I was reading Hillman's "Blue Fire" today. I really love Hillman.
He compares meditators to terrorists and nihlists. (My apologies to my actual Buddhist friends - I don't think he was aiming this at you. I think this is for all the fake buddhists out there....)
"I saw the present cults of meditation not so gentle, not so hamless as they like to be, but as a viscious bunch of totalitarians. They can't see the individual --- which you see only if you look for soul, look with soul. They cant see an individual person, let alone an individual thing. And the terrorist shooting a man coming out of his front door, shooting him in the knees is not seeing that man at all. He is in his spirtual meditation....."
I laughed out loud. I could never ever explain to anyone before why I dont like this whole "we are all one" conscioussness. Every time I have tried to explain it, some snotty asshole has condescendingly retorted that it is because I am "overly attached to my ego" - with all the insufferable superiority of the newly converted, who really haven't clearly thought through the dogma they have been fed.
The other allegation is that I am afraid of death. In my opinion, that is a sign of sanity and good mental health. Hell yes, I am afraid of death, and anyone who is not afraid of death has already died. Or is lying. Or is simply stupid. Or is in such pain that ANTHING else is preferable.
I am not all that eager to go to the "great oneness" - I like it here, I like being me - and whether there is a 'great beyond', 'the fires of hell', or another 'go around on the wheel of life' - I'm busy having this one right now, thank you. Hell yes,I am attached to my ego. And my soul. And my spirit.
That attachement is what makes us human. So, go into the great oneness if you want. I plan on sticking around here with my imperfect soul, spirit, and ego
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
On Discernment, Loss, Love, and Longing
October 25, 2007 - Thursday
Main Entry: dis·cern·ment
Function: noun
Date: 1586
1 : the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure : skill in discerning
In the Christian tradition, discernment is the act of attempting to determine what Gods will for you is - your vocation or your calling. It is the spiritual equivalent of deciding what you want to be when you grow up.
As a child and young adult, I always knew where I was going. I knew what my calling was, and I followed it. I have never been as successful as I wished to be, but I have, by most objective standards, succeeded in doing those things I set out to do.
I wanted to escape an unhappy and violent home - in both a physical and social strata sort of way. I did it. I wanted to be a Shakespearean actess. I did it. I wanted to go to college - to get married - to become a theatre director - to have a child. I did all of those things. And now, at this point, I have even travelled the world - or at least a small part of it.
But somehow all of us, at one time or another, fall off the path. We get lost. Our lives fall apart, and we must begin again - and when this happens, we become new people. Because we are new people, all these decisions about who we want to be must be revisited. This time, though - we are older. We have had our successes and failures, we have been beaten and had our hearts broken - we have experience.
You would think that experience makes it easier - quite to the contrary. Its harder. Its much much harder. When you are young, and just beginning, failure isn't even a concept. You dont' really know the pain and humiliation of a bad review, or the soul destroying properties of marriage and divorce. Everything is possible - and you will succed without suffering.
When you are in midlife, you know better. You know what success feels like - but you also know the incredible pain of failure - and you know it well enough to be very afaid.
This makes discernment hard. Of course you know what you really want. But you are afraid to ask. You know the price of not getting what you want. But, you also know the price of "settling" - and, to be honest, many people choose settling.
Joseph Cambell says that your life will turn out OK, if you only follow your bliss. But its hard to find the bliss again when you have fallen off the path - and your choice is to find your way back to the path you were on - or to find a brand new path. So - you stand in the middle, waiting for the voices of angels - because you don't know if you really want to choose at all.
Main Entry: dis·cern·ment
Function: noun
Date: 1586
1 : the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure : skill in discerning
In the Christian tradition, discernment is the act of attempting to determine what Gods will for you is - your vocation or your calling. It is the spiritual equivalent of deciding what you want to be when you grow up.
As a child and young adult, I always knew where I was going. I knew what my calling was, and I followed it. I have never been as successful as I wished to be, but I have, by most objective standards, succeeded in doing those things I set out to do.
I wanted to escape an unhappy and violent home - in both a physical and social strata sort of way. I did it. I wanted to be a Shakespearean actess. I did it. I wanted to go to college - to get married - to become a theatre director - to have a child. I did all of those things. And now, at this point, I have even travelled the world - or at least a small part of it.
But somehow all of us, at one time or another, fall off the path. We get lost. Our lives fall apart, and we must begin again - and when this happens, we become new people. Because we are new people, all these decisions about who we want to be must be revisited. This time, though - we are older. We have had our successes and failures, we have been beaten and had our hearts broken - we have experience.
You would think that experience makes it easier - quite to the contrary. Its harder. Its much much harder. When you are young, and just beginning, failure isn't even a concept. You dont' really know the pain and humiliation of a bad review, or the soul destroying properties of marriage and divorce. Everything is possible - and you will succed without suffering.
When you are in midlife, you know better. You know what success feels like - but you also know the incredible pain of failure - and you know it well enough to be very afaid.
This makes discernment hard. Of course you know what you really want. But you are afraid to ask. You know the price of not getting what you want. But, you also know the price of "settling" - and, to be honest, many people choose settling.
Joseph Cambell says that your life will turn out OK, if you only follow your bliss. But its hard to find the bliss again when you have fallen off the path - and your choice is to find your way back to the path you were on - or to find a brand new path. So - you stand in the middle, waiting for the voices of angels - because you don't know if you really want to choose at all.
Living on the Edge
Oct 24, 2007
As I searched the internet for the definition of liminance and liminality, I found that the online dictionaies can't seem to agree on a definition, and those descritpions that exist are - for the most part - incorrect and inaccurate.
Wikipedia does a better job:
The liminal state is characterized by ambiguity, openness, and indeterminacy. One's sense of identity dissolves to some extent, bringing about disorientation. Liminality is a period of transition where normal limits to thought, self-understanding, and behavior are relaxed - a situation which can lead to new perspectives.
I am currently living in a liminal state. I don't like the inbetween. I do not have a sense of being at the threshold of positive expectation. That said, I do not have a sense of being at the threshold of negative expectation either. But I dislike surprises - even the good kind.
The thing is that I feel as if I am in many ways permanantly limerant. I have never felt like a member of a family, or a club, or a community. I have had, since my earliest memories, the sense of being on the outside looking in.
So, what happens when someone who is sort of permanantly limerant falls into an even deeper limerant state? What happens when someone who is already accusustomed to a constant sense of disorientation begins to spin out of control?
My sense of identity has always been mercurial. I am keenly aware of the other personalities embodied in my psyche, and quite conversant with the archetypes that make up my soul - and I know that "Shaun" is not simply a single construct - though, of course - I have a face I show the world.
This 'persona' - the one that makes me seem sane to the outside world is dissolving, receding - and now, not only do I not know precisely WHO I am, I am no longer entirely certain of how to behave. That sleek, intellectual, sophisticated persona (or whichever persona I adapt, depending on the situation) that I wear to make others respond positively seems to be dissolving. What is left makes others uncomfortable. I understand, as it makes me uncomfortable as well.
As I searched the internet for the definition of liminance and liminality, I found that the online dictionaies can't seem to agree on a definition, and those descritpions that exist are - for the most part - incorrect and inaccurate.
Wikipedia does a better job:
The liminal state is characterized by ambiguity, openness, and indeterminacy. One's sense of identity dissolves to some extent, bringing about disorientation. Liminality is a period of transition where normal limits to thought, self-understanding, and behavior are relaxed - a situation which can lead to new perspectives.
I am currently living in a liminal state. I don't like the inbetween. I do not have a sense of being at the threshold of positive expectation. That said, I do not have a sense of being at the threshold of negative expectation either. But I dislike surprises - even the good kind.
The thing is that I feel as if I am in many ways permanantly limerant. I have never felt like a member of a family, or a club, or a community. I have had, since my earliest memories, the sense of being on the outside looking in.
So, what happens when someone who is sort of permanantly limerant falls into an even deeper limerant state? What happens when someone who is already accusustomed to a constant sense of disorientation begins to spin out of control?
My sense of identity has always been mercurial. I am keenly aware of the other personalities embodied in my psyche, and quite conversant with the archetypes that make up my soul - and I know that "Shaun" is not simply a single construct - though, of course - I have a face I show the world.
This 'persona' - the one that makes me seem sane to the outside world is dissolving, receding - and now, not only do I not know precisely WHO I am, I am no longer entirely certain of how to behave. That sleek, intellectual, sophisticated persona (or whichever persona I adapt, depending on the situation) that I wear to make others respond positively seems to be dissolving. What is left makes others uncomfortable. I understand, as it makes me uncomfortable as well.
The law of attraction
Oct 23rd, 2007
Earlier today, I wrote about my Kafkaesque yesterday, where there was this swirl of inexplicable melodrama, apparently not of my own making. The characters involved in this farce were unrelated to me by several degrees - yet, suddenly all this "ick" is invading my life.
