Beneath Despair

"He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our despair, against our own will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God."
Aeschylus

These day, some days are hard. Some a little bit harder. My experience right now is like looking out into a vast void, of being on a starship, staring into a space that I cannot comprhend. Being agoraphobic by nature, the seemin vastness or this emptiness is terrifying.

I feel that somewhere along the way, a faustian bargain was made by me or on my behalf; you will have many loves. You will knows scores of men, all decent and kind - you will love and be loved in return.... BUT

You will always be alone. In exchange for these riches, you will never have the experience of a truely deep lasting love - you will meet your soulmates, but they will fly away. You will meet freinds along the path, but they will not stay. There will be men who want to keep you - but they will not be the right ones. Those you want will not want you. There will be an abundance of sweets, but nothing of substance, nothing that will sustain you. In this you will be always on your own.

I am still desperately trying to sort out what happened with Ale. My head is still reeling - I am not a stupid woman, yet I stayed. He voiced all his fears, (even though his actions often countered them) - I KNEW he wouldn't stay. So why did I try and change it, why did I waste my time?

Well.... because he touched my soul. I KNEW him. My spirit knew his spirit and rejoiced in his presence, while the rest of me writhed in agony, knowing all along what the future held. I remain convinced that his spirit knew me as well, but he gives no credence to things such as spirit and soul.... the world of imagination and what it actually means is lost to him in his adolescent struggle.

But, now, I am so sad. I am back at the beginning again.... I am seeing some very nice men, all lovely. And not one of them, I think, is "the one" - unless I were to just give up and settle for someone lovely who will love me and be my friend....

But I don't want that. I want someone who touches my soul, who brings out the best part of me. Ale did that.... even though most of the time he was hurting me. He was a brother to me.... a twin star, an anima gemelli. And though there were moments where this occured to him, for him it was of no significance. Or of not enough significance that he connected the dots.

It could be that he is so rejecting of the child inside of him that the thing I loved the most in him is the thing he is most rejecting of in his own life. And because this was the level we connected on, it was simply no good.

Or maybe he just didnt think of it at all, and stayed with me because he liked me well enough and the sex was nice. Lord knows, for all his talk, he never tried. Maybe I am just not all that lovable.

I finally had sex, with a really really nice man - another Peter Pan - who, after about 5 minutes I had already sized up as FWB material. Someone who I wouldn't hurt, and who wouldn't hurt me. The sex was nice, it was hot, it was the way I wanted it.... and my body so desperately needed it.

But, it didn't touch my soul. I didn't stay in my body. I left while my physical needs were attended to, and my soul sat in the corner, watching on and wanting someone else. I was left physically satisfied, and emotionally bereft. I want to reclaim my body as my own again, but my spirit seems to have other ideas.

My body needs sex like it needs food and water.... it is not and never has been a moral issue with me before. Yes, I would rather be in love, but celibacy is simply bad for me... but right now, sex seems bad for me as well. It could be that I simply need physical affection, but I don't know how to accept it outside of a sexual context. I see nothing wrong with having fuck buddies, but perhaps I am simply too fragile to do this right now. Maybe I am trying to use sex as a drug, and now I am hungover. Maybe I am trying to use my body to simply forget, but its not working.

I am just so lost right now, and so on the knife edge. I am sad. I am grieving. I am underneath despair, and I think I shall always be alone.