The Wisdom of No Escape?

I have been reading a lot of Pema Chodron these days - trying to find meaning in my current state of misery.

Her point is, I think, to simply experience what you are feeling. Don't run away, don't fix it - just sit still with it.

I'm starting to think that maybe I am misunderstanding this instruction. I don't WANT to feel this. I am frightened, anxious, exhausted, fed up.

She says this is the place wisdom starts; With a raw and wounded heart.

I'm trying very hard (and not so successfully, I think) to stop stuggling, and just sit with these feelings, without judgement of myself, or blame for others. I can get here about 2 percent of the time....

But instead of experiencing any sort of relaxation from this practice, all I feel is more despair (and this is while working hard not to "feed" this pain with thoughts of all that went wrong - how he is wrong, how I am wrong). I find this near to impossible, but as I said, I get moments.

But all I feel when I do this is trapped in a nightmare, where there is no escape, where I cannot wake up. I am acknowledging to the best of my abilities that these fears, this terror I feel is "just thinking". I am trying to view it all as a dream, as an illusion.

But the more I try and find this buddha mind and this open heart, the deeper into a disassociated exhistential vortex I find myself. The path of no action (my letter of yesterday is proof of my inability) is nearly impossible.

And even with action, I cant change anything.

Spike asked me yesterday if there isnt a pill I can take just to forget Ale. Oh boy I wish there was. Too many of my deepest needs got met, and far too many of them went unmet.

I wish I needed nothing. I wish I wanted nothing. Sometimes, this manifests in my mind somewhere along the lines of "I wish I were dead".

Im not depressed, I am just sad. But, I have spent 30 days in sadness.... and I am tired. I want out now. I want it done. And nothing seems to lift it.

I am made to feel bad and wrong, left and right. My culture says "Only losers dont have someone to love them" and then my culture says "What is WRONG with you if you cannot be alone - there must be something WRONG with you to need another person"

EVERYTHING in our culture tells us something is wrong with us. We are wrong to be alone. We are wrong to not want to be alone. We are wrong to need something. We are wrong if we dont have it. We are wrong because we are too old - we must be unattractive if we are too old.

Im tired of being sad. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of wanting what it seems I cannot have. I am tired of hopelessness. And I am tired of trying to investigate all these feelings I am having. And I am so fucking tired of people telling me that there must be something wrong with me, that the next person who even suggests it again is likely to find thier face shoved down thier own throats.