I feel as if I have been sliced open, and the wound I have is simply not healing. It has become infected, hot, poisonous - despite the best medical care I can give myself.
I want to go home. But I dont have one.
I was only dating Ale, and only for a year. I wasnt happy most of that year, knowing that it was going to end this way. So why did it send me to this place? This much grief is inappropriate. It is no proof of love to wish to stop living now. My world wasnt so much better with him in it that I would prefer to not wake up in the morning than to live without him.... its simply absurd.
So, what is going on here. Whose voice is this in my ear claiming I want to be dead now? Who is this person who wakes, and begins to cry each day?
How on earth did my soul become so sick? For that is what this is... I am not simply heartbroken, I am soul sick.... and I am so ashamed and embarrassed. My stomach clenches in terror the moment before I open my eyes each morning, because it is one more joyless day in a lifetime of joyless days - days where I will do my duty, love as well as I can, do the things I must do to nurture my son and be a perfect mother....
And another day where I am all alone in a very hostile world where I dont belong and no longer want to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment