Sometimes, you think you are spinning out of control, down into the depths that you thought you had swum free from - you spend the day miserable and crying and you think its because you simply cannot control your emotions....
And you discover that you were just getting your period.
We can add this to the 101 reasons that I'm planning on coming back male next time.
This morning I cast another goodbye spell, though I think that it might have been a little bit fuzzy in it's intentions... part goodbye, part come back, part "I surrender this to god" - The last spell was obviously working (or he would not have written to me...) - but then I broke it by re-engaging in pointless conversation - I hoped hitting the send button would make me feel better, but of course, it was just dumb. I rehooked myself.
As I am getting a little distance I am starting to understand why I am feeling guilty. I feel like I sold off some of my authenticity to stay in this relationship. That makes me feel a little bad. I do this with men, sell my own authenticity to be acceptable. This weakens me, and I need to be loving myself more than I love him.
If my authentic self, my age, my child, my "stability", my past, my impulsiveness, the way I am is ever any problem to someone - well - what is that to me? I'm not perfect, but - I'm pretty terrific. If someone is finding fault, they should be invited to take the next train out of dodge. Its really silly for me to try and "change" my basic nature in order to be accepted. I mean - if there is something I do thats annoying - its one thing. But, who I am? Who I AM is pretty great, and I want to be with someone who assists me in becoming MORE of who I am, who helps be bring out the BEST of who I am...
NOT with someone who has a problem with the BASICS - like my motherhood, my age, and my personality.
In any case, I did spell work, I did meditation, I did my therapy homework this morning, and I'm a little less shaky.
I will post my therapy assignment in a seperate post.
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