Moving on

"Inch by inch, row by row, gonna make this garden grow
All it takes is a rake and a hoe and a piece of fertile ground
Inch by inch, row by row someone bless these seeds I sow
Someone warm them from below
Til the rain comes tumbling down"

If I close my eyes I see myself with a rucksack over my shoulder... dejectedly walking down a new dirt road alone... leaving behind a shack that could never be my home. It looked like a palace while I lived there... but now, it is decrepit, and all fallen down.

I'm sad. Not heartbroken, not obsessed, no longer addicted. Just sad. Such a waste. Happiness wasted, and naught I can do.

So, I've packed my bags, and I am travelling into the future - and though I know this future has more people to love, and maybe a new home for me - and many many good things, I will miss the shack I have left behind.

I miss all the meals we won't cook together, all the cuddling on the sofa we never got to do - all the soccer balls we didn't kick around in the park. I miss seeing Paris with him, and I miss dropping mushrooms in Amsterdam, and going camping with Spike, and all the fights we never had, and all the make up sex we never had.

The why's dont matter too much anymore... he was stupid and wasteful, and didn't know what he had is sufficient.

So - I begin again. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time. I reassemble my life from the rubble and reassemble my soul - and allow light to show through the cracks.

I have so many options now, and all are good. Thing is, I was tired of all the options - even when they are good ones... and the vision of what could have been was just about everything I ever wanted. I am lazy, and I don't like starting over.

I liked being with just one guy who I adored. It was nice. It was easy. But - I was not the star in his sky...

So - I move along, and I date for a while - and I meet some new and fantastic people. I currently have some very good options, and we will see what happens. I start my theatre company, I start my counseling classes, I clean my house, I build my websites, I shine my sink, I love my son, walk my dog... and go to the gym.

Winter is here now, and there will be a whole new life come the spring.