Is this really helping?

I dont know if writing like this is really helping, or reinforcing my current pain levels.... I am like a junkie going cold turkey here - the physical symptoms I am dealing with just suck!

So, just like if I needed to quit smack - I need to review, yet again, why I did what I did and ended this relationship:

1.) I was tired of feeling edgy and nervous all the time.
2.) He wanted to stay in a sexual relationship with me, but did not wish to have an emotional relationship with me.
3.) He didn't love me.
4.) He wasn't my friend.
5.) He was sleeping with me, while planning on replacing me with someone else.
6.) He would not stay over on a sunday and make pancakes with me and kick it in the park after brunch.
7.) He did not pick me up from the airport when I came back from long trips.
8.) He did not want to be in a relationship with me.
9.) He did not want to be in a relationship with me.
10.) He did not want to be in a relationsip with me.
11.) HE DID NOT LIKE KIDS. YOU KNOW, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH PEOPLE WHO DONT LIKE KIDS! ITS LIKE MY BEST FREIND WAS A BLACK PERSON, AND HE HAS SAID HE DIDNT LIKE BLACK PEOPLE. NO DIFFERENT.

All I have done here is moved up the time of suffering from the time it would have happened inevitably... he was ambivalent for this whole year. I may have saved myself another year of weirdness. And I still would have ended up on my couch, crying and watching CSI.

His ambivalence was making me fearful and unstable and insecure. This insecurity was triggering a fear of abandonment. This fear of abandoment was making me act clingy. My clinginess and neediness was making him more ambivalent. His ambivalence was making me feel at constant risk of abandonment.

Now, what EXACTLY is good about this? I BROKE it off, because this relationship was broken, and there was nothing - absolutley nothing else I could do to stop what was happening and where it was going.

YES, I handled it badly, and as a result, I prevented myself from getting the support I needed from him to end this in a good, healthy way. However, ending this mess was the ONLY WAY OUT. It was NOT getting better, it was getting worse.

He is not going to call. If he does call, it will be because he is ready to call. Pushing him to do anything has backfired in all cases. He is clear that he does not want to be in relationship with me, and that is that. I am clear that I only want to be in relationship with him IF it can be redone in such a way that it is a healthy, happy, supportive relationship in which all parties can get their needs met. There is no fucking reason on Gods green earth to think we are going to have this, because if he actually wanted it, we would have had it.

My behavior will not get me what I want. Writing emails and sending text messages will not change it. I just want my fix, because I am simply a drug addict, addicted to this boy, and having withdrawl symptoms that I did not anticipate.

Now, being that, after promising we could talk, he has cut me off, not contacted me, and is screening my calls - it is clear that he is not interested in a happy healthy or any other kind of relationship with me. Furthermore, its a little bit unkind, to know that someone you care about is in pain, and you don't try and help her though it. So, maybe I need to go back to the drawing board, and create the sort of relationship I intended - with someone else.

So, time to pack my bags and move along, little doggy. Its over. Its done. Its finished, and there is not a goddamn thing all your pain and suffering and tears will do to change it. Suck it up, brush off your pants, put on your dancing shoes, and move ON!

Just for today - I will not call him. Just for today, I will live my life without him in it. And I will do it again tomorrow, and tomorrow. Until he is nothing but a happy memory of a man I used to love.

Just for today - I will ask god for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Just for today, I will clean up my house, I will go take a shower. I will put on my happy clothes, and my dancing shoes, and I will go live my life. I will go have a drink, I will make eyes at pretty boys, and I will start to remember who I was before I fell in love with someone who was too stupid to love me back.