Have you ever had that feeling....

Have you ever had that feeling that you have just taken a large hunting knife, pressed it into your chest, and plunged it into your own heart?

Yeah. Me too.

I broke it off last night. Fuck, I hurt. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I'm so tired I can't even see straight. I want to throw up, but I don't have anything in my stomach.

I know I did the right thing. I know I should have done this a year ago, before I got attached. I tried to do it about 20 different times. I knew all along that if this was "right", I wouldn't be miserable and depressed and anxious -

The thing was that when he was WITH me, he was with me. When in my presence, he loved me most of the time. But he didnt really want to love me, so he would leave, and I was left floating, and it hurt. But for a while, the times with him made up for the pain of the times without him, and I just hoped.

Smart girls know how to play the game. Smart girls know that if you meet someone you really like, you pretend you don't. You make them chase you, or they won't love you. But, I'm not really a smart girl, and my heart is on my sleeve - in a great position to be hurt, most of the time.

I can say "next time" I wont do that, "next time" I wont be like that. Next time, I'll play it by the rule book....

But right now, the entire idea of a next time is repulsive and scary and unimaginable to me. I try and imagine the next time: the next time someone kisses me - and Im going to want it to be him, and it wont be. the next time someone tries to touch my body - and I wont be able to stand it, and I will do what I have always done before him, which is just to disassociate from my body - and simply not be there.

I don't want there to be a next time.

I know this will pass, and I know I will be OK in a few days, and better in a few weeks, and in 3 or 6 months, I will be ready to move on. I know this intellectually, because that is how this happens. But right now, I just hurt. I'm laying on the floor here, and I am bleeding.

And the fact I always knew that this is what was going to happen is not making it any easier, its just making me feel stupid and embarrassed.

I really hate feeling stupid and embarrassed.