sharpnpieces shattered

I wish he had just left me alone. I wish he hadn't written. There is nothing he has to say to me that he hadn't decided a year ago - and there is no way i could make him see that no matter how much talking I could do.

It has nothing to do with speaking the same language or not, what he said in the letter I had already heard in English. He never changed his point of view. He began to love me, he decided against it - and the rest was - oh heck, I don't know what it was.

All I know is that it bought up the same sorrow and frustration that I had been suffering with for a year....

The strange thing about this letter is that he wrote it when I had clearly packed my bags and was walking away. He seems compelled to keep me in it, just in case he changes his mind. He hopes he hasn't lost me :forever:... :he wants to be my friend - but not right now" "He dislikes children, but might want one someday" "He wants to be in love, but may not know what love means"

It would be easier if I really believed he was a bad person - but he isn't. He isn't trying to play me... he never was.

But all the same, he DID play with my heart. He was never my friend, he didn't know what this means.

My son was unfailingly polite and kind to him - so the "I'm not crazy about children" is nothing short of bigotry. Its insulting. My son is a human being, and deserving of hte same respect as all others.

I think women are also in the same category....

In fact, much of him seems to be based on bigotry and prejudgement.

I wish I could talk to him, but if he didn't hear me for a whole year, he will never hear me now. It would all be in vain. It would only hurt me. More.


This hurts, and I hate it.

I hope he gets therapy.

I miss him.

I went out last night on a date... with someone sweet, and rich, and kind, and innocent, and educated, and tall.... and British. Who called me Tuesday for a Friday night date. Who loves kids, and knows how hard being a single parent is.

NOTHING. I felt NOTHING. Because someone unworthy has taken up a place in my head, and right now, he is all my heart wants. He's nothing special. He's a child - a bigoted child raised by people who weren't particularly pleased by his arrival on planet earth. (golly gee... think this might be why they didnt manage to raise an adult?)

Sean admits to having 'baggage' - Ale doesnt wouldnt even understand what that meant.... but he smells right, and my poor soul is screaming out for him.

What is WRONG with me?????

swimming in the dating pool

Last night I had my first first date in more than a year. It was nice, he was nice - and it is unfortunate that someone else still has residence inside my head.

Speaking of, he wrote me yesterday - right after I cast a "goodbye" spell. Nothing new, nothing interesting - just more of the same. All the letter did was make me angry... so I will ignore it for now. I'll wait until my higher self shows up to respond, if I chosse to respond at all. He needs therapy.

Last night I dreamed of travelling on a boat, down a coastline... I passed italy, and spain, and the boat went somewhere into France, and then, the boat went into a town that was made up of canals - the boat went onto a hotel dock, and we went to a swimming pool. I wanted to go in the water, but I didnt have a swimsuit.... so I hung my feet over the edge, and the water was warm and lovely....

The other thing about this dream is how fast the boat was - it went at a speed that was a little terrifying.

We are made of dreams and bones....

Inch by inch, row by row
Gonna make this garden grow
All it takes is a rake and a hoe
And a piece of fertile ground.

Inch by inch, row by row
Someone bless these seeds I sow
Someone warm them from below
Till the rain comes tumblin' down

Pullin' weeds and pickin' stones
We are made of dreams and bones
Feel the need to grow my own
'Cause the time is close at hand

Rainful rain, sun and rain
Find my way in nature's chain
Tune my body and my brain
To the music from the land

This morning when I woke up, I was made up only of bones.... dreams are too scary right now. Optimism feels a little dangerous.

I have been getting a bit better, day by day. Thursday I even began to work on the future again. But, just when I feel a little better, a wave of sadness hits, and my stomach hurts.

Its not about Ale (who really is kind of an asshole) - but about the dream he represented. (Though I must say, he treated me so well, and was so loving at times that the next man in my life is going to have a pretty high standard....). What Ale represented was a dream, a fantasy - about some future where I would not be so alone.

A couple of my friends have asked me "Why do you NEED a man".... and I deny "needing" anyone. Because honestly, I do need someone. I have been alone my whole life long - I have been the structural support for so many other people, the parent, the friend, the smart one. I have been someone others see as "strong"...

But guess what? Im TIRED. I want to be someones baby, someones best friend. I want someone to hold me and love me when I am bad, and weak, and imperfect - when I am tired and defeated. I want someone to spend late nights talking with, to challenge my ideas and beliefs and help me grow too. Mostly though, I don't want to have to be strong and independant and always responsible.

One person alone, especially with a child - has got to be a super hero. I dont want to be a super hero every day. I want to be able to fall apart, and know that someone is there to catch me when I fall sometimes.

I want someone to cook for and watch out for - someone who is always happy to see me. I want a travelling companion.

And yes, of course, I have my son. But he is only in my keeping for now - my job is to make him into the kind of man who can be a loving father and husband... so, its not the same.

But, of course, I dont want these things at "any cost" - because there are men who DO want to be these things to me.... but not one of them is "mine" - and I know it.

I'd rather be alone than get it wrong again.

Today I feel sad

My internal voices are very loud these days. My emotions are very raw, and very near to the surface - and many of these emotions feel like strangers to me.

Last night, after my therpy session - I sat for a while, and I just turned inside to simply feel what I was feeling.... and I had this sensation of someone inside of me, wailing and crying in utter lonliness and despair. It felt so primal, and so beyone comforting....

The physical sensation is like someone pressing, hard, on my solar plexus - my throat hurt...

The visual sensation was one of absolute aloneness.... as if something inside me were floating in a void, and it was simply black. The feeling was beyond fear, beyond anxiety - it was a feeling of utter and hopless despair and lonliness.

I am practicing, and getting better at, simply FEELING these feelings, without feeding them with my thoughts - but its hard. I want to DO something about it, take some action, change it, deny it, shove it back down. I want to NOT pay attention to these broken bits...

After Spike and the puppy fell asleep last night, I was able to cry a little. It didn't really bring me any relief... my deep fear is that I will always be alone, with relationships that are close, but that will never allow me to "relax" into the arms of someone else, never fill up that feeling of companionship, partnership, or having a shared journey.

This may very well be the path I must be on, maybe this is my karma in this lifetime - but I can tell you, I am not happy about it.

My therapist is kind of weird. I like him, but - he is strange. He says I am presumptuous.... by which I assume he means arrogant. I said that I write well - he said that was arrogant. He gave me shit about my problems learning Italian, and thinks that this is arrogant as well (no - its not arrogant, its embarrassing).

I do write well - though I have no desire, at this point, to do it professionally (I write because its how I can express myself). I know my area's of competancy - and I know my area's of hopelessness.

I don't know if this man is a "fit" for the work I need to do now or not, and unfortunately, you never know if its a waste of time or not until you are really deeply invested.

I also think I shock him a little... because of some of my attitudes about sex and gender etc. (I am not the only person who is presumptuous in this interchange of ideas.... )

As to my broken heart... its still broken. I loved that boy - and I hate walking away so angry and bitter. He played with my heart, and worse than that - I let him. My eyes were open the whole time, yet I kept looking away. I wanted him to be someone he was not. I feel stupid for it... on the other hand, I think maybe I wanted to experience falling in love, but with no threat of a life long commitment.

I desperately want to find the good in that relationship, but right now, i think its good for me to be angry - and to hold him responsible for his behavior at the end. He was a coward, and that is, in my opinion, one of the worst things a human can be.

Last night, I had a long conversation with my brother, Charlie. He really doesnt quite understand why I am doing the work I am doing in regards to my internal processes, and trying to recover from our childhood. He wandered around lost, and then found Jesus as his personal lord and savior. In a very biblical sense...

I don't know that I can explain to him that my relationship with God is very different - and that I am doing Gods work as well.... I know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and I know that there is a purpose in it.

I just wish I knew what it was. God sometimes doesn't tell me why I am doing what I am doing, but when I am on the right path, I have an internal sense of rightness with it. Which is, I think why I do not feel this incredible sadness and despair I am in right now to be "depression" - I think there is meaning in the journey I am in right now.

It would certainly be easier, however, if I was clear on just what the meaning is!

On anger

In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death.
Anne Frank

I read Anne Franks diary when I was the age of the author - and thugh I did not exist inside a prison camp, my life was pretty terrifyling. I clung to that sentence - that people are baciscally good, all of my life. In many ways it saved me.

My own natural disposition (I think) - and my earliest training has handicapped me in a way. Anger at my mother was dangerous (to express anger was to suffer a beating) - and later, anger with Nick would only incur abuse.

So - I learned to be reasonable. Patient. Soft spoken. My anger, when expressed, tends to be only of the political variety.... or in frustration, or in tears - and the more someone really hurts me, the less able I am to respond with real rightious anger. I assume that they are basically good at heart, and have the best intentions, and are not trying to be hurtful... and this is in the face of some seiously outrageous mishebaviors.

So - I turn the anger in. I become sad, and depressed, and if I get hurt - I tend to blame it on myself. If I hadnt created it, chose it, it wouldnt have happened.