* Ick is what we say in parts of the US when something is gross. Ick (or ich) is also this slimy disease that fish get where they ooze puss and drop dead. Either way, the word is appropriate.
Now, I tend to believe in the notion that the things that appear in your life are things that you are somehow attracting.. This is a very white, western, middle class view of the world (being that it is just as likely that life is random and purposeless....) but I am going to proceed on this theory.
Yesterday, random people showed up in my life to mess with my head. The details are not important - but both of these incidents were ridiculously bizarre, bordering on the insane. What they had in common is that both scripts involved people whom I have never met. Both sucked energy and joy out of my day and left me confused and drained.
I went to sleep feeling like the collateral damage of a bad cosmic joke gone wrong.
Had this been an aberrant experience, I would simply shake my head and think that some days are like this, even in Australia. But the truth is, I have felt like I have been in someone else's dream for quite some time.
If I look at my inner life right now, I shouldn't be too surprised. I do not know if this is part and parcel of the dark night experience, or if this is what follows the end of an important love affair, or if these are just things you experience because you are human...
However, my entire being, essense, soul, mind, and body are out of whack at the moment - and I am uncomfortable in my own skin.
I am restless. I have the energy of an adolescent teenage boy - and all of it just as undirected and unfocused and nearly violent. I am anxious and edgy and insatiable - it feels like I have itching powder on my inner being. I cannot sit still, and my mind is never quiet.
I have these huge appetites for food, for sex, for ...life. But all of it is just unsatisfying. I drink, but alcohol doesnt seem to touch me. I smoke, but this altered state - once to relaxing - now simply makes me more nervous. I read, I watch TV, I attempt to distract myself, but I cannot sit still.
My energy - my being, is so intense right now that I put anyone who gets to close to me on edge. I am not, at this point in time, a relaxing person to be around. People generally like me a lot, but right now it seems that only dogs and children can stand me.
So, I do not suppose it is any wonder than I am attracting the insane and bizzarre. The problem is that I simply do not know what to do with it, nor what to do about it.
I assume that my best course of action would be to simply sit with this - to sit quietly with this nervous anxious energy. There is no use in responding to either what I am creating or attracting, because my energy and tension only prolong and magnify the situations I am finding myself in. Unfortunately, I seem to lack the self discipline and impulse control to not do SOMETHING, even if those things I do are directly contrary to my own self interest. .
I have no discernment at the moment as to what is important or not. I cannot force my mind to pay attention long enough to distinguish between those things that require action, and those things best not messed with.
And I wonder, is this experience indicative of a block of flow in my life, or is this energy like the rush of water when a dam is opened?
In any case, I hope this adolescent experience is over soon, because I am tired of spinning in circles, and don't have the space at the moment to be attracting the insane.
Earlier today, I wrote about my Kafkaesque yesterday, where there was this swirl of inexplicable melodrama, apparently not of my own making. The characters involved in this farce were unrelated to me by several degrees - yet, suddenly all this "ick" is invading my life.
* Ick is what we say in parts of the US when something is gross. Ick (or ich) is also this slimy disease that fish get where they ooze puss and drop dead. Either way, the word is appropriate.
Now, I tend to believe in the notion that the things that appear in your life are things that you are somehow attracting.. This is a very white, western, middle class view of the world (being that it is just as likely that life is random and purposeless....) but I am going to proceed on this theory.
Yesterday, random people showed up in my life to mess with my head. The details are not important - but both of these incidents were ridiculously bizarre, bordering on the insane. What they had in common is that both scripts involved people whom I have never met. Both sucked energy and joy out of my day and left me confused and drained.
I went to sleep feeling like the collateral damage of a bad cosmic joke gone wrong.
Had this been an aberrant experience, I would simply shake my head and think that some days are like this, even in Australia. But the truth is, I have felt like I have been in someone else's dream for quite some time.
If I look at my inner life right now, I shouldn't be too surprised. I do not know if this is part and parcel of the dark night experience, or if this is what follows the end of an important love affair, or if these are just things you experience because you are human...
However, my entire being, essense, soul, mind, and body are out of whack at the moment - and I am uncomfortable in my own skin.
I am restless. I have the energy of an adolescent teenage boy - and all of it just as undirected and unfocused and nearly violent. I am anxious and edgy and insatiable - it feels like I have itching powder on my inner being. I cannot sit still, and my mind is never quiet.
I have these huge appetites for food, for sex, for ...life. But all of it is just unsatisfying. I drink, but alcohol doesnt seem to touch me. I smoke, but this altered state - once to relaxing - now simply makes me more nervous. I read, I watch TV, I attempt to distract myself, but I cannot sit still.
My energy - my being, is so intense right now that I put anyone who gets to close to me on edge. I am not, at this point in time, a relaxing person to be around. People generally like me a lot, but right now it seems that only dogs and children can stand me.
So, I do not suppose it is any wonder than I am attracting the insane and bizzarre. The problem is that I simply do not know what to do with it, nor what to do about it.
I assume that my best course of action would be to simply sit with this - to sit quietly with this nervous anxious energy. There is no use in responding to either what I am creating or attracting, because my energy and tension only prolong and magnify the situations I am finding myself in. Unfortunately, I seem to lack the self discipline and impulse control to not do SOMETHING, even if those things I do are directly contrary to my own self interest. .
I have no discernment at the moment as to what is important or not. I cannot force my mind to pay attention long enough to distinguish between those things that require action, and those things best not messed with.
And I wonder, is this experience indicative of a block of flow in my life, or is this energy like the rush of water when a dam is opened?
In any case, I hope this adolescent experience is over soon, because I am tired of spinning in circles, and don't have the space at the moment to be attracting the insane.
The Actors Nightmare
Oct 22nd
If you know an actor - any actor - ask them what their worst theatrical nightmare is. They will all tell you the same dream. They are on a stage, in front of an audience, performing a play they don't know and for which they have never rehearsed.
Yesterday, I lived this dream. It lasted from bedtime on Sunday til bedtime last night, when I finally gave up the day and buried myself under the covers. By bedtime, I felt that I had spent the day with Kafka.
My day was spent embroiled in drama's of other peoples making. These people were near strangers to me, yets somehow I got caught up in their lives. My mere existance (not presence - because I had never met these people before!) caused pain, tears, confusion - there were phone calls, text messages, emails expressing deep personal trauma's and fears.
I didn't know my lines. I improvised as best I could, but without an understanding of the themes and story lines, I was trapped in these bad plays that I had never rehearsed. I tried to direct the course of events, but had no notion as to the motivations behind the others actions, and not a clue as to the intended outcomes of the play. Besides, no one was listening to me as I desperately tried to give notes and rewrite what were some very bad scripts.
If I could explain to you how exactly this came to be, I would. But I still can't quite figure out what happened. A friend suggested that all my planets had gone retrograde.
I cannot understand how I got cast as a central figure in these several unrelated dramas. I am not that pretty - not nearly beautiful enough to be a leading lady. I am not young enough to be the ingenue. I am not plain enough to be the beautiful girls' best friend. I am not old enough to play the mother to adults, nor ugly enough to be the character actress. I am not even interesing nor mature enough to be the wise professional who comes in at the end and sets all to rights.
More to the point, I am NOT an actress. I am a DIRECTOR. It's my job to choose the play, audition the players, and to determine the course of events. I have no desire to be onstage in front of an audience. I am no longer nuerotic enough to be any good at it. I have no desire to star in any ones life but my own - and sometimes, not even that.
I left acting because the feeling of being in the actors nightmare was ever present for me, and the anxiety was so great that I would be sick before every performance. Besides, I am much better as a director than an actor. So - if you are seeking someone to star in a drama, please find someone else. If you like, I will even direct the play for you, as long as I don't have to appear on your stage. But - I'm a professional. Next time, you'll need to pay me.
If you know an actor - any actor - ask them what their worst theatrical nightmare is. They will all tell you the same dream. They are on a stage, in front of an audience, performing a play they don't know and for which they have never rehearsed.
Yesterday, I lived this dream. It lasted from bedtime on Sunday til bedtime last night, when I finally gave up the day and buried myself under the covers. By bedtime, I felt that I had spent the day with Kafka.
My day was spent embroiled in drama's of other peoples making. These people were near strangers to me, yets somehow I got caught up in their lives. My mere existance (not presence - because I had never met these people before!) caused pain, tears, confusion - there were phone calls, text messages, emails expressing deep personal trauma's and fears.
I didn't know my lines. I improvised as best I could, but without an understanding of the themes and story lines, I was trapped in these bad plays that I had never rehearsed. I tried to direct the course of events, but had no notion as to the motivations behind the others actions, and not a clue as to the intended outcomes of the play. Besides, no one was listening to me as I desperately tried to give notes and rewrite what were some very bad scripts.
