Tears in the early morning darkness

Someday, maybe, when I grow up, I will learn to control my thoughts without simply shutting down my feelings.

This morning before daybreak, I woke. Dog, cat, whatever. I looked up, and it was dark. And then the dark thoughts came, the recording of the last conversation...

And as I listened to Ale again, I began to feel stupid. I mean, really stupid. "I only saw you twice a week... I held you away... you should have known".... and I began to cry. I felt ashamed, and stupid, and ridiculous. How COULD I have let this happen... how could I have allowed myself to be treated in such a way.

I mean, Ale... were you really using me? How is it that I was apparently so mistaken? Your face would light up when you saw me, once upon a time. You would come up behind me, and embrace me.... and tell me how "comfortable" it was.... and I would see you rejoice in it....

And now, you justify the whole affair, by telling me that I should have known better.

And now, I think of you, and I cry. I cry a lot.

You mother fucker.... I asked your permission each step of the way. I told you I was falling in love. I TOLD you I was getting attached. I told you I was scared. You told me it would be okay, that I was safe... and now, you have left a 7 year old child to pick up the pieces, to be there in the early morning light, to wrap his arms around me and say "Shhh.... Mama, I'm here, its ok, I love you... shhh"

I hate you. My love is turning to hate, because it is the only thing I can think of to do.... and while I am good at love, I am really really bad at hate. All I want to do now is erase you, turn back the tape, and wish you out of existance.