The Actors Nightmare

Oct 22nd


If you know an actor - any actor - ask them what their worst theatrical nightmare is. They will all tell you the same dream. They are on a stage, in front of an audience, performing a play they don't know and for which they have never rehearsed.

Yesterday, I lived this dream. It lasted from bedtime on Sunday til bedtime last night, when I finally gave up the day and buried myself under the covers. By bedtime, I felt that I had spent the day with Kafka.

My day was spent embroiled in drama's of other peoples making. These people were near strangers to me, yets somehow I got caught up in their lives. My mere existance (not presence - because I had never met these people before!) caused pain, tears, confusion - there were phone calls, text messages, emails expressing deep personal trauma's and fears.

I didn't know my lines. I improvised as best I could, but without an understanding of the themes and story lines, I was trapped in these bad plays that I had never rehearsed. I tried to direct the course of events, but had no notion as to the motivations behind the others actions, and not a clue as to the intended outcomes of the play. Besides, no one was listening to me as I desperately tried to give notes and rewrite what were some very bad scripts.

If I could explain to you how exactly this came to be, I would. But I still can't quite figure out what happened. A friend suggested that all my planets had gone retrograde.

I cannot understand how I got cast as a central figure in these several unrelated dramas. I am not that pretty - not nearly beautiful enough to be a leading lady. I am not young enough to be the ingenue. I am not plain enough to be the beautiful girls' best friend. I am not old enough to play the mother to adults, nor ugly enough to be the character actress. I am not even interesing nor mature enough to be the wise professional who comes in at the end and sets all to rights.

More to the point, I am NOT an actress. I am a DIRECTOR. It's my job to choose the play, audition the players, and to determine the course of events. I have no desire to be onstage in front of an audience. I am no longer nuerotic enough to be any good at it. I have no desire to star in any ones life but my own - and sometimes, not even that.

I left acting because the feeling of being in the actors nightmare was ever present for me, and the anxiety was so great that I would be sick before every performance. Besides, I am much better as a director than an actor. So - if you are seeking someone to star in a drama, please find someone else. If you like, I will even direct the play for you, as long as I don't have to appear on your stage. But - I'm a professional. Next time, you'll need to pay me.