If I could explain to you how exactly this came to be, I would. But I still can't quite figure out what happened. A friend suggested that all my planets had gone retrograde.
I cannot understand how I got cast as a central figure in these several unrelated dramas. I am not that pretty - not nearly beautiful enough to be a leading lady. I am not young enough to be the ingenue. I am not plain enough to be the beautiful girls' best friend. I am not old enough to play the mother to adults, nor ugly enough to be the character actress. I am not even interesing nor mature enough to be the wise professional who comes in at the end and sets all to rights.
More to the point, I am NOT an actress. I am a DIRECTOR. It's my job to choose the play, audition the players, and to determine the course of events. I have no desire to be onstage in front of an audience. I am no longer nuerotic enough to be any good at it. I have no desire to star in any ones life but my own - and sometimes, not even that.
I left acting because the feeling of being in the actors nightmare was ever present for me, and the anxiety was so great that I would be sick before every performance. Besides, I am much better as a director than an actor. So - if you are seeking someone to star in a drama, please find someone else. If you like, I will even direct the play for you, as long as I don't have to appear on your stage. But - I'm a professional. Next time, you'll need to pay me.
Dogs
October 22, 2007 - Monday
It is often said that our dogs reflect our personalities.
Once upon a time, I had a dog named Chewey. Chewbacca was a chow chow... beautiful, stubborn, regal, untamable - and willfully disobedient.
I loved that dog, and he me. He was strong, and fearless. Strangers could approach him, but he would ignore them - looking away. If someone approached quickly or aggressively - they literally risked their lives.
I identified with that dog. He was loyal to the few he loved, took care of us and of the other animals he felt were his responsibility. He was gentle with kids and puppies - but did not suffer fools nor adults gladly.
Chewey died 8 years ago. I still miss him. Now, I have a little lap dog, named elizabetta. Elizabetta is very sweet, though none to bright. She is so eager to please that she wets herself in pleasure if you say "Good Girl".
The least bit of attention, offered by anyone - causes her to have near orgasm. Her need for contact and attention is nearly desperate.... no matter how much she gets, it is never enough.
Some times, some days - I feel like I am becomming Elisabetta. That scares me. I would much rather be Chewbacca, who never let anyone touch him -
Maybe I should get a new dog.
It is often said that our dogs reflect our personalities.
Once upon a time, I had a dog named Chewey. Chewbacca was a chow chow... beautiful, stubborn, regal, untamable - and willfully disobedient.
I loved that dog, and he me. He was strong, and fearless. Strangers could approach him, but he would ignore them - looking away. If someone approached quickly or aggressively - they literally risked their lives.
I identified with that dog. He was loyal to the few he loved, took care of us and of the other animals he felt were his responsibility. He was gentle with kids and puppies - but did not suffer fools nor adults gladly.
Chewey died 8 years ago. I still miss him. Now, I have a little lap dog, named elizabetta. Elizabetta is very sweet, though none to bright. She is so eager to please that she wets herself in pleasure if you say "Good Girl".
The least bit of attention, offered by anyone - causes her to have near orgasm. Her need for contact and attention is nearly desperate.... no matter how much she gets, it is never enough.
Some times, some days - I feel like I am becomming Elisabetta. That scares me. I would much rather be Chewbacca, who never let anyone touch him -
Maybe I should get a new dog.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Persephone's Prayer
Dear God -
I am in the inbetween place now, and I don't like it very much.
I am between endings and new beginnings, between living and dying, between death and resurrection. This is a very uncomfortable place to be.
Other people like to fall asleep, and others to wake up in the morning. I hate and fear both - because each has that inbetween place, that gray area between awareness and unconsciousness. This is the place where my monsters and demons lie wating for me.... always in that place and in that moment. I don't like it here, in the gray, between the light and the dark, with my monsters. Its frightening.
I will awake, resurrect, live or die within your time, and not mine. The sun will rise or set, the moon will follow it's courses - and I am helpless before the powers of God and nature.
I am very brave, and I know I can wait out the monsters by being very still, and very quiet.
But - God - I just want you to know, I don't like it here.
I am in the inbetween place now, and I don't like it very much.
I am between endings and new beginnings, between living and dying, between death and resurrection. This is a very uncomfortable place to be.
Other people like to fall asleep, and others to wake up in the morning. I hate and fear both - because each has that inbetween place, that gray area between awareness and unconsciousness. This is the place where my monsters and demons lie wating for me.... always in that place and in that moment. I don't like it here, in the gray, between the light and the dark, with my monsters. Its frightening.
I will awake, resurrect, live or die within your time, and not mine. The sun will rise or set, the moon will follow it's courses - and I am helpless before the powers of God and nature.
I am very brave, and I know I can wait out the monsters by being very still, and very quiet.
But - God - I just want you to know, I don't like it here.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Dark Night of the Soul
Dark Night of the Soul
There is a liminal experience in most thinking peoples lives called a "Dark Night of the Soul' - a time when the self and soul leaves the path and wanders into a dark and frightening forest.
Who you thought you were, what you thought you were, all those things you believe and hold dear become inconsequential. Your intellect matters for nothing, and all your rationality cannot lead you back to the light. Ad as to your faith - well, you may be able to rigidly hold onto some sort of belief system, but this doesn't protect you either, because all those things you "believe" show themselves to be phantoms.
The dark night can be spawned by anything - and it can last for months, years, lifetimes. Mother Theresa, it is reported, spent her whole holy life in one long dark night of the soul.
We fall into this abyss for any number of reasons - though it seems frustrated love is often a catalyst. In my case, it certainly was. Yes, the dark night stands outside the broken heart, the limerant experience of "falling in love" or "losing love" or "wanting love" - these are human emotions - but the dark night is something far deeper and more profound, beyond simple emotions of love and loss. It is a matter of deep soul work, where the very essense of one's being seeks to make room to grow and become a more dominant force in one's life.
The dark night also differs from depression. Though the experience of sadness, hopelessness, despair is similiar, the dark night has a very different quality to it. You brood, you cry, you lose sleep and seek answers - yet there is a sense that this is happening on a more profound and mystical level. There is - in my case - a sense of 'coming together' in this great 'falling apart'.
Now, the trigger for my dark night is fading into the past. The man I thought I loved is not the man I thought I loved. Certainly my feelings and deep desire are changing into something akin to revulsion - a sad enough occurance by itself. However, this is not freeing me from this dark night, because the dark night is something far more primal.
Those peices of my soul and personality - my past selves who have been so desperately damaged by the withholding of love - piece by piece these 'selves' are being healed. Yet, this isnt quite enough to release me.
I am, however learning to love myself - on a more real and substantial level. I am embracing those things that I thought were ugly, unsophisticated, unlovable - and discovering that I was wrong all along - that I had been taught wrong, from people who sought to escape thier own dark nights by drowning themselves in drama and alchohol.
I would like to emerge from these woods now. I would like to wake up one morning with no more thoughts of my lost love, no more self obsessed brooding, none of this feeling of discomfort and dissatisfaction. I would like to be finished with these feelings of neediness and lonliness amd essential unhappiness.
But - apparently, this 'stuff' is necessary for my soul, and it is my soul, unformed and puer as it is, who is leading the show. My intellect, wisdom, personality cannot control this anymore than I can prevent my son from turning from a child into a boy. The only way to stop this growth is to attempt soul suicide - abd coming from a family of people who murdered thier own souls, I know both the price and the futility of such an attempt.
So - I wait. I listen to the inner workings. I brood and cry and attend to my life the best I can. I wait, trying - as best I can, with patience and love - surrendering to whatever comes up.
The next piece of work is discernement - the soulful and intellectual excersise of determining what is important to me, what my values truly are - what is it that I hold dear and believe deep in my spirit. My life is at its halfway mark, and how deeply and importantly I live is a matter of choice and clarity - my soul must do what my soul will do - but the choices I make now will either help or hinder it on its journey.
Though I am in a deep forest, a wet and subterranian place, I will light a lantern in the darkness, and step forward, step by step - and I will try to keep moving in spite of my fear of the dark, the unknown, or the beasts that lurk in the shadows. The only other choice is to sit in the dark cowering in fear. And of all the things I admire about myself my ability to be very brave is the one quality I am most proud of.
There is a liminal experience in most thinking peoples lives called a "Dark Night of the Soul' - a time when the self and soul leaves the path and wanders into a dark and frightening forest.
Who you thought you were, what you thought you were, all those things you believe and hold dear become inconsequential. Your intellect matters for nothing, and all your rationality cannot lead you back to the light. Ad as to your faith - well, you may be able to rigidly hold onto some sort of belief system, but this doesn't protect you either, because all those things you "believe" show themselves to be phantoms.
The dark night can be spawned by anything - and it can last for months, years, lifetimes. Mother Theresa, it is reported, spent her whole holy life in one long dark night of the soul.
