i feel like shit

I feel like shit. Honestly. I feel crazy and out of control and sad, and all I want to do is hear from ale and pretend nothing bad happened and make all this hurt go away.

I am not helping myself here. Because if I dont leave him alone, he has got no chance of thinking, and I am coming off like a crazy out of control desperate fruitcake which is so attractive, how could he resist me.

Basta.

I dropped him a note, he may or may not read it... and I tried to call, but he was not there (or has caller ID) - and he is probably out of town in any case. I also sent him an IM, but again, I dont know if he has me blocked or not. He needs space, and so do I, if I am thinking clearly.

The thing is, right now I am so uncomfortable with these feelings, so afraid of abandonment, that I am simply acting in a panic. It isnt useful.

I AM THE ONE WHO CALLED IT OFF, AND I DID IT FOR A GOOD REASON. I NEED A GROWN UP IN MY LIFE, AND HE DOESNT WANT TO BE A GROWN UP. IF I AM, ULTIMATELY, IMPORTANT TO HIM, ITS NOT OVER. IF, ULTIMATELY, I AM NOT SO IMPORTANT, THEN I AM BETTER OFF MOVING ON AND FINDING SOMEONE WHO CAN LOVE ME.

I just didnt count on the despair. I didnt count on how hard this would be, how much I would miss knowing he is in my world, how the thought of never having him in my bed again would strike such a deep deep deep place of terror in my soul.

Right now, too I feel like I cant trust my greatest counselor, because she told me that I can choose to be ok any time I like.... and that I am just "feeling sorry for myself". Well, yes, I am. Its a terrible thing to be heartbroken, it hurts just as much as if I had broken an arm, and right now I am pretty damn much hating myself - so feeling a little sorry for myself, having some compassion for myself seems like an appropriate emotional response.

I KNOW this will get better. As Federico pointed out to me, there has not been one man in my life who isnt a really great person, and that I have been fortunate beyond imagining. The rightness or not rightness of the person for a partnership, not with standing, I have no reason to believe that the next man I love wont be just as wonderful as every other person I have been priviliged to know.

My biggest scariest fear though is about the sex. Ale never really believed me when I told him that I have never ever experienced anyone like him..... and now? I am afraid I never will. The sex alone made it almost worth it to stay.... and is the one big reason I am so incredibly freaked out right now.