another pretend letter....

I miss you so much. I don't know what happened here, or why this didnt work.

We absolutely adored each other. When we didnt see each other for a while, our faces would simply light up.... when we touched it felt so right, so easy, so comfortable. It was fun, we were gentle with each other - we treated each other so well... we were almost always happy to see each other.

So WHY did you decide to put me in the "temporary" category? What happened between "This is going to be a serious story" and "I don't think this will be a serious story?" It ended up being pretty serious anyway.... But, somewhere, early on, you changed your mind, and the reasons were - well - dumb. And I couldnt ever really get you to give me a clear reason, and your actions and face belied your words.

Why did you want out? You were pretty damn happy - and it wasnt that you wanted out "now", because you didn't. You wanted me to stay with you, because I made you happy, but you didn't want to be my friend. And I just can't make much sense out of this.

You always said we didnt love each other "the same" - well, thats because of the dynamic created when you put me in the temporary category.

I am, regardless of your fears, plenty emotionally healthy - but honestly, we all have baggage we bring to our human relationships.

My "baggage" is my response to emotionally inconsistancy - you want me to be instabile? Do this: Be very very loving, happy to see me, and clearly adore me. Then, do this: Withdraw, pull back, and say confusing things like "I dont know how I feel, but you are the most important thing in my life".

Guess what happens then? I get clingy, I get needy, and I get scared. Then I push, because I don't like feeling that way. It felt like home. I can deal with indifference, I can deal with hate, I can deal with most everything life puts in front of me. Inconsistancy in the people I love turns me into someone I am not.

And, Ale, no - I honestly didnt think much about the future with you - as much as I loved you. That you may have grown into a life partner was a hope, because so very much of our relationship was so very very good.

Oh boy - I miss you so much. Had I known how much I would miss you and how painful this would all be, I would have put up with your crazy making mixed signals for a whole lot longer.

I'm not sure what more you were looking for, and I wish I could have given it to you - I really do.

I hate the fact that we cant talk through this - I guess this is supposed to be normal, but its new to me. I have never ever given up a relationship - I work through them, til everyone is OK.

I think the worst thing of all is that we were never friends, you never trusted me to be a friend with me. And I never understood that. I guess it was your way of keeping me at arms length....

My friends take care of me, and I of them. We pick each other up at the airport, we help each other do dishes, we rent movies and watch them. And that was what I wanted from you - and it was what you wouldnt give me. You gave me love, you gave me sex, you treated me like a princess.... but you never ever gave me your friendship, and that makes me saddest of all.