We fall into this abyss for any number of reasons - though it seems frustrated love is often a catalyst. In my case, it certainly was. Yes, the dark night stands outside the broken heart, the limerant experience of "falling in love" or "losing love" or "wanting love" - these are human emotions - but the dark night is something far deeper and more profound, beyond simple emotions of love and loss. It is a matter of deep soul work, where the very essense of one's being seeks to make room to grow and become a more dominant force in one's life.
The dark night also differs from depression. Though the experience of sadness, hopelessness, despair is similiar, the dark night has a very different quality to it. You brood, you cry, you lose sleep and seek answers - yet there is a sense that this is happening on a more profound and mystical level. There is - in my case - a sense of 'coming together' in this great 'falling apart'.
Now, the trigger for my dark night is fading into the past. The man I thought I loved is not the man I thought I loved. Certainly my feelings and deep desire are changing into something akin to revulsion - a sad enough occurance by itself. However, this is not freeing me from this dark night, because the dark night is something far more primal.
Those peices of my soul and personality - my past selves who have been so desperately damaged by the withholding of love - piece by piece these 'selves' are being healed. Yet, this isnt quite enough to release me.
I am, however learning to love myself - on a more real and substantial level. I am embracing those things that I thought were ugly, unsophisticated, unlovable - and discovering that I was wrong all along - that I had been taught wrong, from people who sought to escape thier own dark nights by drowning themselves in drama and alchohol.
I would like to emerge from these woods now. I would like to wake up one morning with no more thoughts of my lost love, no more self obsessed brooding, none of this feeling of discomfort and dissatisfaction. I would like to be finished with these feelings of neediness and lonliness amd essential unhappiness.
But - apparently, this 'stuff' is necessary for my soul, and it is my soul, unformed and puer as it is, who is leading the show. My intellect, wisdom, personality cannot control this anymore than I can prevent my son from turning from a child into a boy. The only way to stop this growth is to attempt soul suicide - abd coming from a family of people who murdered thier own souls, I know both the price and the futility of such an attempt.
So - I wait. I listen to the inner workings. I brood and cry and attend to my life the best I can. I wait, trying - as best I can, with patience and love - surrendering to whatever comes up.
The next piece of work is discernement - the soulful and intellectual excersise of determining what is important to me, what my values truly are - what is it that I hold dear and believe deep in my spirit. My life is at its halfway mark, and how deeply and importantly I live is a matter of choice and clarity - my soul must do what my soul will do - but the choices I make now will either help or hinder it on its journey.
Though I am in a deep forest, a wet and subterranian place, I will light a lantern in the darkness, and step forward, step by step - and I will try to keep moving in spite of my fear of the dark, the unknown, or the beasts that lurk in the shadows. The only other choice is to sit in the dark cowering in fear. And of all the things I admire about myself my ability to be very brave is the one quality I am most proud of.
not stuck - but still sad
I have been processing Tuesdays conversation with Ale - to the point it feels like my brain will explode.
I wish I were like other people, and not so prone to empathize with the other persons position, because - well - in this case, my position is the only one that counts. I keep arguing with him in my head, in tones of anger, rage, compassion, reasonableness - and I feel like I am going in circles.
Right now, it isnt even quite so much a matter of letting go (ok, maybe it is) - as in trying to make sense of this all. Its not that I want him back - right now I am pretty disgusted by him. His puer charm ain't cutting it with me, and underneath that little boy charm, I saw a fairly unsavory man.
On the top level of this is - I left, because I wasnt getting what I needed. However, its been hard and we miss each other. So - his solution is to give me LESS of what I need, because that would make him happy.
You see, he had a pretty happy year with me - except for my pesky demands to share my bed with someone who loves me. So, if I drop that requirement, he can be even HAPPIER.
Now - I don't know about anyone else - but that is making my brain explode. I mean, if I really believed he was an evil manipulative rat bastard, it could make sense... but I don't think he is... or maybe he is, and I am just a clueless twit.
I'm so sorry for him. I'm so sorry for me. But - I spent my childhood, trying to get my mother to love me. I spent my marriage waiting for nick to wake up and love me. I spent the last year waiting for Ale to love me. Now - tragically - my Mother did love me, Nick did love me - and I am pretty sure ratboy loves me too. But it seems to be my particular karma that this knowledge always comes a little too late.
I think, maybe, that I will just stop waiting for people to love me. I think one thing this dark night is teaching me is that I really do love and cherish myself. I am a really amazing person, good at love, relationships, mothering and freindship. And, I honestly just am out of patience for other people who dont know if they want me or not. It seems to me to be a no brainer - so, if this is their stand on it - well we can assume they simply have no brains.
I wish I were like other people, and not so prone to empathize with the other persons position, because - well - in this case, my position is the only one that counts. I keep arguing with him in my head, in tones of anger, rage, compassion, reasonableness - and I feel like I am going in circles.
Right now, it isnt even quite so much a matter of letting go (ok, maybe it is) - as in trying to make sense of this all. Its not that I want him back - right now I am pretty disgusted by him. His puer charm ain't cutting it with me, and underneath that little boy charm, I saw a fairly unsavory man.
On the top level of this is - I left, because I wasnt getting what I needed. However, its been hard and we miss each other. So - his solution is to give me LESS of what I need, because that would make him happy.
You see, he had a pretty happy year with me - except for my pesky demands to share my bed with someone who loves me. So, if I drop that requirement, he can be even HAPPIER.
Now - I don't know about anyone else - but that is making my brain explode. I mean, if I really believed he was an evil manipulative rat bastard, it could make sense... but I don't think he is... or maybe he is, and I am just a clueless twit.
I'm so sorry for him. I'm so sorry for me. But - I spent my childhood, trying to get my mother to love me. I spent my marriage waiting for nick to wake up and love me. I spent the last year waiting for Ale to love me. Now - tragically - my Mother did love me, Nick did love me - and I am pretty sure ratboy loves me too. But it seems to be my particular karma that this knowledge always comes a little too late.
I think, maybe, that I will just stop waiting for people to love me. I think one thing this dark night is teaching me is that I really do love and cherish myself. I am a really amazing person, good at love, relationships, mothering and freindship. And, I honestly just am out of patience for other people who dont know if they want me or not. It seems to me to be a no brainer - so, if this is their stand on it - well we can assume they simply have no brains.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Reunion
Having given up on getting over Ale "my way" (or "his way" as the case may be...) I decided to face my fears head on, and see if I could go make friends with him.
I really should have stuck to my plan, and not had any relationship conversation with him, as it was a mistake. Those things that caused us to part are the same now as they ever were - and he is more "stuck" than he ever was.
To whit: I bailed on the relationship because I needed more than I was getting - I needed love, consistancy, and freindship.
So, we talked, we had a great time... and then I told him that I needed to open the door for friendship, because I dont love people and then lose them from my life.
He wants to be friends too - but he hasnt an idea of what that means.
However - let me spit out what I can spit out, because my head is all in a complete jumble right now:
He misses me. He wants me back in his life. He wants to be friends. In this, he is telling the truth.
Apparently, however, what this looks like is he calls me up for a beer and we hit the sheets. His words and his story line (and his physical and facial expressions) were all over the board. But - essentially he wants to fuck me and have no relationship with me.Now - of COURSE he would deny this is what he was saying. And honestly, I kind of doubt that is what he really wants....
But - what he is offering - as far as I can tell is this: he wants the milk for free, whenever he is thristy for such milk, and not only that, but he doesnt even want to purchase the hay to feed said cow.
I don't really know where he would get the notion that I am somehow desperate for fuck buddies, or that I don't already have a steady supply of very nice men to choose from, but he is, apparently, delusional.
Everytime I said - no... don't think so, he would try and sweeten the pot. When we had finally gotten to something that maybe I could live with, then he does this "take away" about how he doesnt want to marry me.
This seems to be his ditch to die in.
I tried to explain that this was beside the point, and not my current objective, but that he needs to drop the damn decision. As long as this decision is in play, there is no freedom in which to truely know each other. There is a closedness and a holdout, and that anytime we draw close to each other, that prefabricated decision will come into play, and he will pull back and run away, and then I will be hurt.
Sounds like a heck of a lot of fun to me.
Furthermore, there is a lot of presumption on his part that I consider him good enough or worthy enough to consider this as a possibilty. He isn't, by a long shot. However, I don't close the door that someday he might be the sort of person I would consider as a partner, nor do I reject the possibility that he might get a horrible disease, and I might be the last partner he ever has.
None of this is good enough for me, and right now, I think Ale is kind of a dirtbag. And that really disappoints me. Because I believe he is a better person than this. But, you know, I could be wrong. Maybe he really IS a big dirtbag, really is willing to take advantage of the love I bore him in exchange for a really exciting sex life, and really is willing to break my heart again in order to get what he thinks he wants.
