alchemy

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
Carl Jung

al·che·my (ăl'kə-mē)
n.
A medieval chemical philosophy having as its asserted aims the transmutation of base metals into gold, the discovery of the panacea, and the preparation of the elixir of longevity.

Something changed inside, but I am not so sure what. After seeing Ale last Monday (could it have only been a week ago?), I broke. I suffered one last intense burst of grief so horrifying that I was afraid for myself. I couldn't stop crying, and the tears came from the depth of a shattered heart.

And then, like a monsoon, it was over. The sun came up again.... and yes, there is still some debris to clear, but.... I'm fine. I'm tired, to be sure, I have taken on a nasty cold (uncried tears, unspoken words, too much going on at once...)

But, I have stopped asking "Whats wrong with me?", and - when I think about Ale (no longer every moment, or even every hour....) I think "Oh, poor baby.... what the hell is wrong with YOU? How could you have let someone like me walk out of your life. How tragic."

Would I still like a "do over" - sometimes I dream of it, because I dont like getting things wrong. But would I? I don't think so, no.

He was fun. He was loving. I miss him in my bed. But, I deserve someone who loves me best of all, someone who is profound and smart, and deep. As much fun as Ale is... its like the bible says....

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

Well, not completely.... but Ale has been relegated to "once upon a time", and I am looking for "happily ever after".

So, have I changed? I don't know. I hope so. I feel the same, like all this pain did nothing, but honestly, I doubt it. Love changes everything, and we will just have to see what it has changed in me.