I am so done

Today began with a fight with Spike. Then I rememembered that I forgot Lisandro's birthday. Rhoberta is sick and undergoing chemo. My dishes need washing. I didn't sleep last night. I may or may not have an appointment this morning, but I cant remember. I need to see my commercialista, I havent paid any bills this month, and I don't know how to pay my taxes. I have a hundred phone calls to make, but I have become afraid of the phone.

And, Im done. I'm tired. I am not particularly happy to be alive, and I really want to get off now. The only thing keeping me from spinning into self destruction is my overwhelming sense of responsibility, and the love I have for my son. He is my life preserver right now, because as I see it, he is the only reason for me to be alive.

I am egocentric and narcissistic. I am self obsessed and self absorbed, and I live in this world of fantasy that doesnt exist. I pretend to be smart and together, and I think that if anyone really saw how broken I am the shame itself would allow me to vanish.

Last nights dreams were full of masochistic fantasy, where I did what I was told and in return I remained a child. Being a child would be nice, I think. I can't say, as I don't recall ever being in a state of innocence - only in a state of make believe.

So, today, again.... another day of putting one foot in front of the other. Meeting my obligations to the best of my ability. Pretending to be productive. Living a life that holds nothing for me except one person whose love I am certain of.

It is not that I wish I were dead, per se. It is that I wish I were living someone else's life, because I am not very happy with my own, and I do not see my own changing. My life is a combination of my choices, my background, and fate - and nothing I do or dont do will make much difference either way.

It is just that I need to adjust - this is it. This is all there is, there aint no more - I give up. I just give up.