Reunion

Having given up on getting over Ale "my way" (or "his way" as the case may be...) I decided to face my fears head on, and see if I could go make friends with him.

I really should have stuck to my plan, and not had any relationship conversation with him, as it was a mistake. Those things that caused us to part are the same now as they ever were - and he is more "stuck" than he ever was.

To whit: I bailed on the relationship because I needed more than I was getting - I needed love, consistancy, and freindship.

So, we talked, we had a great time... and then I told him that I needed to open the door for friendship, because I dont love people and then lose them from my life.

He wants to be friends too - but he hasnt an idea of what that means.

However - let me spit out what I can spit out, because my head is all in a complete jumble right now:

He misses me. He wants me back in his life. He wants to be friends. In this, he is telling the truth.

Apparently, however, what this looks like is he calls me up for a beer and we hit the sheets. His words and his story line (and his physical and facial expressions) were all over the board. But - essentially he wants to fuck me and have no relationship with me.Now - of COURSE he would deny this is what he was saying. And honestly, I kind of doubt that is what he really wants....

But - what he is offering - as far as I can tell is this: he wants the milk for free, whenever he is thristy for such milk, and not only that, but he doesnt even want to purchase the hay to feed said cow.

I don't really know where he would get the notion that I am somehow desperate for fuck buddies, or that I don't already have a steady supply of very nice men to choose from, but he is, apparently, delusional.

Everytime I said - no... don't think so, he would try and sweeten the pot. When we had finally gotten to something that maybe I could live with, then he does this "take away" about how he doesnt want to marry me.

This seems to be his ditch to die in.

I tried to explain that this was beside the point, and not my current objective, but that he needs to drop the damn decision. As long as this decision is in play, there is no freedom in which to truely know each other. There is a closedness and a holdout, and that anytime we draw close to each other, that prefabricated decision will come into play, and he will pull back and run away, and then I will be hurt.


Sounds like a heck of a lot of fun to me.

Furthermore, there is a lot of presumption on his part that I consider him good enough or worthy enough to consider this as a possibilty. He isn't, by a long shot. However, I don't close the door that someday he might be the sort of person I would consider as a partner, nor do I reject the possibility that he might get a horrible disease, and I might be the last partner he ever has.

None of this is good enough for me, and right now, I think Ale is kind of a dirtbag. And that really disappoints me. Because I believe he is a better person than this. But, you know, I could be wrong. Maybe he really IS a big dirtbag, really is willing to take advantage of the love I bore him in exchange for a really exciting sex life, and really is willing to break my heart again in order to get what he thinks he wants.

As he put it, he was really happy in his relationship with me, but he wants to sleep around some more. He thought maybe I would be open minded enough to accept such an arrangement. He doesnt seem to understand that this arrangement could only work if I knew I was safe and loved.

The bitch of this all is that I know he cares for me. I guess turning me into an object would be a way to reduce the pain and confusion he feels surrounding his emotional life.

As for me, I am swinging between amusement, dissappointment, anger, outrage, sadness, and a sense of "oh my god, what were you thinking?". And an even larger sense of "Who the FUCK do you think I am, you stupid boy?"

So, we shall see. I am curious to see if he can bring anything better to this table than a bottle of beer and a roll in the sheets. Honestly, there are a few people I much prefer for that sort of activity, and they - unlike Ale - have the good sense to wear condoms and to not catch STD's.

Oh - and by the way, and this makes me really sad.... he doesnt make my knees weak anymore. I still like the way he smells, but he doesnt smell like mine. And the little feral girl inside who is so in love with him? She didn't like what she was hearing either, and did not even bother to come out and play.

Im sad. I love that boy, but right now he is a big stupid asshole, and I am really not so sure that I am even willing to have DINNER with him - much less consider him a candidate for a life long partnership.

Do I want to be his freind? Right now, I am not sure - because I dont really think he knows how to be this. I am willing, but - thier needs to be something in this for me, and I dont think that there is.

For about 3 minutes last night, I thought we were going to be able to get back together. That maybe we would get a do-over, and a chance at something really good and meaningful and loving. But he is offering nothing, and honestly - I have better things to do.