Stage 2

I spent yesterday (and most of the weekend) in a state of mourning. I cried a lot, and tried to stay busy. I can't seem to get any work done, because I can't concentrate... so I am doing the best I can.

I feel horrible, and very very sad.

I spent the last couple of days rehearsing a good bye speech, but no matter how elaborate or simple, it all seemed damn stupid. I mean, what is the point? You are supposed to do this out of respet for the other person, out of respect for the relationship etc.... but how much respect is due when what you have been told in essense is:

"I like you, but I don't love you. But I really like having sex with you, so lets keep doing that until I find someone better"

So: Stage 2. Self-loathing. I knew he was in this only for the sex. So, I kept throwing it out there. He NEVER lied to me. He was ALWAYS clear about where he was at. So what the fuck did I hope to accomplish by staying in this, falling in love with someone whose intentions were always temporary - and who was CLEAR about it?

I am so embarrassed, and so ashamed of myself right now. I mean, for fucks sake - "I'll be your bitch, just don't leave me"?

I want to defend myself here. I have a whole lot of "yeah... but... I hoped" and 'But.... it was .... ' but, essentially, none of them are bigger than the voice telling me that I am one stupid bitch.

I can't blame him for this. Yeah, he was confused a bit too. Sometimes he sent out mixed signals, he liked me, cared for me, was always always good to me. But except for one conversation, early early on - he never misled me into thinking he wanted to keep me. Maybe he should have dumped me, but he didn't want to.

The fact of the matter is, I knew - from the first time he said he was uncomfortable that I had a Monkey Boy - that this was dead. And I stayed, and I KNEW I should not. I have been anxious about him, and this relationship since last August. From the FIRST MONTH of this relationship, I have been anxious, and miserable - BECAUSE I KNEW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN, AND I KNEW IT WOULD END, AND I DECIDED TO LOVE HIM ANYWAY. GODDAMN IT - WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN DOING?????????????????????????????????????

I am a complete and total imbecile. Thats all there is to it.

So, as to the goodbye speech - I'm going to skip it for now. He is not that stupid, he knows that this is all wrong, and that it is hurting me. A conversation right now, while I am feeling so vulnerable will only end with me staying in this, or leaving it in tears. I think I have already sacrificed enough of my dignity - and I do not feel like spilling any more tears in front of him. I would just end up trying to take care of him.... but, you know? He can take care of himself.