an object in motion

I was flying through space, in the blackness of the void, my own light and the swirling dust surrounding me being the only illumination.... and then I met my twin star, and I was pulled into his orbit... I circled him for 379 days... spinning around and around... Gravity keeping us together, velocity keeping us apart.

Frustrated at never making contact, exhausted from the dance, I pulled away... using every ounce of my energy... to escape an orbit that I did not want to leave, leaving some particles behind, taking some of his along with me.

And now, I am hurtling back into space... spinning away, my trajectory changed forever by the force of our gravitational pull.

And my twin star remains, behind me... alone, confused, lonely, and at rest. With only some space dust to remember me by.

And an object in motion remains in motion, and there is no way back

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Ale came over yesterday to bring back my things. Because I thought it would be today, I looked like hell. Extra ironic, being that he was so flipped about my age that I actually spent money on having needles shoved in my face... and I look fabulous. However, there would have been no way to see how great I look, and how much wieght Ive lost, being that I was smeared in last nights mascara, with sweaty greasy hair - dirty blue jeans, and a sweaty nasty tshirt.

Actually - I love lifes little jokes.

So, he wanted to talk.

He looked like hell. He has been sick since the break up six weeks ago (its not related of course... just caught a long cold, I suppose)

He feels he made the right decision (to stay broken up) - though he is currently miserable. He was feeling bored, and that we had played it out alll the way.

He told me that leaving me was hard, and that he was confused, and unhappy... and that he needs to grow up, but he doesnt know how.

He tried to justify his ambivalent behavior, citing the fact that we only saw each other 2 days a week - so I should have known. I told him I did... but reminded him that every time I complained, every time I tried to leave, he told me to please stay... it wasnt me, it was the thesis.... etc.

I reminded him that I waited for the thesis to be finished, as I promised. Then I left.

He told me that he "really tried".... I asked him how that could be, if he spent a year, pushing me away.

He said he was confused.

I asked him why he looked so sad. He said he wasnt, just sad because I was.

Finally, I told him that I don't believe he intended to hurt me.... so... what exactly was his positive intention in all this. THEN he dropped the bomb...

"I wanted to find some way that you and I and Spike could be a family"

Oh. My. God.

In all this year of ambivalence, of never knowing where I stood, of trying to be cool when I was being held at arms length, of being patient, because as slow as progress was, there was progress... he never ever once said this to me, he never ever stated that this was serious (until the end, when he began to run in earnest....) - he never once behaved in any way that would lead me to believe that his intention was in any way serious.....

And I told him... if ever once you had said this, it would have been so different. I would have relaxed. I would have been completely honest. I would not have felt I was losing you, so I never would have held on so tight that you felt the need to push me away..... I wouldnt have spent a year in love, feeling lonely.... because we had a common goal... and I never knew it.

He loved me. And he didnt know it.... and now he is suffering, and I am actually moving on.

This is all so sad, and has been all so unnecessary.... and all because he had a hidden agenda, and didnt tell me... because he wasnt certain.

I must say though, it was nice... to see him so unhappy, so confused, and to see that I havent been alone in hurting, and to see that I am actually handling this far better than he is.... and that I am actually far closer to being able to move on than he is.

Wow. It takes my breath away.