you:

Yeah... I am good at sex. Because I am never there while its happening. The ME that is actually "ME" is usually sitting outside, watching. When I first meet someone, and make love with them, I can be present - a few time. Until there is emotion involved, or a chance of losing myself. And then, I simply disassociate from my body. Thats why I like strong sensations, spankings, etc. Not because I like being tortured, but because these things help me stay in my body.

But with you? I stayed in my body. Always, My "mind" never ran away. I never ever experienced it from the outside. When I tried to run away, you made me stay "Shaun, kiss me". I fucking never kiss anyone, because when I kiss someone, they have power to hurt me.

I dont want to go back to being outside of my body, watching. I dont want to go back to making love to people I dont really want.

The bitch of all of this is - I cannot, for the life of me, understand why you didnt love me, nor did you understand just how important THAT single connection was, how rare it was, and how lucky and blessed we both were.

You were beginning to love me, and I went away and somehow, in the time I was gone, I went from the possible long term relationship box into the short term only sex partner box, and I never ever understood why it happened, or what changed. I worked, so hard, to change it back.... but no matter what I did, I couldnt change it back.

And because I was getting something that I had never experienced before, I just couldnt leave without trying to win you, you know? The sad thing is, because of the way people are.... trying to win you was my defeat.

I hurt so bad right now, I have no clue how I am going to make it through today. Or the next day. Or the next. Of course, I know I will.... and I'll be fine, and I will find someone to love who loves me back. But, you, my love, are irreplacable.