a year of limerance

Its been 40 days since I last saw him. It has been 12 days since I last heard from him. Its been 20 days since I heard his voice. I've stopped counting in minutes and hours, but the days are still hard to get through.

I miss him so much. I miss Saturday nights. I miss making dinner together. I miss the long talks, I miss the dinners... I miss him in my bed (more than anything, I miss that). I miss his smile, and his basic gentleness. I loved that boy - so very much.

I wish there had been something really wrong. I wish that I had lost my passion for him, had gotten bored. I wish we had fought, or had conflicts, or something. I honestly don't know what when wrong. Because there was nothing "wrong" specifically, the ending just felt so violent. Someone important was just ripped from my life, and I am still bleeding.

But still, I need to remember that I just wasnt happy most of this past year. He wouldnt let me in - he wouldnt be my friend. He refused to allow himself to get close, and whenever he felt "closer" he pulled away. I wasn't "it", I wasn't the one he has in his mind, and he did not want to love me. (This is where I start to cry, because I dont understand - you get along, you like each other immensely, you cant get enough of each others bodies, you enjoy spending time together... so .... why? I don't get it....)

I wonder if I hadnt cared quite so much, if I had been different, if I had been less transparent and obvious, more disciplined, if it would have come out different. I wonder if I hadnt loved him if he would have loved me. If I had been always just out of reach, would the tables have been turned? I wonder how one learns to get ones heart off ones sleeve.

I had so many hidden objectives here... things I hid even from myself. I said I didn't want more... but that was a lie. When he said his ideal relationship would involve seperate apartments my heart dropped (though, to be honest, for me for a while this would be ideal too...) I dreamed that we would have a future together, even though he was always clear that this wouldnt happen. Its just that it was so good when we were together, I wanted that all the time. I wanted to fall asleep with him more, and wake up with him every day. I wanted to make more dinners with him, and see more movies, and go for more moto rides. I didnt want it to end, and I alwys knew it would - and because of this, I was always nervous and anxious, and unhappy.

You see... it was ALMOST perfect.....

Except; He doesnt know what he wants to do with his life. He doesnt love kids. He doesn't get up in the mornings. He thinks soccer is important. He has no spiritual base. He doesnt read books. His parents never told him how proud they were of him. And, he didnt want to love me.

I don\t know how to let go of this almost perfect dream. My soul screams for him, because on that level, we really were so well matched. But on the mundane, day to day level, I don't know, because he refused to even try it. He crashed his motorcycle into a chain rather than try it. (That is the moment that I knew it was over.... I can't let someone I love hurt themselves out of that kind of fear....)

So, I try and unwrap these tendrals from my heart, gently... piece by piece.

I wanted to end this with love... but I have to end it all alone - I have to lt go all alone (never fucking again will I allow THIS to happen) - and somehow, I know that I have to walk away and let love remain, or I will be inauthentic, and I will dishonor myself.

And still, I wonder... if he had loved me back, if he even knew how much I loved him - would anything have changed? It never had a chance, he made up his mind early on, but still - and maybe always - all these what ifs are futile.

I want him back. I want it different. I miss him.