I spent yesterday (and most of the weekend) in a state of mourning. I cried a lot, and tried to stay busy. I can't seem to get any work done, because I can't concentrate... so I am doing the best I can.
I feel horrible, and very very sad.
I spent the last couple of days rehearsing a good bye speech, but no matter how elaborate or simple, it all seemed damn stupid. I mean, what is the point? You are supposed to do this out of respet for the other person, out of respect for the relationship etc.... but how much respect is due when what you have been told in essense is:
"I like you, but I don't love you. But I really like having sex with you, so lets keep doing that until I find someone better"
So: Stage 2. Self-loathing. I knew he was in this only for the sex. So, I kept throwing it out there. He NEVER lied to me. He was ALWAYS clear about where he was at. So what the fuck did I hope to accomplish by staying in this, falling in love with someone whose intentions were always temporary - and who was CLEAR about it?
I am so embarrassed, and so ashamed of myself right now. I mean, for fucks sake - "I'll be your bitch, just don't leave me"?
I want to defend myself here. I have a whole lot of "yeah... but... I hoped" and 'But.... it was .... ' but, essentially, none of them are bigger than the voice telling me that I am one stupid bitch.
I can't blame him for this. Yeah, he was confused a bit too. Sometimes he sent out mixed signals, he liked me, cared for me, was always always good to me. But except for one conversation, early early on - he never misled me into thinking he wanted to keep me. Maybe he should have dumped me, but he didn't want to.
The fact of the matter is, I knew - from the first time he said he was uncomfortable that I had a Monkey Boy - that this was dead. And I stayed, and I KNEW I should not. I have been anxious about him, and this relationship since last August. From the FIRST MONTH of this relationship, I have been anxious, and miserable - BECAUSE I KNEW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN, AND I KNEW IT WOULD END, AND I DECIDED TO LOVE HIM ANYWAY. GODDAMN IT - WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN DOING?????????????????????????????????????
I am a complete and total imbecile. Thats all there is to it.
So, as to the goodbye speech - I'm going to skip it for now. He is not that stupid, he knows that this is all wrong, and that it is hurting me. A conversation right now, while I am feeling so vulnerable will only end with me staying in this, or leaving it in tears. I think I have already sacrificed enough of my dignity - and I do not feel like spilling any more tears in front of him. I would just end up trying to take care of him.... but, you know? He can take care of himself.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Yeah yeah yeah... so maybe I'm a litle dramatic....
I guess that it was bound to happen
Was just a matter of time
Now I've come to my decision
And its a-one of the painful kind
'Cause now it seems that you wanted a martyr
Just a regular girl wouldn't do
But baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
You really gotta hand it to ya
'Cause boy, you really tried
But for ev'ry time that we spent laughin'
There were two times that I cried
And you were tryin' to make me your martyr
And that's the one thing I just couldn't do
'Cause baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
'Cause tables are meant for turnin'
And people are bound to change
And bridges are meant for burnin'
When the people and mem'ries they join aren't the same
Still I hope that you can find another
Who can take what I could not
She'll have to be a super girl
Or maybe a super god
'Cause I never was much of a martyr before
And I ain't 'bout to start nothin' new
And baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
'Cause tables are meant for turnin'
And people are bound to change
And bridges are meant for burnin'
When the people and mem'ries they join aren't the same
But I hope that you can find another
Who can take what I could not
She'll have to be a super girl
Or maybe a super god
'Cause I never was much of a martyr before
And I ain't 'bout to start nothin' new
And baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
Was just a matter of time
Now I've come to my decision
And its a-one of the painful kind
'Cause now it seems that you wanted a martyr
Just a regular girl wouldn't do
But baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
You really gotta hand it to ya
'Cause boy, you really tried
But for ev'ry time that we spent laughin'
There were two times that I cried
And you were tryin' to make me your martyr
And that's the one thing I just couldn't do
'Cause baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
'Cause tables are meant for turnin'
And people are bound to change
And bridges are meant for burnin'
When the people and mem'ries they join aren't the same
Still I hope that you can find another
Who can take what I could not
She'll have to be a super girl
Or maybe a super god
'Cause I never was much of a martyr before
And I ain't 'bout to start nothin' new
And baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
'Cause tables are meant for turnin'
And people are bound to change
And bridges are meant for burnin'
When the people and mem'ries they join aren't the same
But I hope that you can find another
Who can take what I could not
She'll have to be a super girl
Or maybe a super god
'Cause I never was much of a martyr before
And I ain't 'bout to start nothin' new
And baby I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you
Sunday, July 29, 2007
ow ow ow ow ow ow ow
I wish I had a sense of humor left but I am really feeling sorry for myself right now.
My deepest nuerotic self is screaming her fears in my ears: ANOTHER failed relationship. Another man who can't love you, because you are so defective. You're OLD. You're UGLY. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU. You BLEW it. You FUCKED UP. Everything you did was WRONG. You WASTED your time.
I wonder if other people have these fears, and just don't admit it, or if I am really alone in beling so full of self hatred.
The better part of myself knows that none of this is really true, but fear is so much louder than logic and good sense. I suspect that these are everyone's deepest and most despairing fears - but that usually, people just pretend not to have them.
In any case, I hurt, because I want to hold onto false hopes. I have held onto them for a year now, because strangely enough, I think when you find someone you really like, who you enjoy, and who is a perfect sexual partner - you should try and make it work. Perfect sexual partners are rare.
