Intentions

*subtitled: (What I did wrong)

I just talked with Elaine, and I am feeling quite a bit better...... still shaky, but better.

This needs to be edited tomorrow, and I dont know that I can write it all right now. Im so tired, and raw....

I got so attached to the outcome of this relationship, in making it turn out a certain way, that I ended up giving all my power away.... because I didnt speak up. Now, this is a theme. When I get too attached to an outcome, a person, a relationship I often go along to get along, and then I get afraid, and I beome like a child.

Now, the thing is, I have many really really good relationships. Nick is my only real unresolved relationship.... each of my other relationships are strong and healthy, and I am still friends with all of my ex-lovers and ex-boyfriends.

Now, one thing I havent been looking at, clearly, are my own intentions around relationships. When my intentions are clear, my outcomes are good. When my intention is confused and attached and do-anything-to-preserve-it (grasping), everything goes wrong.

My attachment to making this relationship work the way I wanted it to has been nothing but slow water torture.

What are my ideal relationships? What are important qualities in the people I love?

More.......