why i ended it

For the last few days, I have been so wrapped up in tha pain of all of this, that I cannot think straight. I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, I cannot work - I want to take it all back, I want to do it over. If I make it my own fault, then maybe I can change everything... the part, the present, and the future.

Yesterday, I said that the first time he pulled back, I panicked... and that was true. But there is more to that story.... because he didnt pull back just that once... he stayed, the whole time, just out of reach.

To review, for the last year, I have been falling in love with someone, sleeping with someone, playing with someone. And, over the last year, I have nearly always felt lonely, waiting, or on hold.

We have only gone on one date during the day, except for New York. We have never spent the weekend together. We have never just hung out in our pajamas. He never met me at the airport. He has never called me long distance just to talk to me.

If this were a good relationship, he would have listened to me while I was feeling insecure, and would have done something about it. He was a good lover, but not a good boyfriend, and he doesnt want to be my boyfriend now, and nothing I say can change it.