Living on the Edge

Oct 24, 2007


As I searched the internet for the definition of liminance and liminality, I found that the online dictionaies can't seem to agree on a definition, and those descritpions that exist are - for the most part - incorrect and inaccurate.



Wikipedia does a better job:


The liminal state is characterized by ambiguity, openness, and indeterminacy. One's sense of identity dissolves to some extent, bringing about disorientation. Liminality is a period of transition where normal limits to thought, self-understanding, and behavior are relaxed - a situation which can lead to new perspectives.



I am currently living in a liminal state. I don't like the inbetween. I do not have a sense of being at the threshold of positive expectation. That said, I do not have a sense of being at the threshold of negative expectation either. But I dislike surprises - even the good kind.



The thing is that I feel as if I am in many ways permanantly limerant. I have never felt like a member of a family, or a club, or a community. I have had, since my earliest memories, the sense of being on the outside looking in.



So, what happens when someone who is sort of permanantly limerant falls into an even deeper limerant state? What happens when someone who is already accusustomed to a constant sense of disorientation begins to spin out of control?



My sense of identity has always been mercurial. I am keenly aware of the other personalities embodied in my psyche, and quite conversant with the archetypes that make up my soul - and I know that "Shaun" is not simply a single construct - though, of course - I have a face I show the world.



This 'persona' - the one that makes me seem sane to the outside world is dissolving, receding - and now, not only do I not know precisely WHO I am, I am no longer entirely certain of how to behave. That sleek, intellectual, sophisticated persona (or whichever persona I adapt, depending on the situation) that I wear to make others respond positively seems to be dissolving. What is left makes others uncomfortable. I understand, as it makes me uncomfortable as well.