And he responded, with essentially the same sentiment. Along with an 'Im sorry - I dont want to lose you, and I dont want to grow up.'
I suggested that we are important to each other, and I would prefer to find a way that both of us could be happy and comfortable, rather than just walking away; and that if we did decide we just can't make it work, I would prefer it be a mutual decision. He agreed, but does not know if it is possible unless we want the same things. He has no answers yet.
So - here are the facts as I understand them:
1.) We both care about each other very much, and we don't want to break up.
2.) We both want to be happy, and we both want the other person to be happy.
3.) I love him, and I want to be a part of a couple.
4.) He cares about me, but is not ready for a deeply commited relationship, or does not want a deeply commited relationship with me.
5.) He believes that if you love someone, you want to be with them all the time.
6.) He loves me when he is with me, but does not want to be with me all the time.
This looks pretty impossible to fix, unless one of us is willing to change. If being a couple is permanantly off the table - and this is a clear intention of mine... then we are at an impasse. Because, as long as this "elephant" is sitting inbetween us, the joy we have in this relationship is constantly being challenged by our mutually unmet needs - my need for being together, and his need for the feeling of freedom.
As it currently sits, it is a recipie for hurt and misery. Not good. The question is, how can we BOTH get what we need and want, and is it impossible, considering where we both are in our lives?
If I were to state and intention - a clear intention for all of my relationships - it would be:
It is my intention to create all my relationships to be a place of sanctuary - a home where all can feel safe and loved and wanted for the precious beings they are, wherever they are in thier life - where they are welcome, and appreciated, and cherished. I want my relationships to be a safe place that provides for growth, and warmth - where love and happiness and support can flourish
Now - I am actually GOOD at relationships. In my romantic relationships, even though we moved on - that love I wrote of above has always stayed, even as the relationships grew, evolved, and changed. With very few exceptions.
If my relationship with Ale had proceeded without complications, I think that whether we were still together or not - the love we bear each other would still be present. Somehow, I failed this relationship by allowing my emotions to overwhelm me, and by losing site of who I am in my BEST self.
I was not brave, and not always honest, and I tried to cajole, and manipulate, and to sulk like a child, and to obsess, and feel anxious. (And you wonder why he imagines you might be a little unstable?) I got scared, he got scared - and we have both been involved in a power struggle, because I was holding on too tight, and he has been squirmig away - not wanting to leave, but hating the feeling of being held too tight.
I am not clear exactly how to change this dynamic.... it feels a little stuck right now, because my needs are NOT being met, and I hate the idea that there are only 2 options - which are to bitch or to walk away.
My needs in a relationship are:
1.) To know that I am welcome, wanted, appreciated and cherished, and to hear those things expressed to me.
2.) To feel safe to be myself, at my best and at my worst.
3.) To know that the people in my life are loyal and steadfast, and to know that they are on my side and in my corner.
4.) To know that I am respected.
5.) To be with people who are smart and fun at core, VERY good people.
6.) To know that the people in my life are commited to me, and to my well being. This is not necessarily the same as a lets get married commitment, but this was something I could never explain to Ale.
OK - now, frighteningly enough, if I look at that list.... Ale really DID fulfill most of those requirements. Furthermore, I have a funny feeling that if I showed Ale this list, he would say "But, Shaun, I've done all these things....."
So - what is in the way here? (Quiz question for my best friends: and what other relationships did I completely fuck up for the same reason....)
My PATHOLOGICAL fear of abandonment. I have been SO afraid that he would leave me, that I have created my own reality. Oh shit.
The first time Ale expressed fears, doubts, and reservations - I just FLIPPED out - and then it became all about him not leaving. Not about creating a great relationship, not about building a great freindship that would have a permanant future whether as lovers, or just as friends... but all about making sure he wouldnt leave me.
And this, of course, just reinforced his feeling of being trapped in something he isnt ready for - and made him far more doubtful of me. This fear has wreaked havoc on my sense of peace, on my self esteem, has caused me to have very poor judgement, and has caused me to be over-sensitive and over-reactive and just not myself.
OK - my genius friends.... I think that this is the last big thing I really need to heal, but in the meantime - is there any way to repair what damage I have caused?
And whether I can or cannot, how can I rid myself of this last big stumbling block?
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