However - sometimes, people are really shitty. They do bad hurtful things to each other, they hurt each other on purpose, and sometimes, the intentions really dont matter. Sometimes people suck.

Last night, the fact that Ale had been advertising on a dating site finally occured to me. Since he has 2 accounts, and had blocked me from the one..... (as I figured out...) it could be that he was being a lying jackal the whole time I've known him.

My first response to this knowledge was to be hurt, but benevolent. To say - ok, fine - he saw the end coming, and he didnt mean for me to know. I didnt get hooked, or so I thought.

But then... last night.... it suddenly occured to me... he was stupid and cruel and unthinking. He was in a relationship, and was not looking for friends... he was ACTIVELY looking to start fucking some one else. His profile contained things that are a lie (ie - I am molto romantico...). THREE weeks ago he claimed "I am not a romantic... I hate all that ooh ooh ooh stuff"

And I thought - being calm and serene and giving him the benefit of the doubt... no matter how "enlightened" my approach, was an inappropriate response. He fucking jerked me around. He was using me, witholding, and lying.

The PROPER emotional response to this is ANGER. I shouldnt be "hurt, sad, and depressed" - I should be rightously pissed off. THAT is the HEALTHY response to have when someone treats you disrespectfully, badly, and breaks thier word to you.

My sweetness and gentleness - while a good quality is not enough.

If someone did what he did to someone I love, I would punch that person in the nose! I would tell my friend "he is a fuckhead, lose that bastard." And I would cast a spell to give him syph too.

So, I wrote my anger. And I sent it. Fuck getting my keys back. Fuck a sweet gentle reconcilliation talk.

Ale is a rat bastard, and I hope that the law of karma hits him in the hardest and most nasty way. With any luck, in his next life, he can come back as an islamic female and get sold into the sex trade.

Fuck him, and fuck his entire act. So there.

Im embarrassed!

Last night, with Steve's help - I wrote a letter to Ale, basically saying "hey - are you REALLY sure...."

I am such a moron! OK, actually, its kind of funny - (my sense of humour returned today....) - but, man - he is not going to understand anything I meant...

I'd send a text message saying "please dont read that!!!! PLEASE!" - but, then he's going to think I'm a pyscho. Ok, more of a Psycho.

It seemed like such a good idea at the time.... But, in last nights dream, I recieved my answer "Lady, its too late...." so now, its just redundant.

Now, when I recieved that answer in my dream, a little piece of me panicked. So, I went into a trance state, and followed the emotion. And found the baby in the orphanage. I picked her up, and held her in my arms, and I asked her what her positive intention was behind inspiring me to send that letter.

What happened next broke my heart.... this child collapsed against me, and began to cry - inconsolably. Not in rage, not in terror, just in complete and utter sadness, confusion, and surrender. I do not know I have held a being before who was so inconsolate. It was such a raw emotional state - pre intellect, pre verbal - just a baby confused as to why no one loves her and no one wants her, trying to be perfect in order to survive.

I tried to tell her of the future, of the great big life she was destined to lead, how there would be men, and love, and children, and family - and the worst, scariest parts would be over soon - that God loved her, and she was more special than she could know...

But then, I had to put her down and leave.

This "part" needs to be reintegrated, but - I'm afraid to. I am afraid for now that an attempt on the reintegration of this part is going to seem to be and feel like a new abandonment - and acknowledgement that "she" is unloved, unwanted, unvaluable - and destined to always be rejected, abadnoned, and thrown away.

This afternoon I am going to see a gestalt / NLP guy who has actually worked with this shadow work and parts integration stuff.

I am proud of myself - so proud - of the exquisite care and attention I am giving myself right now. But - man - I wish we hadnt sent that letter, I hate feeling dumb!

Finding Grace

First, the daily report; I had another dream last night. He keeps coming to me in my dreams, and I wish that would stop right now.

A little background here. A few years ago, when I was working with John Michael, I was hired to consult on building a dating site. So I now belong to every dating site in known humanity. I;ve met some pretty great folks through these sites, including Ale - but I never resigned from these sites because I like online chat, and - well, watching trends and technology is my job.

The day after Ale decided to send me a text message, and completley fucked me up - I get a mass email from one of the dating sites. And there, listed in "Men in your area" is Ale. Being a masochist, I clicked. He joined the site 2 weeks before we split (confirming absolutely what I thought was going on). His message said something like "Im sceptical, but I might be interested in falling in love".

Ouch.

Then day before yesterday, I get another email from them, with him at the top of the list as an appropriate partner for me.

Ouch Doppio.

So, in last nights dream, I get this letter from him, looking for love. Somehow, though I take no pains to hide my identity, he doesnt seem to know me. He's looking for a serious story.

I have intellectually let go of him, because he is simply not ready. If he follows the pattern of my life, I fully expect that some many years down the road, I will get a letter from him that says "I loved you, I just didnt know it then...." - because somehow, without fail, my long absence tends to make men nostolgic.

However, my emotions and subconcious aren't releasing this yet. My prefontal cortex seems to be at war with my limbic system. In English: We have some work to do.

Now, whatever happened with this boy was triggering my subconcious all along. Life was working with me, trying to help teach me things, get me through some stuff that I hadnt yet resolved.

I was having physical symptoms all along - this part is where I get confused; I loved him, but was not really happy - logically I should have left this time last year... and I am not sure why I stayed. But, he behaved in such a loving manner towards me, and so much of this was so good.... yet I felt pretty fearful most of the time. Yet, arguably - in many many ways this was a very good relationship. Sad thing is, had I kept my cool - maybe it would have worked out the way I hoped. I have no idea, but I do know that love and relationships should not make you feel fearful. I am usually pretty consistant in acting in my own best interests, so what was going on here?

My conclusion is that he was confirming some unconcious or subconcious core belief. Somewhere beneath the surface of logical thought, I must have imagined that if I could win his love I would somehow get "healed".

When he abandoned me, I spun out. Things I thought pretty well done with got triggered, PTSD, Panic disorder, generalized anxiety....

I hate "labeling" these things, and pathologizing my experience, but first I needed to cope with the physical symptoms of what was going on. Then, I needed to make a plan - becuase this is a learning experience I do not wish to repeat.

This all came together for me the day before yesterday, when I woke up - for the first time in at least 7 years, with a full blown panic attack. (For you who havent had them, it feels like a heart attack). Now, clearly, this had nothing to do with Ale, and everything to do with my amygdala (the part of your limbic system that stores emotional memories of fear).

So, I allowed myself to follow the emotion, and I started getting clear flashbacks - of being 2 or 3 years old, and of being put in an orphanage, and never knowing if I would ever see my mother or brothers again. Of trying to be perfect and compliant so that someone would take care of me. Of being afraid, but pretending to be fine all the time, never crying, never showing fear.... These memories came back clearly to me, including my pajamas, the bath I was given, the smell of Ivory soap.

It isnt that I have ever forgotten this stuff, not the physical part of it.... but I never really "related" to this. I never really gave myself any sympathy or empathy around this. Its one thing to be afraid of abandoment if you havent ever been abandoned, but I was - in a very real way.

The more violent and frightening experiences of my later life are very well healed. But the little stuff... having a mother who could be loving one moment, and then dangerous the next... being left alone as a baby for days without food... being dressed like a doll, and then being tossed aside to fend for myself, that stuff is still very present I think. I see how it manifests in my choice of relationships, in the pattern I have of insecure relationships and preoccupied attachment.

There are 4 primary types of attachment, generally established in the first years of life, and depending on your primary caregiver. If you had excellent parenting, you tend to form secure adult attachments. My care was crazy - and though I am not avoident, I am very preoccupied and anxious in my attachments. From the words I have heard from Ale, and from watching his family - he seems pretty dismissive of strong emotions and attachments.... thats a pretty bad combination, really.

What I want, more than anything, is a solid, loving, stable relationship with someone I adore, who adores me back. I want a secure, healthy attachment... but clearly, I must be prepared for having that. So, I think its time to do something about this non integrated part, and the attendant out of control behavior.

Over the last couple of days, I have created a plan of action.

First, I am taking medication for anxiety and depression. I dont currently - at this moment in time - have the tools I need to stop my nuerotransmitters from being over reactive and hyper stimulated.

I found a therapist here is Florence who specifically works with the type of work I need to do right now - specifically Eriksonian Hypnotherapy, NLP, ShadowWork and parts intergration. He has trained directly under Bandler and Dilts... and he speaks English.

Life teaches every lesson you need to know when you need to know it, and when you are ready, the right teachers appear.

Do I hope Ale sends me a letter, saying - "please, I miss you, can we try again please?". Sure. I love him. There was a lot of good there. But he is NOT the point. He cannot, ultimately make me happy nor unhappy - that power only rests in me. Whatever the outcome of this story, as sad as I am now... I know that ultimately everything is always for the best - if you let it be so.

another pretend letter....

I miss you so much. I don't know what happened here, or why this didnt work.

