I felt a bit better yesterday, after having gotten some concrete if confusing conversation with Ale (is it like an addict getting a hit of a drug?) - and I was fine in therapy today...
But as the day wore on, and the absolute hopelessness and confusion of this conversation began to sink in... I began to feel worse and worse, and more and more tired. And I've spent another day crying...
About this dead relationship, about the confusion, and about the "almost" nature of it all. I want a do over. I want my last year back. I want better choices, different choices. I want a home and a family and a happily ever after....
This hurts. It hurts so much.
I'm lazy... I'm tired of growing. I'm glad I have the capacity to grow, to find treasure in the pain and shit of everyday existance... but, you know? I'm tired now. It feels like just too much. I don't need so much treasure.
I know I am just feeling sorry for myself, and that being a warrior depends on keeping a straight back and not complaining. I know that railing about the unfairness of life is pointless.
But I cant help it sometimes. Other people got normal childhoods, and married someone they loved, and had a few kids... and simply get to live thier lives. Sure there is always pain, and there is always suffering, and everyone is stressed. And I know I am lucky and that I have been blessed in other ways... but sometimes, a normal everything... it looks like paradise to me.
I'm drying my tears. I am squaring my shoulders. I am trying to look into the future. I am trying to learn as much as I can about this incident, from this love, from this relationship as I can.
But - it hurts, I hurt, and I am really tired of hurting. My eyes burn always from crying. And honestly, sometimes, I just want to stay in bed.
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