As he put it, he was really happy in his relationship with me, but he wants to sleep around some more. He thought maybe I would be open minded enough to accept such an arrangement. He doesnt seem to understand that this arrangement could only work if I knew I was safe and loved.
The bitch of this all is that I know he cares for me. I guess turning me into an object would be a way to reduce the pain and confusion he feels surrounding his emotional life.
As for me, I am swinging between amusement, dissappointment, anger, outrage, sadness, and a sense of "oh my god, what were you thinking?". And an even larger sense of "Who the FUCK do you think I am, you stupid boy?"
So, we shall see. I am curious to see if he can bring anything better to this table than a bottle of beer and a roll in the sheets. Honestly, there are a few people I much prefer for that sort of activity, and they - unlike Ale - have the good sense to wear condoms and to not catch STD's.
Oh - and by the way, and this makes me really sad.... he doesnt make my knees weak anymore. I still like the way he smells, but he doesnt smell like mine. And the little feral girl inside who is so in love with him? She didn't like what she was hearing either, and did not even bother to come out and play.
Im sad. I love that boy, but right now he is a big stupid asshole, and I am really not so sure that I am even willing to have DINNER with him - much less consider him a candidate for a life long partnership.
Do I want to be his freind? Right now, I am not sure - because I dont really think he knows how to be this. I am willing, but - thier needs to be something in this for me, and I dont think that there is.
For about 3 minutes last night, I thought we were going to be able to get back together. That maybe we would get a do-over, and a chance at something really good and meaningful and loving. But he is offering nothing, and honestly - I have better things to do.
I really should have stuck to my plan, and not had any relationship conversation with him, as it was a mistake. Those things that caused us to part are the same now as they ever were - and he is more "stuck" than he ever was.
To whit: I bailed on the relationship because I needed more than I was getting - I needed love, consistancy, and freindship.
So, we talked, we had a great time... and then I told him that I needed to open the door for friendship, because I dont love people and then lose them from my life.
He wants to be friends too - but he hasnt an idea of what that means.
However - let me spit out what I can spit out, because my head is all in a complete jumble right now:
He misses me. He wants me back in his life. He wants to be friends. In this, he is telling the truth.
Apparently, however, what this looks like is he calls me up for a beer and we hit the sheets. His words and his story line (and his physical and facial expressions) were all over the board. But - essentially he wants to fuck me and have no relationship with me.Now - of COURSE he would deny this is what he was saying. And honestly, I kind of doubt that is what he really wants....
But - what he is offering - as far as I can tell is this: he wants the milk for free, whenever he is thristy for such milk, and not only that, but he doesnt even want to purchase the hay to feed said cow.
I don't really know where he would get the notion that I am somehow desperate for fuck buddies, or that I don't already have a steady supply of very nice men to choose from, but he is, apparently, delusional.
Everytime I said - no... don't think so, he would try and sweeten the pot. When we had finally gotten to something that maybe I could live with, then he does this "take away" about how he doesnt want to marry me.
This seems to be his ditch to die in.
I tried to explain that this was beside the point, and not my current objective, but that he needs to drop the damn decision. As long as this decision is in play, there is no freedom in which to truely know each other. There is a closedness and a holdout, and that anytime we draw close to each other, that prefabricated decision will come into play, and he will pull back and run away, and then I will be hurt.
Sounds like a heck of a lot of fun to me.
Furthermore, there is a lot of presumption on his part that I consider him good enough or worthy enough to consider this as a possibilty. He isn't, by a long shot. However, I don't close the door that someday he might be the sort of person I would consider as a partner, nor do I reject the possibility that he might get a horrible disease, and I might be the last partner he ever has.
None of this is good enough for me, and right now, I think Ale is kind of a dirtbag. And that really disappoints me. Because I believe he is a better person than this. But, you know, I could be wrong. Maybe he really IS a big dirtbag, really is willing to take advantage of the love I bore him in exchange for a really exciting sex life, and really is willing to break my heart again in order to get what he thinks he wants.
As he put it, he was really happy in his relationship with me, but he wants to sleep around some more. He thought maybe I would be open minded enough to accept such an arrangement. He doesnt seem to understand that this arrangement could only work if I knew I was safe and loved.
The bitch of this all is that I know he cares for me. I guess turning me into an object would be a way to reduce the pain and confusion he feels surrounding his emotional life.
As for me, I am swinging between amusement, dissappointment, anger, outrage, sadness, and a sense of "oh my god, what were you thinking?". And an even larger sense of "Who the FUCK do you think I am, you stupid boy?"
So, we shall see. I am curious to see if he can bring anything better to this table than a bottle of beer and a roll in the sheets. Honestly, there are a few people I much prefer for that sort of activity, and they - unlike Ale - have the good sense to wear condoms and to not catch STD's.
Oh - and by the way, and this makes me really sad.... he doesnt make my knees weak anymore. I still like the way he smells, but he doesnt smell like mine. And the little feral girl inside who is so in love with him? She didn't like what she was hearing either, and did not even bother to come out and play.
Im sad. I love that boy, but right now he is a big stupid asshole, and I am really not so sure that I am even willing to have DINNER with him - much less consider him a candidate for a life long partnership.
Do I want to be his freind? Right now, I am not sure - because I dont really think he knows how to be this. I am willing, but - thier needs to be something in this for me, and I dont think that there is.
For about 3 minutes last night, I thought we were going to be able to get back together. That maybe we would get a do-over, and a chance at something really good and meaningful and loving. But he is offering nothing, and honestly - I have better things to do.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Men and Women - Miscommunication
Men and Women - Miscommunication
By Dave Barry
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CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check theodometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
COMMUNICATIONS GAP
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their . . .
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so . . . "
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
A BEFUDDLED BEAU
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
IT'S ANALYSIS TIME
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
We're not talking about different wave lengths here. We're talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows:
Huh?
But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is:
1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation, such as:
-- "Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we have a relationship?"
-- "Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean."
-- "Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship!"
-- "Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship."
Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, "Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . . We have, ahhh . . . We . . . We have this thing."
And he will sincerely mean it.
The next relationship-enhancement tip is:
2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment.
By "hasty," I mean, "within your lifetime." Guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready.
"I'm sorry," guys are always telling women, "but I'm just not ready to make a commitment." Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.
By Dave Barry
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CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check theodometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
COMMUNICATIONS GAP
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their . . .
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so . . . "
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
A BEFUDDLED BEAU
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
IT'S ANALYSIS TIME
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
We're not talking about different wave lengths here. We're talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows:
Huh?
But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is:
1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation, such as:
-- "Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we have a relationship?"
-- "Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean."
-- "Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship!"
-- "Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship."
Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, "Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . . We have, ahhh . . . We . . . We have this thing."
And he will sincerely mean it.
The next relationship-enhancement tip is:
2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment.
By "hasty," I mean, "within your lifetime." Guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready.
"I'm sorry," guys are always telling women, "but I'm just not ready to make a commitment." Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.
Monday, October 15, 2007
A letter from Oonie
Shaun
I think you're going to be okay. And that I think it, I will just say it. You are going to be just fine...more than okay!
I'm very glad we talked and I'm very glad that you're going to be who and how you are, which is totally grand. And you will bring that and yourself to the phone and in person. And that's always a very good thing.
This all sounds very confusing to both of you in a number of different ways.
I'd say to remind yourself of the HUGE things: the mother thing and the planned trip that blew up when it didn't even have to--Your Man in the Duoma sounds as if he went to a whole lot of over the top when nothing of the sort was required. There are many biggies in this story: the stuff that was never said as well as the words actually spoken, some so hastily so as not to bother the other and both of you were doing what you thought the other might want as well as doing what both of you thought you SHOULD. As opposed to sorting it all out. I, too, hear his words but I don't see a consistency with other words and with behaviors.
But sometimes this is life.
It also sounds as if you both wanted to do two things, at the same time: be together and flee. Both of you sound oh, so careful of one another and yet not careful at all. I never said not caring.
I'm glad you're going to go over and introduce yourself tomorrow night. Don't panic and bolt if he has plans or simply can't tomorrow night. I think this is very important to remember. It would be for me. If he has plans or can't, give him every opportunity to return the call and the favor. And act as if you fully expect him to do it. And mean it. For then, he'll be reassured he can say yes and no at the very same time, which sounds as if that is exactly what he has been trying to do all along. Not a bad thing, this both and. Just confusing. To both of you.
Take back the night; take back the streets; take back the Duomo; take back Florence; and give the precious gift of who and how you are, perfect, as the Metaphorical Divine One created you.
Love
oonie and Kenny
I think you're going to be okay. And that I think it, I will just say it. You are going to be just fine...more than okay!
I'm very glad we talked and I'm very glad that you're going to be who and how you are, which is totally grand. And you will bring that and yourself to the phone and in person. And that's always a very good thing.
