Magical Thinking

Each night, I fall asleep, and Ale plagues my dreams. Its one thing to try and control your thoughts when you are awake - I have been working hard on this - but there is nothing I can do with my dreams right now. This is not to say I havent been trying, because I have... but each night, he is there.

Day and night, I dream he calls - he says "I'm sorry - I thought I didnt love you, but I cant get you out of my head" - I KNOW this is magical thinking, I know its not real.... I even know he is wrong for me, yet, the thoughts wont stop.

I also realize I've been lying - was lying all along - or, at least, half lying - to him, to myself, when I would tell him things like "I dont see a future for us, I dont want to live with you, I dont want to marry you" etc. Because, intellectually, I always knew it was wrong - but inside, I wanted him to be my home. I wanted him to change, just enough, to make it possible.

Then, I wonder about all of these out of control feelings - and I wonder what exactly it is that I am REALLY trying to avoid thinking about? I feel like these thoughts are a drug, a distraction, and avoidance of something really big that I am refusing.

I know a lot about love - its something I am pretty good at. But I dont know anything about romantic love. I feel like a kindergartner... I dont know exactly what I am supposed to be doing, feeling, thinking - I dont know how to get through this and put it aside.

All I know is that there is a little girl piece of my soul that wont stop crying out for him, and wont stop her wailing and crying out, and I cant seem to console her and calm her, and I feel like she is ruining my life and I wish she would just shut up and grow up already. Now, I know this is counter productive, and I know she is already feeling rejected, but I am tired of thinking about this stupid boy - and I am angry at him for jerking us around, and I am furious that he was so stupid not to love her.