We absolutely adored each other. When we didnt see each other for a while, our faces would simply light up.... when we touched it felt so right, so easy, so comfortable. It was fun, we were gentle with each other - we treated each other so well... we were almost always happy to see each other.

So WHY did you decide to put me in the "temporary" category? What happened between "This is going to be a serious story" and "I don't think this will be a serious story?" It ended up being pretty serious anyway.... But, somewhere, early on, you changed your mind, and the reasons were - well - dumb. And I couldnt ever really get you to give me a clear reason, and your actions and face belied your words.

Why did you want out? You were pretty damn happy - and it wasnt that you wanted out "now", because you didn't. You wanted me to stay with you, because I made you happy, but you didn't want to be my friend. And I just can't make much sense out of this.

You always said we didnt love each other "the same" - well, thats because of the dynamic created when you put me in the temporary category.

I am, regardless of your fears, plenty emotionally healthy - but honestly, we all have baggage we bring to our human relationships.

My "baggage" is my response to emotionally inconsistancy - you want me to be instabile? Do this: Be very very loving, happy to see me, and clearly adore me. Then, do this: Withdraw, pull back, and say confusing things like "I dont know how I feel, but you are the most important thing in my life".

Guess what happens then? I get clingy, I get needy, and I get scared. Then I push, because I don't like feeling that way. It felt like home. I can deal with indifference, I can deal with hate, I can deal with most everything life puts in front of me. Inconsistancy in the people I love turns me into someone I am not.

And, Ale, no - I honestly didnt think much about the future with you - as much as I loved you. That you may have grown into a life partner was a hope, because so very much of our relationship was so very very good.

Oh boy - I miss you so much. Had I known how much I would miss you and how painful this would all be, I would have put up with your crazy making mixed signals for a whole lot longer.

I'm not sure what more you were looking for, and I wish I could have given it to you - I really do.

I hate the fact that we cant talk through this - I guess this is supposed to be normal, but its new to me. I have never ever given up a relationship - I work through them, til everyone is OK.

I think the worst thing of all is that we were never friends, you never trusted me to be a friend with me. And I never understood that. I guess it was your way of keeping me at arms length....

My friends take care of me, and I of them. We pick each other up at the airport, we help each other do dishes, we rent movies and watch them. And that was what I wanted from you - and it was what you wouldnt give me. You gave me love, you gave me sex, you treated me like a princess.... but you never ever gave me your friendship, and that makes me saddest of all.

Oh lord,God

Im tired. His sending me a text message screwed with my head. I feel like all this suffering Im going through is both a.) confirmation of his notion that I am somehow unstable (I was in love, you morom) amd b.) entirely disproportionate to the facts at hand.

This whole no contact thing is absolute bullshit, and it is the cowards way out of getting out of something that wont work. I hate this - and I will never ever ever ever ever get involved with someone who is an emotionally unevolved as this guy.

I dont even wish him well anymore. I hope he marries a nice italian girl and lives a life of abject misery.

Im tired of hurting like this. I am tired of crying. I am tired of not sleeping.

I didnt think I was that much in love with him. God am I dumb.

Worse than all of this, is that somewhere in the back of my mind, I really believe I got manipulated into breaking up with him, just so he wouldnt have to deal with my tears.

Tomorrow, I need to pull it all together... because I have a thousand things that are far more important than this boy. I have my son, my job, and a ton of people who love me and are really concerned about me.

No more dreams, lord. No more seeing him as he could be, seeing his inner self. A man must be judged on his actions, and his actions say he doesnt want me, never loved me, and would have continued using me as long as I allowed it. Fuck it.

I forgive you, Ale. And Im sorry. I made a mistake. I thought you were something you are not, and next time, I will know better.

Its basta.

Today I read something....

Today I read something that made me cry.

"You do not have to be perfect to be loved"

I really need to work on that.

I had a really bad night. The sex dreams are the worst. The sex is what is making it so hard for me to wrap my head around this all.... to think forward and about moving on, and finding someone else to love. Because I can't imagine it. Not the love, love is easy. Being touched again by someone else. The image is simply repulsive.

Ale is the first man, I think, who I ever made love with. I have fucked other people, joyfully - gratefully - gladly. I have used my body to enter ecstatic states, to touch god, to see infinity. But "making love" was new to me.

I miss the way he smells (he left one of his sweaters here, and I torture myself by breathing it in hen the longing gets too bad....). His being in the same room with me made my knees weak. The moment he would touch me, my body would respond. I never felt like pushing his hands away.... his body and spirit were always welcomed by mine... it was like finding my male shadow self.

And I dont know what to do with this. This is the core of the pain for me. And I'm not sure how anyone can seperate this from love, dismissing it as "only sex". (I've had "only sex" - its not the same.)

His spirit was remarkable, when he was in the throes of ecstacy, and all defenses were down and I could see him all gentle and shiney.

He was so unlike anyone I knew, and not necessarily in great ways. The people in my life are all nerds, big brains, outrageous talents, driven, spiritual, political, and brilliant. I don't know that Ale is particularly exceptional in any other way, except how much my nature loved his. Certainly, without that physical connection, this would have been a 3 date affair.

But now I feel stuck, because I want him so bad every fiber of my being is aching. I dont want another man. I dont really want to eat food. I am not interested in my vibrator, or in sex, or in much of anything at all.

I could dismiss this all by calling it addiction, and maybe the model is true... but in my belief system, when 2 people connect on a physcial / spiritual plane like this, it MEANS something. Its IMPORTANT.

He didnt love me, or didnt think he did. And for the life of me, I really can't understand why. There are very few reasons not to love me. But, then again, I tend to believe that love is an act of will... and he simply wasnt willing.

As much as all this hurts, and as scared as I am of moving on (dating. yuck), Im working my way through it. I wasn't asking for the moon, I am not ready for the moon. What I needed was so pedestrian, so reasonable, so unexceptional.... I wanted him to be my friend.

My friends show up for me. They hang out and watch TV. They pick me up from the airport. They help me hang shelves. They hold me when I cry and bring me chicken soup when I am sick. They care about my life, about my son, and they love me.... just as I am. Our lives touch.

It just doesnt seem to me to be an outrageous request to have these things from the person with whom you share your bed, you know?

It suddenly occurs to me....

I dont really much like people who hurt my feelings.

When you stop looking for the ground beneath your feet...

When you stop looking for the ground beneath your feet, you have only one option. Faith. Because, you have got to believe you will land on something solid, or that you will be taught to fly.

Last night, I had one of those experiences. I let go.... and the universe supported me. In a big way.

After yesterdays posting, I was sad. Not depressed, not hopeless, but instead of fighting, running, crying - I just let it be.

After reading about love and limerance, something occured to me. The cure for limerance is love. Not wanting anymore, just accepting... so, I made the leap out of limerance by embracing both my love for him, his limited love for me, and letting it be lost.

And then, the miracle happened.

I rode my bike to the festa del unita. I wandered around alone, cycling though all the stages. Anger, Denial, Barganing, Depression and Acceptance. I got a massage. I went to the shooting booth, and I won a huge tiger. I wandered around some more, hoping and terrified that he would see me there.

Then, I simply sat down at the enoteca. I nursed a glass of wine. I watched the people, and just allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, without fighting any of it.

The waiter looked at me, and he said "You look sad" - he went inside, and two waiters returned, bringing me a plate of food - Then, 2 men sitting at the table next to me asked me what was going on. I said "love, and a broken heart". Then they began to chat with me, and feed me - fruits, more wine.... and ...

I knew... I KNEW suddenly, that the Universe was supporting me in a big way. Everything was OK. With him, without him - it doesnt matter.

I woke up today - with a terrific hangover - but only a very little bit of pain.

And then, I looked at my phone. And there is was... spelled correctly....

"Shaun.... I am so very sorry"

Perhaps it changes nothing... but I am so grateful to know that he hurts too, he misses me too... I am not alone.

faith and gratitude

Love always comes with a price. And, the price is always a broken heart. It doesn't matter if the love lasts a year, a minute, or a lifetime.... it always ends the same way.

Faced with this reality, we can choose to close down and become numb. We can simply not participate.... and in fact, I know people who have done this, and well... they are just a little dead. Many mistake this closing down as "peace" - but, its not. Its just being a little dead.

The other choice is to simply open your heart, knowing that everything is impermanant, and that no matter what, you will suffer. Sometimes unimaginably.

Robert McDonald writes in "Tools of the Spirit" that

Love is 100% participation in life, knowing that who you love will be taken from you, knowing that if you love, your heart will be broken. Love is fully participating knowing that everything you hold dear is changing, is impermanent and will die... it is not a guess, its a guarantee. And the question is, "Whats the value of continuing to love anyway? What is the value of continuing to open again and again and again?" And what is the alternative?

For me, the alternative is to be a little dead. And that is most certainly not what I want. I want to live with an open heart, able to love people in the face of fear, rejection, and certain inevitable loss.