This all sounds very confusing to both of you in a number of different ways.
I'd say to remind yourself of the HUGE things: the mother thing and the planned trip that blew up when it didn't even have to--Your Man in the Duoma sounds as if he went to a whole lot of over the top when nothing of the sort was required. There are many biggies in this story: the stuff that was never said as well as the words actually spoken, some so hastily so as not to bother the other and both of you were doing what you thought the other might want as well as doing what both of you thought you SHOULD. As opposed to sorting it all out. I, too, hear his words but I don't see a consistency with other words and with behaviors.
But sometimes this is life.
It also sounds as if you both wanted to do two things, at the same time: be together and flee. Both of you sound oh, so careful of one another and yet not careful at all. I never said not caring.
I'm glad you're going to go over and introduce yourself tomorrow night. Don't panic and bolt if he has plans or simply can't tomorrow night. I think this is very important to remember. It would be for me. If he has plans or can't, give him every opportunity to return the call and the favor. And act as if you fully expect him to do it. And mean it. For then, he'll be reassured he can say yes and no at the very same time, which sounds as if that is exactly what he has been trying to do all along. Not a bad thing, this both and. Just confusing. To both of you.
Take back the night; take back the streets; take back the Duomo; take back Florence; and give the precious gift of who and how you are, perfect, as the Metaphorical Divine One created you.
Love
oonie and Kenny
Sunday, October 14, 2007
First Rehearsal
Yesterday was my first rehearsal for Peter and the Wolf. It was an unqualified success. It was not as if I had forgotten anything, and it is stunning that it has been more than 8 years since I have been in a rehearsal hall.
I felt home. I felt as if an very important part of my identity had been returned to me, that the one part of me that is totally grown up - totally knows what she is doing, and why - was finally present again.
And then, I finished all my meetings, came home, and cried. Because there was no one there who knew how important this is, how significant it is... and how very much of a victory it is. There is no witness who really cares... and - I cried. I want someone who shares my life with me, and there is no one.
Now - before I hear a rousing chorus of "But you have Spike" - of course, I appreciate that, and I am more than grateful for that... but it is different. My baby is a baby, and children are like dogs. They love you no matter what, and having that sort of divine love is wonderful, but... it is not the same.
I did not know that broken hearts and disappointments in love could go on for quite so long. I never thought that I would mourn Ale, I really didn't. He is still heavy on my mind - and I am really not entirely sure why.
I had a dream that maybe we would come to share a life and a future. I dont know why I dreamed that. I don't know what prevented it. I don't know what I did wrong, and I do not know why he didnt believe he loved me.
I mean, I know several areas where I blew it... where I simply failed to assert myself, or be myself, and its no wonder he got bored...
But, I dont know why I dreamed a future. I just kind of saw it in my head, somewhere in the distance. I never ever know when this kind of stuff is clairvoyance, or where it is wishful thinking. If its clairvoyance, then I should try and change this. If it is wishful thinking, I am simply a fool.
But, I want someone who is crazy for me... and sometimes, he adored me. But, he wasnt sure, so he would pull away... and it mixed me up so bad. To have someone obviously adoring me, and then running away.
My friend Kenny says I should go change this if I can. I rehearse the scenario in my head, and I know I can probably bring him closer... but I don't know to what end. He was happy with me, and would leave and be scared of it all, doubtful of me, doubtful of a future, not ready to share his life in the way I see a marriage to be.
There has got to be someone out there for me who will love me like I will love them, who can see a shared future, a shared vision.
Its one thing I miss about my marriage... Nick "got" me, in a fundamental way. He encouraged and pushed me - and we looked out together. But he didnt love me either.
It is not, as some people seem to think, that I feel like I do not "deserve" love. It is not even, as I often tell myself, that "no one loves me" - because there are several people who do, and a few of them who would probably marry me tomorrow.
Its just that none of them are right, and the ones I love never seem to love me back, and the lonliness I have - particularly in the face of my successes, is overwhelming to me.
I wish that I could have went out with Ale - and told him how wonderful it was, and how I felt, and how successful this was, and how happy I was. But, he wasnt there, and I couldnt tell him. I think he actually would have understood....
But - I think maybe it was also this percieved successfullness (his perception of my competence) - that made him decide against me. "You dont want me, you want someone taller, more successful, more dominant, more adult than I am"
No - I wanted him. And I lost. And I still dont really understand why.
I felt home. I felt as if an very important part of my identity had been returned to me, that the one part of me that is totally grown up - totally knows what she is doing, and why - was finally present again.
And then, I finished all my meetings, came home, and cried. Because there was no one there who knew how important this is, how significant it is... and how very much of a victory it is. There is no witness who really cares... and - I cried. I want someone who shares my life with me, and there is no one.
Now - before I hear a rousing chorus of "But you have Spike" - of course, I appreciate that, and I am more than grateful for that... but it is different. My baby is a baby, and children are like dogs. They love you no matter what, and having that sort of divine love is wonderful, but... it is not the same.
I did not know that broken hearts and disappointments in love could go on for quite so long. I never thought that I would mourn Ale, I really didn't. He is still heavy on my mind - and I am really not entirely sure why.
I had a dream that maybe we would come to share a life and a future. I dont know why I dreamed that. I don't know what prevented it. I don't know what I did wrong, and I do not know why he didnt believe he loved me.
I mean, I know several areas where I blew it... where I simply failed to assert myself, or be myself, and its no wonder he got bored...
But, I dont know why I dreamed a future. I just kind of saw it in my head, somewhere in the distance. I never ever know when this kind of stuff is clairvoyance, or where it is wishful thinking. If its clairvoyance, then I should try and change this. If it is wishful thinking, I am simply a fool.
But, I want someone who is crazy for me... and sometimes, he adored me. But, he wasnt sure, so he would pull away... and it mixed me up so bad. To have someone obviously adoring me, and then running away.
My friend Kenny says I should go change this if I can. I rehearse the scenario in my head, and I know I can probably bring him closer... but I don't know to what end. He was happy with me, and would leave and be scared of it all, doubtful of me, doubtful of a future, not ready to share his life in the way I see a marriage to be.
There has got to be someone out there for me who will love me like I will love them, who can see a shared future, a shared vision.
Its one thing I miss about my marriage... Nick "got" me, in a fundamental way. He encouraged and pushed me - and we looked out together. But he didnt love me either.
It is not, as some people seem to think, that I feel like I do not "deserve" love. It is not even, as I often tell myself, that "no one loves me" - because there are several people who do, and a few of them who would probably marry me tomorrow.
Its just that none of them are right, and the ones I love never seem to love me back, and the lonliness I have - particularly in the face of my successes, is overwhelming to me.
I wish that I could have went out with Ale - and told him how wonderful it was, and how I felt, and how successful this was, and how happy I was. But, he wasnt there, and I couldnt tell him. I think he actually would have understood....
But - I think maybe it was also this percieved successfullness (his perception of my competence) - that made him decide against me. "You dont want me, you want someone taller, more successful, more dominant, more adult than I am"
No - I wanted him. And I lost. And I still dont really understand why.
Monday, October 08, 2007
wounds that won't hea
I feel as if I have been sliced open, and the wound I have is simply not healing. It has become infected, hot, poisonous - despite the best medical care I can give myself.
I want to go home. But I dont have one.
I was only dating Ale, and only for a year. I wasnt happy most of that year, knowing that it was going to end this way. So why did it send me to this place? This much grief is inappropriate. It is no proof of love to wish to stop living now. My world wasnt so much better with him in it that I would prefer to not wake up in the morning than to live without him.... its simply absurd.
So, what is going on here. Whose voice is this in my ear claiming I want to be dead now? Who is this person who wakes, and begins to cry each day?
How on earth did my soul become so sick? For that is what this is... I am not simply heartbroken, I am soul sick.... and I am so ashamed and embarrassed. My stomach clenches in terror the moment before I open my eyes each morning, because it is one more joyless day in a lifetime of joyless days - days where I will do my duty, love as well as I can, do the things I must do to nurture my son and be a perfect mother....
And another day where I am all alone in a very hostile world where I dont belong and no longer want to be.
I want to go home. But I dont have one.
I was only dating Ale, and only for a year. I wasnt happy most of that year, knowing that it was going to end this way. So why did it send me to this place? This much grief is inappropriate. It is no proof of love to wish to stop living now. My world wasnt so much better with him in it that I would prefer to not wake up in the morning than to live without him.... its simply absurd.
So, what is going on here. Whose voice is this in my ear claiming I want to be dead now? Who is this person who wakes, and begins to cry each day?
How on earth did my soul become so sick? For that is what this is... I am not simply heartbroken, I am soul sick.... and I am so ashamed and embarrassed. My stomach clenches in terror the moment before I open my eyes each morning, because it is one more joyless day in a lifetime of joyless days - days where I will do my duty, love as well as I can, do the things I must do to nurture my son and be a perfect mother....
