Im scared

Im not really hateful. I wish I were. Its like a mask I'm trying on for size. Thinking hateful thoughts helps for a few minutes here and there.

What I am is scared. This person made me something I have never really been. He made me gentle. He made me sweet. I am a kind person, but I have never been allowed myself to be sweet. I can be gentle, sometimes - but never in any situation where I could be hurt. But somehow, without meaning to - he influenced me, by his own gentleness and sweetness, and by the fact that this is what I saw reflected in his eyes.

He took away from me all of the tools I have developed over time with which to defend myself. Suddenly, I am not longer a jungle cat, but I am a kitten without claws.

And worse. He made me kiss him. I don't kiss people. I don't. I don't like it, its too close. And though the me with the voice never trusted him, the me behind the voice did.... or at least the "me" behind my voice trusted the "me" behind his voice.

I thought he would win out, but all the voices in his head talked him out of it.

And now, what I am afraid of: Lisandro made love with me last night (he laughed at me, because he had never ever heard me use that phrase in his life.....) - and I felt nothing. He used my whip. I couldnt feel it. He tried the paddle. I couldnt feel it. He tried hot wax. I couldnt feel it.

What if I can never feel again?