not stuck - but still sad

I have been processing Tuesdays conversation with Ale - to the point it feels like my brain will explode.

I wish I were like other people, and not so prone to empathize with the other persons position, because - well - in this case, my position is the only one that counts. I keep arguing with him in my head, in tones of anger, rage, compassion, reasonableness - and I feel like I am going in circles.

Right now, it isnt even quite so much a matter of letting go (ok, maybe it is) - as in trying to make sense of this all. Its not that I want him back - right now I am pretty disgusted by him. His puer charm ain't cutting it with me, and underneath that little boy charm, I saw a fairly unsavory man.

On the top level of this is - I left, because I wasnt getting what I needed. However, its been hard and we miss each other. So - his solution is to give me LESS of what I need, because that would make him happy.

You see, he had a pretty happy year with me - except for my pesky demands to share my bed with someone who loves me. So, if I drop that requirement, he can be even HAPPIER.

Now - I don't know about anyone else - but that is making my brain explode. I mean, if I really believed he was an evil manipulative rat bastard, it could make sense... but I don't think he is... or maybe he is, and I am just a clueless twit.

I'm so sorry for him. I'm so sorry for me. But - I spent my childhood, trying to get my mother to love me. I spent my marriage waiting for nick to wake up and love me. I spent the last year waiting for Ale to love me. Now - tragically - my Mother did love me, Nick did love me - and I am pretty sure ratboy loves me too. But it seems to be my particular karma that this knowledge always comes a little too late.

I think, maybe, that I will just stop waiting for people to love me. I think one thing this dark night is teaching me is that I really do love and cherish myself. I am a really amazing person, good at love, relationships, mothering and freindship. And, I honestly just am out of patience for other people who dont know if they want me or not. It seems to me to be a no brainer - so, if this is their stand on it - well we can assume they simply have no brains.