And another day where I am all alone in a very hostile world where I dont belong and no longer want to be.
I am so done
Today began with a fight with Spike. Then I rememembered that I forgot Lisandro's birthday. Rhoberta is sick and undergoing chemo. My dishes need washing. I didn't sleep last night. I may or may not have an appointment this morning, but I cant remember. I need to see my commercialista, I havent paid any bills this month, and I don't know how to pay my taxes. I have a hundred phone calls to make, but I have become afraid of the phone.
And, Im done. I'm tired. I am not particularly happy to be alive, and I really want to get off now. The only thing keeping me from spinning into self destruction is my overwhelming sense of responsibility, and the love I have for my son. He is my life preserver right now, because as I see it, he is the only reason for me to be alive.
I am egocentric and narcissistic. I am self obsessed and self absorbed, and I live in this world of fantasy that doesnt exist. I pretend to be smart and together, and I think that if anyone really saw how broken I am the shame itself would allow me to vanish.
Last nights dreams were full of masochistic fantasy, where I did what I was told and in return I remained a child. Being a child would be nice, I think. I can't say, as I don't recall ever being in a state of innocence - only in a state of make believe.
So, today, again.... another day of putting one foot in front of the other. Meeting my obligations to the best of my ability. Pretending to be productive. Living a life that holds nothing for me except one person whose love I am certain of.
It is not that I wish I were dead, per se. It is that I wish I were living someone else's life, because I am not very happy with my own, and I do not see my own changing. My life is a combination of my choices, my background, and fate - and nothing I do or dont do will make much difference either way.
It is just that I need to adjust - this is it. This is all there is, there aint no more - I give up. I just give up.
And, Im done. I'm tired. I am not particularly happy to be alive, and I really want to get off now. The only thing keeping me from spinning into self destruction is my overwhelming sense of responsibility, and the love I have for my son. He is my life preserver right now, because as I see it, he is the only reason for me to be alive.
I am egocentric and narcissistic. I am self obsessed and self absorbed, and I live in this world of fantasy that doesnt exist. I pretend to be smart and together, and I think that if anyone really saw how broken I am the shame itself would allow me to vanish.
Last nights dreams were full of masochistic fantasy, where I did what I was told and in return I remained a child. Being a child would be nice, I think. I can't say, as I don't recall ever being in a state of innocence - only in a state of make believe.
So, today, again.... another day of putting one foot in front of the other. Meeting my obligations to the best of my ability. Pretending to be productive. Living a life that holds nothing for me except one person whose love I am certain of.
It is not that I wish I were dead, per se. It is that I wish I were living someone else's life, because I am not very happy with my own, and I do not see my own changing. My life is a combination of my choices, my background, and fate - and nothing I do or dont do will make much difference either way.
It is just that I need to adjust - this is it. This is all there is, there aint no more - I give up. I just give up.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
the letter I'm not sending
I've been thinking of you all day, but... well, the truth is that I have nothing to say to you. I am still so confused whenever I think about you - when ever I think of this entire past year with you. My mind just "jumbles up" and I get all tangled.
I love you... or I think I did. I saw in you an essential sweetness and kindness, an innocence that touched me so deeply. And your soulfullness... Ale your soul was so lovely, and - you didnt even believe you had one.
Some part of me trusted you with all of her heart. Now, the rest of me, I suppose, knew better. But, I tried my best to win you over. And you just wouldnt come.
Now, the confusing part of this is that, well - some part of you DID love me. I sounds stupid to say it - and arrogant - and maybe even its totally delusional. But I felt it in the way you touched me, how easily your body came to mine in a single rythm. The way, a while ago, your face would light up when you saw me.
Yeah... I saw the other signals you were giving me... but I also saw how relaxed you could become just being in my presence. All those times when your guard was down, and you werent thinking about our future... and you were just with me.
I feel I lost a brother, I lost a twin star, and there is nothing that is going to change that. Its over, its too late, what has been done cannot be undone. But fuck, it hurts.
I have, of course, been moving on. I am seeing a couple of people, both VERY nice... both love kids, and dogs. They are very nice, very good men. Maybe something will work out with one of them, maybe it won't - but it would be so much easier if you weren't always on my mind. I cry after making love. I cry when another man makes me come, becaue I dont WANT to have to be moving on. And I hate that I can come with someone else. And I hate that I am doing it from across the room - no longer able to remain in my own body.
I miss you. I wish, so much, that this had all come out different. I wish, so much, that I had played all the silly girl games to make you crazy, to make you chase me... I wish I had pretended to barely acknowledge your exhistance - the things that would have made you believe you were in love. But -- I think I wanted to be loved for me, with my baggage, on my own terms.
I wish you had been him. I wished you had been "the one". I'm tired of looking.... but I am glad I didnt 'settle' for you, because the longer I've been apart from you - the more I realize what I had to give up to be with you.
I shouldnt have done that. I should have stayed true to myself. I loved you boy, but looking back... Im not sure you were worth it at all.
Go with God
I love you... or I think I did. I saw in you an essential sweetness and kindness, an innocence that touched me so deeply. And your soulfullness... Ale your soul was so lovely, and - you didnt even believe you had one.
Some part of me trusted you with all of her heart. Now, the rest of me, I suppose, knew better. But, I tried my best to win you over. And you just wouldnt come.
Now, the confusing part of this is that, well - some part of you DID love me. I sounds stupid to say it - and arrogant - and maybe even its totally delusional. But I felt it in the way you touched me, how easily your body came to mine in a single rythm. The way, a while ago, your face would light up when you saw me.
Yeah... I saw the other signals you were giving me... but I also saw how relaxed you could become just being in my presence. All those times when your guard was down, and you werent thinking about our future... and you were just with me.
I feel I lost a brother, I lost a twin star, and there is nothing that is going to change that. Its over, its too late, what has been done cannot be undone. But fuck, it hurts.
I have, of course, been moving on. I am seeing a couple of people, both VERY nice... both love kids, and dogs. They are very nice, very good men. Maybe something will work out with one of them, maybe it won't - but it would be so much easier if you weren't always on my mind. I cry after making love. I cry when another man makes me come, becaue I dont WANT to have to be moving on. And I hate that I can come with someone else. And I hate that I am doing it from across the room - no longer able to remain in my own body.
I miss you. I wish, so much, that this had all come out different. I wish, so much, that I had played all the silly girl games to make you crazy, to make you chase me... I wish I had pretended to barely acknowledge your exhistance - the things that would have made you believe you were in love. But -- I think I wanted to be loved for me, with my baggage, on my own terms.
I wish you had been him. I wished you had been "the one". I'm tired of looking.... but I am glad I didnt 'settle' for you, because the longer I've been apart from you - the more I realize what I had to give up to be with you.
I shouldnt have done that. I should have stayed true to myself. I loved you boy, but looking back... Im not sure you were worth it at all.
Go with God
sex as a drug
Last night, I spent the evening with Sean. He is lovely, and handsome and gentile.
We ended up in bed fooling around. And it was nice, and I came.
But - there is no love there. There is no love in any of these encounters.
I am using sex like a drug... as a way to escape my pain and fear and longing and insecurity.
Sex for me is sacramental, and I feel as if I have taken the wine from the altar, and am desecrating it.
I need to think about this.
We ended up in bed fooling around. And it was nice, and I came.
But - there is no love there. There is no love in any of these encounters.
I am using sex like a drug... as a way to escape my pain and fear and longing and insecurity.
Sex for me is sacramental, and I feel as if I have taken the wine from the altar, and am desecrating it.
I need to think about this.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Angels and Others
I am still sad, heartbroken, scared that I will always be alone - and more tired than I could ever express to anyone. I am still not in a big hopeful place, where the future looks all bright and shiney.... and I really miss how Ale made me feel, and I mourn the loss of someone who I really think was a brother / twin star.
But - God is good, and throws angels in our paths.
I met a boy named Massi a week or two ago. Now, as to partner material? No. Not even on the table. I don't have anything against crazy artists, mind you - but they can't really afford me. He is, by his own admission, another Peter Pan (at least THIS Peter Pan has a reason; artistic genius.) Over the long term, I need a partner, not a child. But - I have a feeling that he and I are really meant to be friends.
In any case, he is in the same stuck place I am - left by a girl he loved - and still in love with her ghost. Whats GREAT about this is that we are in something together, and neither of us is in a mind to lie about it, and we are reacting to things around each other in a similiar fashion.
For example, we had this really fun time together. The next days, we were both upset and depressed about it... for me it felt like faithlessness (if I had really loved him - how could we have had so much fun together....)
So - I have a new friend, and a new lover, and I think he will be my friend for a while... and honestly, I do not need nor want a new "big love" right now. But I do need a friend, and I do need a lover who isnt going to get hurt.
