I've been thinking of you all day, but... well, the truth is that I have nothing to say to you. I am still so confused whenever I think about you - when ever I think of this entire past year with you. My mind just "jumbles up" and I get all tangled.
I love you... or I think I did. I saw in you an essential sweetness and kindness, an innocence that touched me so deeply. And your soulfullness... Ale your soul was so lovely, and - you didnt even believe you had one.
Some part of me trusted you with all of her heart. Now, the rest of me, I suppose, knew better. But, I tried my best to win you over. And you just wouldnt come.
Now, the confusing part of this is that, well - some part of you DID love me. I sounds stupid to say it - and arrogant - and maybe even its totally delusional. But I felt it in the way you touched me, how easily your body came to mine in a single rythm. The way, a while ago, your face would light up when you saw me.
Yeah... I saw the other signals you were giving me... but I also saw how relaxed you could become just being in my presence. All those times when your guard was down, and you werent thinking about our future... and you were just with me.
I feel I lost a brother, I lost a twin star, and there is nothing that is going to change that. Its over, its too late, what has been done cannot be undone. But fuck, it hurts.
I have, of course, been moving on. I am seeing a couple of people, both VERY nice... both love kids, and dogs. They are very nice, very good men. Maybe something will work out with one of them, maybe it won't - but it would be so much easier if you weren't always on my mind. I cry after making love. I cry when another man makes me come, becaue I dont WANT to have to be moving on. And I hate that I can come with someone else. And I hate that I am doing it from across the room - no longer able to remain in my own body.
I miss you. I wish, so much, that this had all come out different. I wish, so much, that I had played all the silly girl games to make you crazy, to make you chase me... I wish I had pretended to barely acknowledge your exhistance - the things that would have made you believe you were in love. But -- I think I wanted to be loved for me, with my baggage, on my own terms.
I wish you had been him. I wished you had been "the one". I'm tired of looking.... but I am glad I didnt 'settle' for you, because the longer I've been apart from you - the more I realize what I had to give up to be with you.
I shouldnt have done that. I should have stayed true to myself. I loved you boy, but looking back... Im not sure you were worth it at all.
Go with God
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