On anger

In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death.
Anne Frank

I read Anne Franks diary when I was the age of the author - and thugh I did not exist inside a prison camp, my life was pretty terrifyling. I clung to that sentence - that people are baciscally good, all of my life. In many ways it saved me.

My own natural disposition (I think) - and my earliest training has handicapped me in a way. Anger at my mother was dangerous (to express anger was to suffer a beating) - and later, anger with Nick would only incur abuse.

So - I learned to be reasonable. Patient. Soft spoken. My anger, when expressed, tends to be only of the political variety.... or in frustration, or in tears - and the more someone really hurts me, the less able I am to respond with real rightious anger. I assume that they are basically good at heart, and have the best intentions, and are not trying to be hurtful... and this is in the face of some seiously outrageous mishebaviors.

So - I turn the anger in. I become sad, and depressed, and if I get hurt - I tend to blame it on myself. If I hadnt created it, chose it, it wouldnt have happened.

However - sometimes, people are really shitty. They do bad hurtful things to each other, they hurt each other on purpose, and sometimes, the intentions really dont matter. Sometimes people suck.

Last night, the fact that Ale had been advertising on a dating site finally occured to me. Since he has 2 accounts, and had blocked me from the one..... (as I figured out...) it could be that he was being a lying jackal the whole time I've known him.

My first response to this knowledge was to be hurt, but benevolent. To say - ok, fine - he saw the end coming, and he didnt mean for me to know. I didnt get hooked, or so I thought.

But then... last night.... it suddenly occured to me... he was stupid and cruel and unthinking. He was in a relationship, and was not looking for friends... he was ACTIVELY looking to start fucking some one else. His profile contained things that are a lie (ie - I am molto romantico...). THREE weeks ago he claimed "I am not a romantic... I hate all that ooh ooh ooh stuff"

And I thought - being calm and serene and giving him the benefit of the doubt... no matter how "enlightened" my approach, was an inappropriate response. He fucking jerked me around. He was using me, witholding, and lying.

The PROPER emotional response to this is ANGER. I shouldnt be "hurt, sad, and depressed" - I should be rightously pissed off. THAT is the HEALTHY response to have when someone treats you disrespectfully, badly, and breaks thier word to you.

My sweetness and gentleness - while a good quality is not enough.

If someone did what he did to someone I love, I would punch that person in the nose! I would tell my friend "he is a fuckhead, lose that bastard." And I would cast a spell to give him syph too.

So, I wrote my anger. And I sent it. Fuck getting my keys back. Fuck a sweet gentle reconcilliation talk.

Ale is a rat bastard, and I hope that the law of karma hits him in the hardest and most nasty way. With any luck, in his next life, he can come back as an islamic female and get sold into the sex trade.

Fuck him, and fuck his entire act. So there.