Angels and Others

I am still sad, heartbroken, scared that I will always be alone - and more tired than I could ever express to anyone. I am still not in a big hopeful place, where the future looks all bright and shiney.... and I really miss how Ale made me feel, and I mourn the loss of someone who I really think was a brother / twin star.

But - God is good, and throws angels in our paths.

I met a boy named Massi a week or two ago. Now, as to partner material? No. Not even on the table. I don't have anything against crazy artists, mind you - but they can't really afford me. He is, by his own admission, another Peter Pan (at least THIS Peter Pan has a reason; artistic genius.) Over the long term, I need a partner, not a child. But - I have a feeling that he and I are really meant to be friends.

In any case, he is in the same stuck place I am - left by a girl he loved - and still in love with her ghost. Whats GREAT about this is that we are in something together, and neither of us is in a mind to lie about it, and we are reacting to things around each other in a similiar fashion.

For example, we had this really fun time together. The next days, we were both upset and depressed about it... for me it felt like faithlessness (if I had really loved him - how could we have had so much fun together....)

So - I have a new friend, and a new lover, and I think he will be my friend for a while... and honestly, I do not need nor want a new "big love" right now. But I do need a friend, and I do need a lover who isnt going to get hurt.

One of the things that I have been learning already through this encounter is how much of myself I sold off to be with Ale. Those of you who know me well know that I am a big FREAK. I mean this in the best possible sense, but it is something that shocks the conventional.

Now, whatever it was that created the sex monster I am - it is a primary part of me. I love sex, I love it dirty, I love nasty fantasies and I lack any inhibition around it - and I've been this way for as long as I can remember. It was one of the things Nick treasured about me. Now, with this new boy - well, he thinks its really COOL that I am so "strange". Its fun for him, and we construct these long fantasies together, and who I am sexually is not only OK with him, but something he thinks is wonderful!

With Ale I hid a lot. There is no way I ever would have risked revealing the girl behind the mask - the crazy little gay boy whore who takes up residence in my psyche. With Ale, I was so busy being the perfect girl, that I left the really really bad girl behind. I edited myself, removing what I thought would be unacceptable. Now - frankly, this really BAD girl is something that someone who loves me should rejoice in! She's FUN. She is part of my essence, way down at the soul level.

And you know - its the same with the fact I'm a Mom. Being a mother is something that has given me so many gifts... patience, and a sense of responsibility... and kids are - well - the best things since sliced bread. Massi and Spike have a lot in common - they are totally into Gormiti and Pokemon, and have these long conversations about it.....

My BOY is the most incredible person. Some kids are just no fun... but mine is, and it an exquisite human, and Ale shut him out. I let that go on, and honestly - shame on me. Love me, love my boy. Don't love my boy? Well you are an idiot, and really need to fuck off.

So - I think God sent me an angel, because the more I spend time with this new friend, the more Ale is becomming de-mythologized. I still believe that he loved me, or at least his soul did. I believe his soul will suffer the loss of me. But - I am finally coming to the very deep belief that Ale really wasn't good enough for me (and not the other way around....)

Thank you Massi! I am so glad you are my friend!