I have been hating myself for loving Ale, and I have been feeling very ashamed of myself for having a broken heart. Elaine said the worst thing she ever could have said to me, when I was crying about it - telling me that "I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself", because it reinforced my sense of shame for having loved.

She may be my mother, and she may be the wisest person I know, usually - but in this case, I have been desperately seeking to find someway that this brokenness was meaningful......

I hope, that somehow, some of my love reached Ale, and that somehow I made him a better man, and his world a better place. I will always love him, because he is who he is, a gentle and loving irreplaceable being. That he didnt love me back in full measure has naught to do with me.... we are all limited in ways and shapes, and he gave me what love he had to give, whatever its limitations.

For me, I will strive to be grateful for having loved and for those moments where he had some love to return.

I will strive to be grateful for this pain, because pain gives us things to work on as we grow more and more human through out our lifetimes. Pain is a messenger, and is not our enemy. It is our friend, if we allow it to be so.

I will listen for this pain, and I will allow it to be meaningful, and I will try and listen carefully for all the lessons it has to teach. I will try and move closer to it, and embrace it, and ask it to help me heal the little shadow child inside of me who holds a core belief that she will never ever be loved.

Love brings joy, but it also brings suffering. Peace can only be achieved with the acceptance that these experiences are neither good, nor bad... they just are, and each has its own gifts.

Mornings are the worst

I've been able over the last 2 days to start seeing things a little more clearly - by the end of the day.

But when I wake up in the morning, its like starting all over again. I feel a weight on my chest, I feel this immense sadness, I wish he would call me and say he's changed his mind - he's not done yet either, and he would like to see where this adventure takes us.

And then, I have to remind myself; For all his beauty, for all his gentleness, he is a coward. He is not brave. He set me up to do the dirty work here, so I would have to be responsible for breaking my own heart, because he couldnt bear to do it.

It takes courage to grow up, it takes courage to love one another, it takes courage to walk away.

I had a right to expect my love to be returned. I had a right to expect that in a relationship, you have it together. I had a right to expect, from a year long partner, that when I reached out - he would be there.

He had no right to keep me in this if he didn't really want to be here.

I remember, when I was clear that I was falling hard, requesting that he end a story.
He replied "I can't do that, because she loves me"

That is the voice of a child.

Running out of words....

Finally, finally - I seem to be running out of words. There is so little, really, left to say.

Its been 12 days since I made the decision, and 9 days since I broke it off, and 5 days of no contact, and I still hurt.

I still pretend to hope he will call me - and it will all be made right so that I will stop hurting, but the thing is that now, I have so very little left to say. After a year of being willfully unheard, what difference would any of it make? He had a year... and in that year, he never ever valued what we had - I think I overestimated him.

So, what would I say - if there were any hope of being heard, or understood? Just this, and no more:

1.) All relationships are serious. They are all serious, because we are all so precious and irreplaceable. And, we are all - each and every one of us, fragile, broken, and unstable. Unless of course, we have never suffered. And a person who has never suffered hasnt grown enough to have anything to give, because they are not yet fully human.

2.) Commitment is a way of life. It doesn't mean you need to get married, or have a house, or babies, or anything else. Commitment is about being where you are, with who you are with, and doing your best to love each person to the best of your ability. Its about willingness... dedication, and a life without a commitment to living is not worth living. Without commiting to our lives and those who share it with us, we are nothing important.

3.) Not growing up is not an option. Just like immortality is not an option. You can try and choose not to grow up, just like you can try and choose not to die. You are setting yourself up to fail - and you will hurt many people in the quest.

4.) You are already grown up. This is not a rehearsal for some day in the future where your real life begins. THIS is IT. And you never stop growing up. No one is a finished project until the day they die - and if you are a buddhist, not after either. If you resist growing up, what you are doing is refusing to grow at all. And that is truely pathetic.

5.) Talking yourself out of loving me was one of the stupidest things you will ever do in your life. Sexual soulmates are not something you get at the market. We were lucky in each other... luckier than you know. The grass will never ever be greener.

6.) Our relationship was fundamentally good. While you were busy trying not to love me, when you were with me, you were loving me anyway. There are no bad memories to grasp onto, and in each others presence, there was almost never anything short of joy, and a whole lot of unadulterated ecstacy. It was worth working on. I was worth working for. And you blew it.

7.) You are lovely. And kind. And you are a very very stupid boy for letting me walk away.

Oh ... and PS:

8.) You have had 3 or more major motor vehicle accidents, all of which could have killed you, and at least 2 that nearly did. Once is an accident. Three times no longer is... You really need to explore why you crash things. Because, if you don't? You will do it again. How do I know this? Because we repeat everything in our lives, until we learn its lessons.

I wake up in the morning....

I wake up in the morning, and each day is a little better... but then, I begin to think. And all my confusion crashes in, and becomes too much. I'm so hooked, and I want relief from this so badly, and I hope I can think my way out.... but thinking only makes it worse.

My soul craves what my soul craves, and seems independant from my thinking.

I cant fix this, I cant change it.... I can only get unhooked.

One of the things I am thinking about, and is utterly confusing to me is the difference between attachment and being hooked. According to buddist teachers, unattachment is something of a goal. But, according to everything I believe about life, healthy attachment, love, partnership, commitment - these are things to be sought and nurtured as part of being a healthy human.

The other thing I am trying to look at is the difference between love and limerance. Love is what I was trying to have, but limerance was the state I got stuck in. I seem particularly sensitive to uncertainty and rejection, and once uncertainty comes into the mix, I become simply insane. My attachment and desire becomes completely detached from any objective reality - it seems to depend on feeling anxious. This is a really nasty trap.

I dont resent Ale for the year I spent with him, but I resent the fuck out of a situation that is going to cost me anything to recover from. This is not my fault. This is not his fault. This just is. Its going to take me months to get over this, and honestly, I would rather just move on.

But - if I dont examine this - my attraction for people who are slightly rejecting of me, I will repeat this ad nauseum. My intellectual understanding of it won't help me. I need to get it on a deeper level, so that I can break this habit.

However, it is this limerance - when experienced by two people simultaneously, that leads to healthy attachment and to pair bonding. It is a biological force, driven by the limbic systme of the brain, enhanced by dopamine and oxytocin, and is largely involuntary.

So, somewhere between not experiencing this at all, and not letting it "hook" me is the answer - but I am not sure where the answer lies.

The truth may be that I, for all his sweetness, and all my desire, had he reciprocated in full - we would be dead in the water anyway. In the breif moments that I can see him objectively, without the positive qualities I have imbued him with - but which he doesnt actually posess to my knowledge (this is a two part post today....), love most likely would have grown, I would have seen him as an unacceptable long term partner, and we would have parted. And, with MUCH LESS pain on my part.

However, for me, being trapped in a limerant state, robs me of all of those things which I KNOW to be true. It really truly makes me nuts. Even as I was trying to tell Ale to not mistake limerance for love.... I was as surely locked behind its doors as if I had been commited to an insane asylum.

I want a long term partnership, and I want it with someone who has many of Ale's qualities. First, I want it with someone where the sex was like it was with him. I want someone with his inherant sweetness and natural state of loving-kindness. These were very attractive qualities.

However, the truth about Ale is that I always felt he was a little bit shallow. I took his buddhism for a sign that maybe he was deeper than he seemed... but now I am sort of doubting this. I think that Ale has taken some of the core messages of buddhism, and misunderstood them - for example, his notion of detachment seems to be a justification for a lack of commitment to his life. His notion of impermanance seems to be a justification for not really taking full responsibility (what is the use of love, purpose, and commitment when everyone dies anyway)....

He's smart, but he doesn't read books - he finds them boring. He makes summary judgments about things (Harry Potter is a nerd). When asked about the strange disconnection in his family, he didnt even think twice "Thats the way we are".

I don't want a male version of me - but some things are core values to me. With a partner, I insist on REAL and abiding freindship, because lovey-doviness is a transitory emotion. It comes and goes. But a freindship bespeaks a real loving commitment. When I tried to speak of this, he has not one clue what I was talking about (or worse - he pretended not to.) I want someone who has core values about taking responsibility. And understand the full meaning of being commited in an uhooked world.

Those are not that boy. More on that later.

Im scared

Im not really hateful. I wish I were. Its like a mask I'm trying on for size. Thinking hateful thoughts helps for a few minutes here and there.

What I am is scared. This person made me something I have never really been. He made me gentle. He made me sweet. I am a kind person, but I have never been allowed myself to be sweet. I can be gentle, sometimes - but never in any situation where I could be hurt. But somehow, without meaning to - he influenced me, by his own gentleness and sweetness, and by the fact that this is what I saw reflected in his eyes.

He took away from me all of the tools I have developed over time with which to defend myself. Suddenly, I am not longer a jungle cat, but I am a kitten without claws.

And worse. He made me kiss him. I don't kiss people. I don't. I don't like it, its too close. And though the me with the voice never trusted him, the me behind the voice did.... or at least the "me" behind my voice trusted the "me" behind his voice.

