Lonliness and Alienation

Last week, I cast a goodbye spell. The day after I began the casting, I heard from Ale (of course I did). He repeated, in Italian, the same things he had said in English.... I guess in case I didnt understand everyting that was wrong with me the first time.

I should have left it alone. I should have deleted it, ignored it, burned it. Of course, that would have been the mature thing to do. Of course, being not particulalry self controlled or mature, I responded.

Now, of course... I care about the response.

I have been alone and lonely my whole life. One would think I would have become accustomed to this sense of lonliness and alienation by now. I have never felt I really belonged... I have rarely been associated with my life...

Last night, as I sat listening to music in Santa Spirito, watching Spike play - I had the sensation of being so far out of my body that I felt I was watching the scene from overhead. The sensation of aloneness, of being a stranger in a strange land overwhelmed me. I wanted so badly to be home...

But, I have no home. I have never had a home. There is no where to run to, no where to hide, no comfortable skirts to hide behind. There is no ground beneath my feet, and I do not like it.

My coach sites theism as an answer... but while God may always be with me, he does not exist to hold my hand. The truth is that the human condition is that we are all one in our profound aloneness, on a small insignificant planet that is hurteling through space.

I feel like the only sane response is to embrace this truth - but my fear is that if I give into this reality, I will die. If I stop struglling against this exhistential truth - if I give up all hope - if I surrender to this inevitability I will cease to exist.

I look around me now at all the happy couples, the people pushing the baby carriages, the men and the women strolling contentedly hand in hand. Those who seem to belong, to have a home.... and I want what they have.

This is not to say, of course, that I do not have my son, and do not thank the Universe every day... but I am only keeping him safe until he learns to fly away. He does not belong to me - he belongs to himself and to God. I belong to him, no doubt - but only as long as he needs me.

I want a sense of connection with another adult human being. This is why I so miss Ale... not because I ever had him, not because I ever belonged to him, or him to me... but because he was the first man - truely the first, with whom I ever had the experience of being INSIDE my own body. He is the first person who I remember from a first person point of view, rather than from somewhere outside looking in.

Ultimately, it was not meant to last, and I always knew this - and I wasted an entire year struglling against the inevitable. Part of me feels stupid, because I dishonored myself. But the most of me cannot blame myself - because the state of being in my body was something I most wanted.

I wish he would change, I wish that magically God would open his heart and he would discover his love for me... but this is what it is: magical thinking. He is not for me, on so many many levels. He never was. Maybe some other lifetime, some other incarnation.

Still, it hurts, and I am tired of hurting. I am tired of living in pain. There must be a home for me.... somewhere. There must be. I am not ready to give up hope - because as much as a warrior as I would like to be... I am not ready to face the utter annhialation of hopelessness.