One of the things that I have been learning already through this encounter is how much of myself I sold off to be with Ale. Those of you who know me well know that I am a big FREAK. I mean this in the best possible sense, but it is something that shocks the conventional.
Now, whatever it was that created the sex monster I am - it is a primary part of me. I love sex, I love it dirty, I love nasty fantasies and I lack any inhibition around it - and I've been this way for as long as I can remember. It was one of the things Nick treasured about me. Now, with this new boy - well, he thinks its really COOL that I am so "strange". Its fun for him, and we construct these long fantasies together, and who I am sexually is not only OK with him, but something he thinks is wonderful!
With Ale I hid a lot. There is no way I ever would have risked revealing the girl behind the mask - the crazy little gay boy whore who takes up residence in my psyche. With Ale, I was so busy being the perfect girl, that I left the really really bad girl behind. I edited myself, removing what I thought would be unacceptable. Now - frankly, this really BAD girl is something that someone who loves me should rejoice in! She's FUN. She is part of my essence, way down at the soul level.
And you know - its the same with the fact I'm a Mom. Being a mother is something that has given me so many gifts... patience, and a sense of responsibility... and kids are - well - the best things since sliced bread. Massi and Spike have a lot in common - they are totally into Gormiti and Pokemon, and have these long conversations about it.....
My BOY is the most incredible person. Some kids are just no fun... but mine is, and it an exquisite human, and Ale shut him out. I let that go on, and honestly - shame on me. Love me, love my boy. Don't love my boy? Well you are an idiot, and really need to fuck off.
So - I think God sent me an angel, because the more I spend time with this new friend, the more Ale is becomming de-mythologized. I still believe that he loved me, or at least his soul did. I believe his soul will suffer the loss of me. But - I am finally coming to the very deep belief that Ale really wasn't good enough for me (and not the other way around....)
Thank you Massi! I am so glad you are my friend!
But - God is good, and throws angels in our paths.
I met a boy named Massi a week or two ago. Now, as to partner material? No. Not even on the table. I don't have anything against crazy artists, mind you - but they can't really afford me. He is, by his own admission, another Peter Pan (at least THIS Peter Pan has a reason; artistic genius.) Over the long term, I need a partner, not a child. But - I have a feeling that he and I are really meant to be friends.
In any case, he is in the same stuck place I am - left by a girl he loved - and still in love with her ghost. Whats GREAT about this is that we are in something together, and neither of us is in a mind to lie about it, and we are reacting to things around each other in a similiar fashion.
For example, we had this really fun time together. The next days, we were both upset and depressed about it... for me it felt like faithlessness (if I had really loved him - how could we have had so much fun together....)
So - I have a new friend, and a new lover, and I think he will be my friend for a while... and honestly, I do not need nor want a new "big love" right now. But I do need a friend, and I do need a lover who isnt going to get hurt.
One of the things that I have been learning already through this encounter is how much of myself I sold off to be with Ale. Those of you who know me well know that I am a big FREAK. I mean this in the best possible sense, but it is something that shocks the conventional.
Now, whatever it was that created the sex monster I am - it is a primary part of me. I love sex, I love it dirty, I love nasty fantasies and I lack any inhibition around it - and I've been this way for as long as I can remember. It was one of the things Nick treasured about me. Now, with this new boy - well, he thinks its really COOL that I am so "strange". Its fun for him, and we construct these long fantasies together, and who I am sexually is not only OK with him, but something he thinks is wonderful!
With Ale I hid a lot. There is no way I ever would have risked revealing the girl behind the mask - the crazy little gay boy whore who takes up residence in my psyche. With Ale, I was so busy being the perfect girl, that I left the really really bad girl behind. I edited myself, removing what I thought would be unacceptable. Now - frankly, this really BAD girl is something that someone who loves me should rejoice in! She's FUN. She is part of my essence, way down at the soul level.
And you know - its the same with the fact I'm a Mom. Being a mother is something that has given me so many gifts... patience, and a sense of responsibility... and kids are - well - the best things since sliced bread. Massi and Spike have a lot in common - they are totally into Gormiti and Pokemon, and have these long conversations about it.....
My BOY is the most incredible person. Some kids are just no fun... but mine is, and it an exquisite human, and Ale shut him out. I let that go on, and honestly - shame on me. Love me, love my boy. Don't love my boy? Well you are an idiot, and really need to fuck off.
So - I think God sent me an angel, because the more I spend time with this new friend, the more Ale is becomming de-mythologized. I still believe that he loved me, or at least his soul did. I believe his soul will suffer the loss of me. But - I am finally coming to the very deep belief that Ale really wasn't good enough for me (and not the other way around....)
Thank you Massi! I am so glad you are my friend!
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Anniversary 2
Oh god. I am so lost. I loved that boy with al my heart and all my soul, and he is gone, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I couldnt move it, I couldnt change it -
And I wonder what must be wrong with me... with my bad choices, fucked up decidisons, fate, the universe, everything.
Why did I stay? What was I doing? I thought he loved me, I saw it in his eyes, but he left, and I think that this is just how life is always going to be for me.
I have no more insight. I am out of wisdom. There is nothing left to grow with here. I cannot make any more sense out of this than I already have.
I couldnt move it, I couldnt change it -
And I wonder what must be wrong with me... with my bad choices, fucked up decidisons, fate, the universe, everything.
Why did I stay? What was I doing? I thought he loved me, I saw it in his eyes, but he left, and I think that this is just how life is always going to be for me.
I have no more insight. I am out of wisdom. There is nothing left to grow with here. I cannot make any more sense out of this than I already have.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Beneath Despair
"He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our despair, against our own will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God."
Aeschylus
These day, some days are hard. Some a little bit harder. My experience right now is like looking out into a vast void, of being on a starship, staring into a space that I cannot comprhend. Being agoraphobic by nature, the seemin vastness or this emptiness is terrifying.
I feel that somewhere along the way, a faustian bargain was made by me or on my behalf; you will have many loves. You will knows scores of men, all decent and kind - you will love and be loved in return.... BUT
You will always be alone. In exchange for these riches, you will never have the experience of a truely deep lasting love - you will meet your soulmates, but they will fly away. You will meet freinds along the path, but they will not stay. There will be men who want to keep you - but they will not be the right ones. Those you want will not want you. There will be an abundance of sweets, but nothing of substance, nothing that will sustain you. In this you will be always on your own.
I am still desperately trying to sort out what happened with Ale. My head is still reeling - I am not a stupid woman, yet I stayed. He voiced all his fears, (even though his actions often countered them) - I KNEW he wouldn't stay. So why did I try and change it, why did I waste my time?
Well.... because he touched my soul. I KNEW him. My spirit knew his spirit and rejoiced in his presence, while the rest of me writhed in agony, knowing all along what the future held. I remain convinced that his spirit knew me as well, but he gives no credence to things such as spirit and soul.... the world of imagination and what it actually means is lost to him in his adolescent struggle.
But, now, I am so sad. I am back at the beginning again.... I am seeing some very nice men, all lovely. And not one of them, I think, is "the one" - unless I were to just give up and settle for someone lovely who will love me and be my friend....
But I don't want that. I want someone who touches my soul, who brings out the best part of me. Ale did that.... even though most of the time he was hurting me. He was a brother to me.... a twin star, an anima gemelli. And though there were moments where this occured to him, for him it was of no significance. Or of not enough significance that he connected the dots.
It could be that he is so rejecting of the child inside of him that the thing I loved the most in him is the thing he is most rejecting of in his own life. And because this was the level we connected on, it was simply no good.
Or maybe he just didnt think of it at all, and stayed with me because he liked me well enough and the sex was nice. Lord knows, for all his talk, he never tried. Maybe I am just not all that lovable.
I finally had sex, with a really really nice man - another Peter Pan - who, after about 5 minutes I had already sized up as FWB material. Someone who I wouldn't hurt, and who wouldn't hurt me. The sex was nice, it was hot, it was the way I wanted it.... and my body so desperately needed it.
But, it didn't touch my soul. I didn't stay in my body. I left while my physical needs were attended to, and my soul sat in the corner, watching on and wanting someone else. I was left physically satisfied, and emotionally bereft. I want to reclaim my body as my own again, but my spirit seems to have other ideas.
My body needs sex like it needs food and water.... it is not and never has been a moral issue with me before. Yes, I would rather be in love, but celibacy is simply bad for me... but right now, sex seems bad for me as well. It could be that I simply need physical affection, but I don't know how to accept it outside of a sexual context. I see nothing wrong with having fuck buddies, but perhaps I am simply too fragile to do this right now. Maybe I am trying to use sex as a drug, and now I am hungover. Maybe I am trying to use my body to simply forget, but its not working.
I am just so lost right now, and so on the knife edge. I am sad. I am grieving. I am underneath despair, and I think I shall always be alone.