I thought he would win out, but all the voices in his head talked him out of it.

And now, what I am afraid of: Lisandro made love with me last night (he laughed at me, because he had never ever heard me use that phrase in his life.....) - and I felt nothing. He used my whip. I couldnt feel it. He tried the paddle. I couldnt feel it. He tried hot wax. I couldnt feel it.

What if I can never feel again?

Oh - and the biggest reason I hate you....

You made me kiss you. I don't kiss people. I don't.

All the reasons I hate you

I hate you because you sent me an email. And because you spelled my name wrong.
I hate you because you said "I want us to be friends, but not right now" - excuse me, but if we were not friends for an entire year while we were fucking each other, what makes you think we have any basis for friendship now?

I hate you because for an entire year, you tried to pretend that this wasn't serious. Guess what? Relationships between human beings ARE serious. ALWAYS.

I hate you because you KNEW I was falling in love with you, I ASKED YOUR PERMISSION, you bastard. I told you I was getting attached, I told you I was scared, I asked you if I was safe, and if it was OK - and you said it was.

I hate you for your lack of imagination. Any time I would speak to you of commitment, all you could hear was that I wanted to get married or something. Yes, I want a lifetime partner, but I never ever pressured you to be that to me.... (though, sometimes, I hoped it would work out....)

I hate you because you and I created this mess, and other men are helping me clean it up and reclaim myself.

I hate you because last night, Marcello took me to dinner to make me feel better. And he took me to Lobs. And I was wearing the dress I bought for you. And they sat me at the same table. And Marcello said that maybe you wouldnt love me because I didnt want to marry you.

Afterwards, Lisandro came over so I wouldnt be alone - and we went to the Festa, and because of you, I cant shoot anymore.

After we came back to my apartment, he tried to make love to me. But my stupid soul (you know, that thing that is us behind the voices in our heads.... the thing you dont believe in) wants YOU. I couldnt respond. I couldnt come. And this is with someone who knows and understands my body.... and loves me.... and he couldnt move me at all. I hate you because you didnt understand that sex between us was NOT a result of my experience, but because our souls knew each other. You are a fucking idiot.

I hate you because - because of you, I cannot eat. I havent eaten in a week. And my body looks better than it has since I was 17, and you aren't here to see it.

I hate you because every time I look around me, every time I go outside, everything reminds me of you. My clothes remind me of you. The skyline reminds me of you, the New York snow globe on my desk reminds me of you. I can't go anywhere in this whole city, because every single place I look carries your memory with it.

And I hate you most because I am not good at hating. Hating is not something that comes to me naturally, and now? Hating you is the only thing I know how to do to keep myself from loving you.

One Less Set of FootSteps

We been runnin away from
Somethin we both know
Weve long run out of things to say
And I think I better go

So dont be getting excited
Oh when you hear that slammin door
Cause therell be one less set of footsteps
On your floor in the mornin

And weve been hidin from somethin
That should have never gone this far
But after all its what weve done
That makes us what we are

And you been talkin in silence
But if its silence you adore
Therell be one less set of footsteps
On your floor in the mornin

Well baby one less set of footsteps on your floor
One less man to walk in
One less pair of jeans on your door
One less voice a-talkin

But tomorrows a dream away
Today has turned to dust
Your silver tongue has turned to clay
And your golden rule to rust

If thats the way that you want it
Oh thats the way I want it more
Well theyll be one less set of footsteps
On your floor in the mornin

Well therell be one less set of footsteps on your floor
One less man to walk in
One less pair of jeans on your door
One less voice a-talkin

But tomorrows a dream away
And today has turned to dust
Your silver tongue has turned to clay
And your golden rule to rust

If thats the way that you want it
Oh thats the way I want it more
Cause baby one less set of footsteps
On your floor in the mornin

Oh baby one less set of footsteps
On your floor in the mornin

I got a "dear shoun" letter

Yesterday, whn Ale answered my request for a conversation by email, something shifted in my mine. You know something? You just dont DO that. Well - you do. After a coffee date, when you are saying "Im sorry, there is just no chemistry here".

On the other hand, you have eaten, slept with, played with someone for a year... do you know what you do? You DEAL with it. You face the tears, and you hold that person while they fall apart, and you help them with the transition, and you fight and cry and you are there.

This man, who I was so "in love with" let someone else deal with the tears and pain that belonged to him. He is a coward. He is a user. He is a child, and my respect for him was misplaced.

So, last night, after recieving the "Dear Shoun" letter (excuse me, but after a year you cant even spell my fucking name????????) I called Lisandro. I thought I was OK, because that letter pissed me off. I mean, really really pissed me off.

Well, Lisandro thought I was OK too... because he chose last night to begin having one of those stupid meaningless fights that were the cause of us splitting in the first place.... and I just lost it.

Every single ounce of fear, shame, humiliation, exhaustion, insecurity came pouring out. I said horrible things, I spewed every evil fearful thought inside of me, things I did not know were still a part of me. The feelings I have always harbored about my birth having been a mistake, on how I wish that I had succeeded in killing myself when I was 14, the feelings that ultimately I was born alone, will die alone... and that I hated God for creating me, because I will never be loved or lovable or enough.

And now, no matter how alone I am, and how alone I think I will always be, it no longer matters becase I MUST leave my son a better legacy than I had, that I cannot let MY family of origin destroy or harm my son.

My hopelessness doesnt matter. I have to pretend to be strong, no matter how broken I am.

You know, the key to get me to attach to you? Almost, but not quite love me. Do that, I am fucking yours for ever. Ignore me, Im good. I couldnt care less. Love me? Thats ok too, I care, intellectually. But if you really want me to feel something? Love me with one hand, and take it away with the other, and I am your dog. Because THIS is what I KNOW. This is what I was taught. And somehow, no matter how highly achieving I am, no matter how healed I seem to be.... I do not think I am worth loving, and that the ONLY real love is the love that you earn by being the best at something.... the best fried chicken, the best blowjob, the best listener, the prettiest girl in the room. Love is not something I merit simply for being alive.... its soemthing I must convince you of. And, if I win it? Well, I wont believe you anyway.

Now I can see these destructive patterns, I can see this brokenness.... but I have no idea what to do about it. I know this isnt right. I know that life is about loving the people you are with, the people you surround yourself with. I know that ALL relationships are about commitment - you COMMIT to the people in your life, because that is the single most important thing about being human - and I can do this - right up until the point I meet someone who is a completely fucked up moron, who doesnt understand exactly what love is supposed to be about.... and then, I go right back to being a child in my mothers house.

Right now, I am working on obliterating or at least distancing myself from all the happy memories I have of that boy. I am trying to attach myself to every stupid thing he ever said, every small bigotry he uttered, every drop of BS that he ever spilled from his mouth. Now, this is really hard, because he and I built a lot of really happy memories. I am trying to allow myself to be angry with him, to hate him, to drive a wedge between what was good and myself. I am trying to recall how unhappy I have been this last year, how insecure..... its the only technique I know.... because honestly, ultimately - this man was a waste of time.

The hardest thing last night was working through my shame and humiliation. I am SO embarrassed. The moment he invited me to the beach if I left my boy with a babysitter, I should have been so fucking outrageod that I should never have even spoken to him again. Seriously. That was an outrage. But I wanted him so much, that I ignored it.... WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I wasnt thinking. I was 3, 5, 7, 10, 15 years old, and I wanted my mother and my family to love me. I would do anything to get that love. Gifts, and meals, and constant forgiveness, and never ever stopping to try and get that love.... I was a 2 year old, waiting in my crib, in a childrens home, praying praying praying for my mother who I didn't know would ever come back. I was an infant, and my life was in jeaopordy.

None of this had anything to do with Ale, who ultimately was a nice person and a good lover.... but was just an ordinary person with issues of his own, and who lacks the grace and courtesy to be able to actually love the people he is screwing.

As for Ale... for me its really done. I am complete, and I do not wish to see him ever again. MY friends (even my last big unrequited love!) stay in it with me. They hold me when I cry and they help me get back on my feet and dry my eyes and move on. MY family now helps me have the strength to raise my son, and they work hard to make my world a better, more stable place so that I can make the world a better place for Spike. The people who are worthy of my love understand commitment, and living a commited life.... they understand how precious love is and they are glad to have my love in return.

As for me, I need to find a way to heal this last area of brokenness... because this is the big one. I dont quite know how - because I am relatively certain that finding someone who doesnt love me, and making them love me - wont ultimately heal this fear of death, of aloneness, of abandonement and unloveability. And if I dont find a way through it, I will repeat this... selling of myself.... time and time again.

Oh - and Ale? Fuck you. Saying good bye by email is about the nastiest, most cowardly thing a person can do, and I am ashamed of you, and I am ashamed that I ever loved you. Bye bye.

