Im embarrassed!

Last night, with Steve's help - I wrote a letter to Ale, basically saying "hey - are you REALLY sure...."

I am such a moron! OK, actually, its kind of funny - (my sense of humour returned today....) - but, man - he is not going to understand anything I meant...

I'd send a text message saying "please dont read that!!!! PLEASE!" - but, then he's going to think I'm a pyscho. Ok, more of a Psycho.

It seemed like such a good idea at the time.... But, in last nights dream, I recieved my answer "Lady, its too late...." so now, its just redundant.

Now, when I recieved that answer in my dream, a little piece of me panicked. So, I went into a trance state, and followed the emotion. And found the baby in the orphanage. I picked her up, and held her in my arms, and I asked her what her positive intention was behind inspiring me to send that letter.

What happened next broke my heart.... this child collapsed against me, and began to cry - inconsolably. Not in rage, not in terror, just in complete and utter sadness, confusion, and surrender. I do not know I have held a being before who was so inconsolate. It was such a raw emotional state - pre intellect, pre verbal - just a baby confused as to why no one loves her and no one wants her, trying to be perfect in order to survive.

I tried to tell her of the future, of the great big life she was destined to lead, how there would be men, and love, and children, and family - and the worst, scariest parts would be over soon - that God loved her, and she was more special than she could know...

But then, I had to put her down and leave.

This "part" needs to be reintegrated, but - I'm afraid to. I am afraid for now that an attempt on the reintegration of this part is going to seem to be and feel like a new abandonment - and acknowledgement that "she" is unloved, unwanted, unvaluable - and destined to always be rejected, abadnoned, and thrown away.

This afternoon I am going to see a gestalt / NLP guy who has actually worked with this shadow work and parts integration stuff.

I am proud of myself - so proud - of the exquisite care and attention I am giving myself right now. But - man - I wish we hadnt sent that letter, I hate feeling dumb!