First Rehearsal

Yesterday was my first rehearsal for Peter and the Wolf. It was an unqualified success. It was not as if I had forgotten anything, and it is stunning that it has been more than 8 years since I have been in a rehearsal hall.

I felt home. I felt as if an very important part of my identity had been returned to me, that the one part of me that is totally grown up - totally knows what she is doing, and why - was finally present again.

And then, I finished all my meetings, came home, and cried. Because there was no one there who knew how important this is, how significant it is... and how very much of a victory it is. There is no witness who really cares... and - I cried. I want someone who shares my life with me, and there is no one.

Now - before I hear a rousing chorus of "But you have Spike" - of course, I appreciate that, and I am more than grateful for that... but it is different. My baby is a baby, and children are like dogs. They love you no matter what, and having that sort of divine love is wonderful, but... it is not the same.

I did not know that broken hearts and disappointments in love could go on for quite so long. I never thought that I would mourn Ale, I really didn't. He is still heavy on my mind - and I am really not entirely sure why.

I had a dream that maybe we would come to share a life and a future. I dont know why I dreamed that. I don't know what prevented it. I don't know what I did wrong, and I do not know why he didnt believe he loved me.

I mean, I know several areas where I blew it... where I simply failed to assert myself, or be myself, and its no wonder he got bored...

But, I dont know why I dreamed a future. I just kind of saw it in my head, somewhere in the distance. I never ever know when this kind of stuff is clairvoyance, or where it is wishful thinking. If its clairvoyance, then I should try and change this. If it is wishful thinking, I am simply a fool.

But, I want someone who is crazy for me... and sometimes, he adored me. But, he wasnt sure, so he would pull away... and it mixed me up so bad. To have someone obviously adoring me, and then running away.

My friend Kenny says I should go change this if I can. I rehearse the scenario in my head, and I know I can probably bring him closer... but I don't know to what end. He was happy with me, and would leave and be scared of it all, doubtful of me, doubtful of a future, not ready to share his life in the way I see a marriage to be.

There has got to be someone out there for me who will love me like I will love them, who can see a shared future, a shared vision.

Its one thing I miss about my marriage... Nick "got" me, in a fundamental way. He encouraged and pushed me - and we looked out together. But he didnt love me either.

It is not, as some people seem to think, that I feel like I do not "deserve" love. It is not even, as I often tell myself, that "no one loves me" - because there are several people who do, and a few of them who would probably marry me tomorrow.

Its just that none of them are right, and the ones I love never seem to love me back, and the lonliness I have - particularly in the face of my successes, is overwhelming to me.

I wish that I could have went out with Ale - and told him how wonderful it was, and how I felt, and how successful this was, and how happy I was. But, he wasnt there, and I couldnt tell him. I think he actually would have understood....

But - I think maybe it was also this percieved successfullness (his perception of my competence) - that made him decide against me. "You dont want me, you want someone taller, more successful, more dominant, more adult than I am"

No - I wanted him. And I lost. And I still dont really understand why.