Its done

Hi Shoun
i'm sorry you feel sad...i'm really very sorry!
the letter you sent me sayed thrue things and it
wasn't hurtful for me. i understood you.
i thought...probably i need more time to thinck...but
i prefere do not see you now.
i would like to be your friend but not now...you know,
i like you for many many reason...but i thinck i dont
love you...not in the way you love me...i thinck is
better we end the story.

Ale (i know, my english is terrible, especially for
these kind of things)

Its done. I can't breathe. I'm free. We are both released to our higher good.

Is this really helping?

I dont know if writing like this is really helping, or reinforcing my current pain levels.... I am like a junkie going cold turkey here - the physical symptoms I am dealing with just suck!

So, just like if I needed to quit smack - I need to review, yet again, why I did what I did and ended this relationship:

1.) I was tired of feeling edgy and nervous all the time.
2.) He wanted to stay in a sexual relationship with me, but did not wish to have an emotional relationship with me.
3.) He didn't love me.
4.) He wasn't my friend.
5.) He was sleeping with me, while planning on replacing me with someone else.
6.) He would not stay over on a sunday and make pancakes with me and kick it in the park after brunch.
7.) He did not pick me up from the airport when I came back from long trips.
8.) He did not want to be in a relationship with me.
9.) He did not want to be in a relationship with me.
10.) He did not want to be in a relationsip with me.
11.) HE DID NOT LIKE KIDS. YOU KNOW, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH PEOPLE WHO DONT LIKE KIDS! ITS LIKE MY BEST FREIND WAS A BLACK PERSON, AND HE HAS SAID HE DIDNT LIKE BLACK PEOPLE. NO DIFFERENT.

All I have done here is moved up the time of suffering from the time it would have happened inevitably... he was ambivalent for this whole year. I may have saved myself another year of weirdness. And I still would have ended up on my couch, crying and watching CSI.

His ambivalence was making me fearful and unstable and insecure. This insecurity was triggering a fear of abandonment. This fear of abandoment was making me act clingy. My clinginess and neediness was making him more ambivalent. His ambivalence was making me feel at constant risk of abandonment.

Now, what EXACTLY is good about this? I BROKE it off, because this relationship was broken, and there was nothing - absolutley nothing else I could do to stop what was happening and where it was going.

YES, I handled it badly, and as a result, I prevented myself from getting the support I needed from him to end this in a good, healthy way. However, ending this mess was the ONLY WAY OUT. It was NOT getting better, it was getting worse.

He is not going to call. If he does call, it will be because he is ready to call. Pushing him to do anything has backfired in all cases. He is clear that he does not want to be in relationship with me, and that is that. I am clear that I only want to be in relationship with him IF it can be redone in such a way that it is a healthy, happy, supportive relationship in which all parties can get their needs met. There is no fucking reason on Gods green earth to think we are going to have this, because if he actually wanted it, we would have had it.

My behavior will not get me what I want. Writing emails and sending text messages will not change it. I just want my fix, because I am simply a drug addict, addicted to this boy, and having withdrawl symptoms that I did not anticipate.

Now, being that, after promising we could talk, he has cut me off, not contacted me, and is screening my calls - it is clear that he is not interested in a happy healthy or any other kind of relationship with me. Furthermore, its a little bit unkind, to know that someone you care about is in pain, and you don't try and help her though it. So, maybe I need to go back to the drawing board, and create the sort of relationship I intended - with someone else.

So, time to pack my bags and move along, little doggy. Its over. Its done. Its finished, and there is not a goddamn thing all your pain and suffering and tears will do to change it. Suck it up, brush off your pants, put on your dancing shoes, and move ON!

Just for today - I will not call him. Just for today, I will live my life without him in it. And I will do it again tomorrow, and tomorrow. Until he is nothing but a happy memory of a man I used to love.

Just for today - I will ask god for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Just for today, I will clean up my house, I will go take a shower. I will put on my happy clothes, and my dancing shoes, and I will go live my life. I will go have a drink, I will make eyes at pretty boys, and I will start to remember who I was before I fell in love with someone who was too stupid to love me back.

I did it all wrong

Fuck. I called him. I'm being screened. I knew not to call him, to leave him alone to his own process....

If I wasnt prepared for this, I shouldnt have broken up with him. But - I havent broken up with anyone since the 6th grade. And when I was 12, breaking up felt like the most freeing thing to do.

Somehow, I thought if I ran away from this, I would be suddenly free of it, you know?

I thought I could just close the door on the feelings I have for him, and all the conflict of him being uncertain.

And now... somehow, I need to just give it up. Im free. He's free. Its over. And chances are great that I will never see him again. And somehow, I MUST make it okay with me.

I give up. God? Help me out here. I'm really bad at surrender.

I release him to his own higher good. I am free.

dreaming again

Last night, Lisandro babysat me. He took me out, got me drunk, brought me home, spanked me soundly, and put me to bed.

My last thoughts before I went to sleep is that I will be okay, I have a lot of love in my life, many many people who care for me, provide for me, and they do it without fear of punishment nor hope of reward. I will go on, I can love others, I will have sex again, and it won't be "bad" just because its not him.

I woke up after a few hours of sleep. Lisandro tucked me back into bed, and left... and then I had a dream.

I was packing my things, preparing to get on an airplane. I was packing my things away... and Ale's father showed up. He asked me why I was packing, and why I wasn't with his son.

I poured out the whole sad story - that I loved him, but he didnt want to be a couple, and that I needed an adult in my life, and he just didnt want to grow up. I told him all about my life, that I have a son, and a home - and I wanted a friend and a companion, and that Ale just couldnt do it. I told him I missed him with all my heart, and I asked him to please say goodbye for me.

He asked why I didnt call him and tell him myself, and I explained that I deleted his number, and I could not reach him. He said "Come with me", and we got in his car, and began driving - and we pulled up to a house, and I tried to duck down in the back seat, but Ale got in next to me and smiled, and kissed me and said "Ciao, povera".....

Then, they asked if I had time to see something before I needed to leave, and suddenly we were in a Gondola in a canal, and it was beautiful, and the canal was full of magical animals, and the most beautiful birds, and mythical animals.

We pulled up to a house, and Ale helped me out of the boat, and I thought to myself "This boy has been very well raised" - and as we were walking up to this house, he asked me how I had spent our little time apart, and I just looked at him... and he rephrased it, and asked, Ok, who did you see during our time apart, and I just replied "friends" - and he laughed, and we walked into the door, and I woke up.

I do not know if this is a true dream, or just wishful thinking. But it was sweet, and it was sad, and it certainly held much truth.... and, at least the first steps - packing my bags, and telling the truth must happen. With no hope at all that he will 'come around' in the end...

Day 5, 5pm

I feel like a small animal who is buried in its hole, panicked and tired. The process of my divorce was so traumatic that I have forgotten most of the pain.... This is fresh and raw and new, and it is so painful and confusing that I do not know what to do, how to be, or how to think.

I know under this all that I will be fine. I have a history of good relationships, and remarkable people who love me. What I liked about Ale is the whole "this feels like a really NORMAL relationship.... how interesting". Well, truth be told, I dont HAVE normal relationships. I have extraordinary relationships with really really wonderful people.

He's a wonderful person, but I dont do normal relationships, and now I know why. How could I deal with someone who is so hung up about commitment. I am an extremely commited person, and I am forever commited to every single person I have ever loved in my whole life. And this concept, one of a commited life, is something I couldnt talk through with Ale.... because he kept this odd belief that my love for him was some sort of trap to ensnare him into adult hood.

Thats not what I want! I want a friend and a lover and a companion, someone who I can trust and grow with. I dont want a boy who steps one step forward and two steps back. Love me, or don't. I am an incredible, loving, gorgeous human being... there isnt much about me not to love. Its fucking ridiculous!

I want a partner who is capable of loving, openly and freely. I want someone who can love me with an open hand, but knows we are there for each other. I DONT want to be with someone whose intention is to eventually dump me for another woman when he gets tired of me, and therefuore keeps his distance.

BEcause I am less than human. I am a termporary entertainment of someone he is fond of. No person should be any persons entertainment.

Ok, maybe thats not fair.... but I need to be with a partner who loves me - AND IS CERTAIN OF IT!

Why do I not want to end this relationship? Because I think that someday, he will realize he loves me? Somehow, to the men I have really really fallen IN love with in a serious permanant way - that only happens when I am gone. Really, for good, totally gone. When it is too late.

Maybe Ale, as beautiful and charming as I find him is actually just ordinary. Maybe that is why there is nothing extraordinary here - Maybe I fell in love with just a cute guy who really DOES have not much to offer?

Or.... if he does have something to offer, what he was offering me was not that great. Dinner is great, but curling up in front of the TV is better.

Day 5

It still hurts, a lot. But, I am starting to breathe again, to get a little perspective. Don't get me wrong - I still want what I want, and maybe thats immature and stupid, but the ONE possible future I could see with him was so good, and so much of our time together has been SO good.... but... I'm trying really hard to release it.

Besides, I want a relationship with him, and I love him - but ultimately? I don't NEED him. Pain is not all bad, and there is some comfort in the rawness of a broken heart. I dont know how to explain it.... but it has something to teach about compassion and resilience.

How I am getting through it right now is by just sitting with the pain. Not fighting it, not feeding it (much) - I think of him evert 25 seconds and each time I think of him, I say "I release you to your highest good",and I try and quash all those stubborn voices.

Also, I am I think getting a little mad, and that helps. Its not right to sleep with someone for a year, and treat them as if they are casual. Its not right to sleep with someone a year - who carefully TOLD you what was going on, and then ask her to stay when you have no intention of something more than casual.

In some ways, I feel I had done the same with Marcello: With one difference. Though I was clear that I did not wish to spend my life with him, I also gave him all the love, attention, respect I could. I made it into a good relationship for both of us.... and when he needed to end it, I was there, every minute, helping him get through it.

I was not asking for the world, and somehow, the whole course of this relationship, I felt ashamed to ask for what I needed. Like somehow, wanting this to be deep, profound, and dependable - to conciously embark on a journey together - was somehow wrong of me, like somehow, I didnt deserve that consideration.

Its totally OK to expect love from someone you've been with a year. Its more than reasonable to expect that when you've been gone, they will pick you up at the airport. Thats what friends do. The man I give my body to was less involved and less intimate with me than just about all of my other friends. It has been other men in my life who have held me when I cried, brought me chicken soup in bed, offered to take my son to school when I had the flu - It has been the other men in my life who have helped me fix broken stuff, and called me just to see how I was doing because they love me and care about me.

I have EVERY RIGHT and every reasonable expectation that the person who shares my bed, with whom I spend all my romantic energy, will be at least as attentive to me as my friends.

And, you know - its sad too, because, every time we began to become a little more intimate, he would pull away and throw another brick on the wall. We are good together, enjoy each other, like each other - and sometimes when he wasnt looking, we were loving each other. But, each person only has the capacity for what they can do.

So, though every time the phone rings, I pray its him - Im trying o let it go. I am trying to release him and this relationship... because, even were we to reconcile, I must have a different relationship with him. More love, less attachment. And, honestly - at this point I don't really hope for much. I think whats done is done and cannot be undone.

Lose 10 Pounds in 5 Days! Miracle diet!

Day 1

Sleep 2 hours. Wake up. Burst into tears. Cry inconsolably for several hours. This will rid your body of unneeded water, and will raise your heart rate and get your metabolism going.

Drink some coffee.

Eat some vitamins.

Make some toast and stare at it.

Take frequent breaks, throughout the day to burst into tears or have a panic attack.

Day 2

Sleep 3 hours. Wake up, make coffee.

Eat some vitamins.

Make toast, but DO NOT EAT it.

Stare at the computer, and hope he shows up. Dial the phone, but hang up. Remember to keep yourself in a state of panic for optimum benefit.

Add 3 beers - just to make sure you get some caloric intake.

Stay awake until 5 am.

Day 3

Sleep 4 hours. Get up. Make coffee.

At this point, you may choose to take a shower, but this is optional.

Eat vitamins, make toast, and take a bite. Vomit if necessary.

Stare at the computer. Write a really stupid letter, and send it. This will cause a new panic attack, raising your heart rate and increasing your metabolism.

Go out and drink at least 5 glasses of wine while pretending to eat, just in case your appetite returns the next day. The wine will prevent you from eating.

Day 4

Sleep 4 hours. Wake up. Cry a little. Make coffee. Eat vitamins. Make toast, but leave on counter.

Promise yourself you will not call him. Dial his number. Be relieved when he doesn't answer - and then - this is very important - imagine that he is not answering the phone because he has already met a new woman, and is at the beach fucking his brains out while laughing at you.

This will cause you to cry inconsolably - yet again ridding you of unwanted water weight!

Day 5

You are now at your target weight! Yeah!

i feel like shit

I feel like shit. Honestly. I feel crazy and out of control and sad, and all I want to do is hear from ale and pretend nothing bad happened and make all this hurt go away.

I am not helping myself here. Because if I dont leave him alone, he has got no chance of thinking, and I am coming off like a crazy out of control desperate fruitcake which is so attractive, how could he resist me.

Basta.

I dropped him a note, he may or may not read it... and I tried to call, but he was not there (or has caller ID) - and he is probably out of town in any case. I also sent him an IM, but again, I dont know if he has me blocked or not. He needs space, and so do I, if I am thinking clearly.

The thing is, right now I am so uncomfortable with these feelings, so afraid of abandonment, that I am simply acting in a panic. It isnt useful.

I AM THE ONE WHO CALLED IT OFF, AND I DID IT FOR A GOOD REASON. I NEED A GROWN UP IN MY LIFE, AND HE DOESNT WANT TO BE A GROWN UP. IF I AM, ULTIMATELY, IMPORTANT TO HIM, ITS NOT OVER. IF, ULTIMATELY, I AM NOT SO IMPORTANT, THEN I AM BETTER OFF MOVING ON AND FINDING SOMEONE WHO CAN LOVE ME.

I just didnt count on the despair. I didnt count on how hard this would be, how much I would miss knowing he is in my world, how the thought of never having him in my bed again would strike such a deep deep deep place of terror in my soul.

Right now, too I feel like I cant trust my greatest counselor, because she told me that I can choose to be ok any time I like.... and that I am just "feeling sorry for myself". Well, yes, I am. Its a terrible thing to be heartbroken, it hurts just as much as if I had broken an arm, and right now I am pretty damn much hating myself - so feeling a little sorry for myself, having some compassion for myself seems like an appropriate emotional response.

I KNOW this will get better. As Federico pointed out to me, there has not been one man in my life who isnt a really great person, and that I have been fortunate beyond imagining. The rightness or not rightness of the person for a partnership, not with standing, I have no reason to believe that the next man I love wont be just as wonderful as every other person I have been priviliged to know.

My biggest scariest fear though is about the sex. Ale never really believed me when I told him that I have never ever experienced anyone like him..... and now? I am afraid I never will. The sex alone made it almost worth it to stay.... and is the one big reason I am so incredibly freaked out right now.

why i ended it

For the last few days, I have been so wrapped up in tha pain of all of this, that I cannot think straight. I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, I cannot work - I want to take it all back, I want to do it over. If I make it my own fault, then maybe I can change everything... the part, the present, and the future.

Yesterday, I said that the first time he pulled back, I panicked... and that was true. But there is more to that story.... because he didnt pull back just that once... he stayed, the whole time, just out of reach.

To review, for the last year, I have been falling in love with someone, sleeping with someone, playing with someone. And, over the last year, I have nearly always felt lonely, waiting, or on hold.

We have only gone on one date during the day, except for New York. We have never spent the weekend together. We have never just hung out in our pajamas. He never met me at the airport. He has never called me long distance just to talk to me.

If this were a good relationship, he would have listened to me while I was feeling insecure, and would have done something about it. He was a good lover, but not a good boyfriend, and he doesnt want to be my boyfriend now, and nothing I say can change it.

Intentions Continued

This morning I talked to Ale. Actually, I sent an offline message, in the wee hours... not knowing whether or not he would recieve it, but I couldn't sit with the discomfort anymore. Basically I said something to the effect of "This sucks and I hate it...."

And he responded, with essentially the same sentiment. Along with an 'Im sorry - I dont want to lose you, and I dont want to grow up.'

I suggested that we are important to each other, and I would prefer to find a way that both of us could be happy and comfortable, rather than just walking away; and that if we did decide we just can't make it work, I would prefer it be a mutual decision. He agreed, but does not know if it is possible unless we want the same things. He has no answers yet.

So - here are the facts as I understand them:

1.) We both care about each other very much, and we don't want to break up.
2.) We both want to be happy, and we both want the other person to be happy.
3.) I love him, and I want to be a part of a couple.
4.) He cares about me, but is not ready for a deeply commited relationship, or does not want a deeply commited relationship with me.
5.) He believes that if you love someone, you want to be with them all the time.
6.) He loves me when he is with me, but does not want to be with me all the time.

This looks pretty impossible to fix, unless one of us is willing to change. If being a couple is permanantly off the table - and this is a clear intention of mine... then we are at an impasse. Because, as long as this "elephant" is sitting inbetween us, the joy we have in this relationship is constantly being challenged by our mutually unmet needs - my need for being together, and his need for the feeling of freedom.

As it currently sits, it is a recipie for hurt and misery. Not good. The question is, how can we BOTH get what we need and want, and is it impossible, considering where we both are in our lives?

If I were to state and intention - a clear intention for all of my relationships - it would be:

It is my intention to create all my relationships to be a place of sanctuary - a home where all can feel safe and loved and wanted for the precious beings they are, wherever they are in thier life - where they are welcome, and appreciated, and cherished. I want my relationships to be a safe place that provides for growth, and warmth - where love and happiness and support can flourish

Now - I am actually GOOD at relationships. In my romantic relationships, even though we moved on - that love I wrote of above has always stayed, even as the relationships grew, evolved, and changed. With very few exceptions.

If my relationship with Ale had proceeded without complications, I think that whether we were still together or not - the love we bear each other would still be present. Somehow, I failed this relationship by allowing my emotions to overwhelm me, and by losing site of who I am in my BEST self.

I was not brave, and not always honest, and I tried to cajole, and manipulate, and to sulk like a child, and to obsess, and feel anxious. (And you wonder why he imagines you might be a little unstable?) I got scared, he got scared - and we have both been involved in a power struggle, because I was holding on too tight, and he has been squirmig away - not wanting to leave, but hating the feeling of being held too tight.

I am not clear exactly how to change this dynamic.... it feels a little stuck right now, because my needs are NOT being met, and I hate the idea that there are only 2 options - which are to bitch or to walk away.

My needs in a relationship are:

1.) To know that I am welcome, wanted, appreciated and cherished, and to hear those things expressed to me.

2.) To feel safe to be myself, at my best and at my worst.

3.) To know that the people in my life are loyal and steadfast, and to know that they are on my side and in my corner.

4.) To know that I am respected.

5.) To be with people who are smart and fun at core, VERY good people.

6.) To know that the people in my life are commited to me, and to my well being. This is not necessarily the same as a lets get married commitment, but this was something I could never explain to Ale.

OK - now, frighteningly enough, if I look at that list.... Ale really DID fulfill most of those requirements. Furthermore, I have a funny feeling that if I showed Ale this list, he would say "But, Shaun, I've done all these things....."

So - what is in the way here? (Quiz question for my best friends: and what other relationships did I completely fuck up for the same reason....)

My PATHOLOGICAL fear of abandonment. I have been SO afraid that he would leave me, that I have created my own reality. Oh shit.

The first time Ale expressed fears, doubts, and reservations - I just FLIPPED out - and then it became all about him not leaving. Not about creating a great relationship, not about building a great freindship that would have a permanant future whether as lovers, or just as friends... but all about making sure he wouldnt leave me.

And this, of course, just reinforced his feeling of being trapped in something he isnt ready for - and made him far more doubtful of me. This fear has wreaked havoc on my sense of peace, on my self esteem, has caused me to have very poor judgement, and has caused me to be over-sensitive and over-reactive and just not myself.

OK - my genius friends.... I think that this is the last big thing I really need to heal, but in the meantime - is there any way to repair what damage I have caused?

And whether I can or cannot, how can I rid myself of this last big stumbling block?

Intentions

*subtitled: (What I did wrong)

I just talked with Elaine, and I am feeling quite a bit better...... still shaky, but better.

This needs to be edited tomorrow, and I dont know that I can write it all right now. Im so tired, and raw....

I got so attached to the outcome of this relationship, in making it turn out a certain way, that I ended up giving all my power away.... because I didnt speak up. Now, this is a theme. When I get too attached to an outcome, a person, a relationship I often go along to get along, and then I get afraid, and I beome like a child.

Now, the thing is, I have many really really good relationships. Nick is my only real unresolved relationship.... each of my other relationships are strong and healthy, and I am still friends with all of my ex-lovers and ex-boyfriends.

Now, one thing I havent been looking at, clearly, are my own intentions around relationships. When my intentions are clear, my outcomes are good. When my intention is confused and attached and do-anything-to-preserve-it (grasping), everything goes wrong.

My attachment to making this relationship work the way I wanted it to has been nothing but slow water torture.

What are my ideal relationships? What are important qualities in the people I love?

More.......

But I wasnt done yet....

The thing I hate most in this world is to DO NOTHING. To not try and push, change, do, fix, repair, talk - anything. Just to do SOMETHING to make everything ok.

But sometimes you talk, and you push, and you try and you try and somehow, nothing you do or say carries any authority, and nothing you try makes any difference at all... the ONLY thing you can DO is to do nothing at all.

I want to call him, (thank god I deleted his number), I want to IM him (I have not deleted him, I want to know he is still on the same planet... ) - but anything I do is something, and now I need to do nothing.

Because, honestly, I wasn't done yet. This relationship wasn't done yet. This relationship ISN'T done yet. We havent been to Barcelona, we have never been to Paris. I never showed him "The Power of Myth" and we never went skiing together.

But.... the path we were on, those things were not going to happen anyway. I had to get off the path, and hope, and pray that he follows me.

I think he loves me. I KNOW what he said.... that he thinks that being in love means you want to be with that person all the time. But there is one exception to that rule.... which is "unless you are scared of making a commitment"..... Because, no matter how much you might love someone, if you are unsure of being in a relationship, whether or not you love someone doesnt change the running away.

Because otherwise, it makes no sense. He didnt want out. He wanted to stay with me. He wanted me to stay. And it wasnt just for the sex.

But I couldnt be his whore. I could not keep wanting wanting wanting and not getting what I needed.

So, please Ale... trust me. PLEASE think about this, Please call me. Because I am not done. There are too many things left to do. We have an adventure to go on.

I know this is probably all magical thinking. Hoping this will all work out, and we will be back together is embarrassing. But its what I want, but not on his terms.... not with a label on my head that says "temporary"....

In any case, at least I can breathe again.

PS - I wish a friend would not give me any more advice. I feel stupid enough as it is.

why ifs ands buts should haves etc

Of course I cant send you a letter, but I can pretend.

Oh my god. I did not think I would take this so hard. I really didnt think my heart would break. I wasnt sure I loved you, I think, until I woke us at 6 this morning, and burst into tears.

I thought that I had held something back. I said that I was 'all in' - but I thought I had held something back. Silly me. I never do anything half way.

You asked why I loved you. (I think you were trying to figure out how come you didnt love me back). Ale, it was - mostly - the sex. Don't get me wrong.... the rest of you is pretty great.... but, here is something I never told you:

Yeah... I am good at sex. Because I am never there while its happening. The ME that is actually "ME" is usually sitting outside, watching. When I first meet someone, and make love with them, I can be present - a few time. Until there is emotion involved, or a chance of losing myself. And then, I simply disassociate from my body. Thats why I like strong sensations, spankings, etc. Not because I like being tortured, but because these things help me stay in my body.

But with you? I stayed in my body. Always, My "mind" never ran away. I never ever experienced it from the outside. When I tried to run away, you made me stay "Shaun, kiss me". I fucking never kiss anyone, because when I kiss someone, they have power to hurt me.

I dont want to go back to being outside of my body, watching. I dont want to go back to making love to people I dont really want.

The bitch of all of this is - I cannot, for the life of me, understand why you didnt love me, nor did you understand just how important THAT single connection was, how rare it was, and how lucky and blessed we both were.

You were beginning to love me, and I went away and somehow, in the time I was gone, I went from the possible long term relationship box into the short term only sex partner box, and I never ever understood why it happened, or what changed. I worked, so hard, to change it back.... but no matter what I did, I couldnt change it back.

And because I was getting something that I had never experienced before, I just couldnt leave without trying to win you, you know? The sad thing is, because of the way people are.... trying to win you was my defeat.

I hurt so bad right now, I have no clue how I am going to make it through today. Or the next day. Or the next. Of course, I know I will.... and I'll be fine, and I will find someone to love who loves me back. But, you, my love, are irreplacable.

Have you ever had that feeling....

Have you ever had that feeling that you have just taken a large hunting knife, pressed it into your chest, and plunged it into your own heart?

Yeah. Me too.

I broke it off last night. Fuck, I hurt. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I'm so tired I can't even see straight. I want to throw up, but I don't have anything in my stomach.

I know I did the right thing. I know I should have done this a year ago, before I got attached. I tried to do it about 20 different times. I knew all along that if this was "right", I wouldn't be miserable and depressed and anxious -

The thing was that when he was WITH me, he was with me. When in my presence, he loved me most of the time. But he didnt really want to love me, so he would leave, and I was left floating, and it hurt. But for a while, the times with him made up for the pain of the times without him, and I just hoped.

Smart girls know how to play the game. Smart girls know that if you meet someone you really like, you pretend you don't. You make them chase you, or they won't love you. But, I'm not really a smart girl, and my heart is on my sleeve - in a great position to be hurt, most of the time.

I can say "next time" I wont do that, "next time" I wont be like that. Next time, I'll play it by the rule book....

But right now, the entire idea of a next time is repulsive and scary and unimaginable to me. I try and imagine the next time: the next time someone kisses me - and Im going to want it to be him, and it wont be. the next time someone tries to touch my body - and I wont be able to stand it, and I will do what I have always done before him, which is just to disassociate from my body - and simply not be there.

I don't want there to be a next time.

I know this will pass, and I know I will be OK in a few days, and better in a few weeks, and in 3 or 6 months, I will be ready to move on. I know this intellectually, because that is how this happens. But right now, I just hurt. I'm laying on the floor here, and I am bleeding.

And the fact I always knew that this is what was going to happen is not making it any easier, its just making me feel stupid and embarrassed.

I really hate feeling stupid and embarrassed.