He is attractive, gallant, and I like him. But - he doesnt read books, he doesnt think deeply, he is kind of a fake buddist because he doesnt really have the learning to back it up. He is shallow. He was never really into me, and the fact that I was really into him cost me his respect - and he never ever respected me. He never SAW me.
I am responsible for this whole thing. I know that. I must take 100 percent responsibility for my life. My problem is that I have a hard time seperating responsible from "wrong" and "guilt" and "shame". I allowed him to not respect me, I allowed this relationship to continue, even though I knew he wasnt that into me. I knew that my hopes were futile, and yet I continued this anyway. I think that this is the part that hurts the most.
I have to find the time to do our break up conversation, and to get my closure on this. I wish that it weren't happening, I wish Nick wasnt going to be here right now, I wish I weren't such a stupid girl.
And I wish I werent feeling so sorry for myself.
My deepest nuerotic self is screaming her fears in my ears: ANOTHER failed relationship. Another man who can't love you, because you are so defective. You're OLD. You're UGLY. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU. You BLEW it. You FUCKED UP. Everything you did was WRONG. You WASTED your time.
I wonder if other people have these fears, and just don't admit it, or if I am really alone in beling so full of self hatred.
The better part of myself knows that none of this is really true, but fear is so much louder than logic and good sense. I suspect that these are everyone's deepest and most despairing fears - but that usually, people just pretend not to have them.
In any case, I hurt, because I want to hold onto false hopes. I have held onto them for a year now, because strangely enough, I think when you find someone you really like, who you enjoy, and who is a perfect sexual partner - you should try and make it work. Perfect sexual partners are rare.
He is attractive, gallant, and I like him. But - he doesnt read books, he doesnt think deeply, he is kind of a fake buddist because he doesnt really have the learning to back it up. He is shallow. He was never really into me, and the fact that I was really into him cost me his respect - and he never ever respected me. He never SAW me.
I am responsible for this whole thing. I know that. I must take 100 percent responsibility for my life. My problem is that I have a hard time seperating responsible from "wrong" and "guilt" and "shame". I allowed him to not respect me, I allowed this relationship to continue, even though I knew he wasnt that into me. I knew that my hopes were futile, and yet I continued this anyway. I think that this is the part that hurts the most.
I have to find the time to do our break up conversation, and to get my closure on this. I wish that it weren't happening, I wish Nick wasnt going to be here right now, I wish I weren't such a stupid girl.
And I wish I werent feeling so sorry for myself.
Friday, July 27, 2007
When you have a bad taste in your mouth
You need to spit it out, fast, before it poisons you.
Yesterday, I had a really good time on my birthday. I went to Assisi with Ale, and then we went to Cortona for dinner and had a really great bottle of wine, and a long talk.... where we discussed our relationship and we were pretty radically honest, and we dicussed our mutual 'defects' - and Ale told me the things that really bother him about me.
1.) I am wasteful - and leave lights on.
2.) He thinks I may be a bit unstable, though he has never seen it.
3.) He wishes I were 25 instead of 45.
Other than that, he loves my body, he likes my mind, he likes making love with me.
Now, I am not entirely sure... but what I think what he just said is this: You are a really great piece of ass, and I really want to continuing using you as such until you get really old and ugly, which will probably be in a matter of moments.
It feels good to be held in such high regard.
I think its time to spit him out. I think perhaps he should now have the opportunity to find a 25 year old with my mind attached. I wish him luck with that.
Yesterday, I had a really good time on my birthday. I went to Assisi with Ale, and then we went to Cortona for dinner and had a really great bottle of wine, and a long talk.... where we discussed our relationship and we were pretty radically honest, and we dicussed our mutual 'defects' - and Ale told me the things that really bother him about me.
1.) I am wasteful - and leave lights on.
2.) He thinks I may be a bit unstable, though he has never seen it.
3.) He wishes I were 25 instead of 45.
Other than that, he loves my body, he likes my mind, he likes making love with me.
Now, I am not entirely sure... but what I think what he just said is this: You are a really great piece of ass, and I really want to continuing using you as such until you get really old and ugly, which will probably be in a matter of moments.
It feels good to be held in such high regard.
I think its time to spit him out. I think perhaps he should now have the opportunity to find a 25 year old with my mind attached. I wish him luck with that.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
The beginning of the end
I must give Ale credit... he always starts the relationship talks, and is usually honest,
He asked what I thought our future was, because he still didn't see one. He would love it to be causal forever.... and I was clear that I don't know what the future is, and that I would be happy if we could be together in the present.
It's not you babe....
Bottom line, I am not the one he wants to be with. His feelings for me are not strong, and he doesn't love me. He has feelings of love for me, now and again.... but I'm not "it".
Part of this is a kind of immature notion of love - the belief that we have that love is a static state bestowed by the magic fairies of love, rather than a living breathing thing of its own - that you nourish and nurture. This immature notion of love is why most people fail at love.... because Venus, being the perverse goddess she is, withdraws - and most people cannot sustain their love once the magic fairies depart.
Ale, along with most people, do not understand; All lovers have mixed feelings. Some days you love, some days you don't, some days you just hate each other. And the difference between a sustainable love and one that is driven by hormones is simply "intention".
My intention is to love, to the best of my ability someone who is dear to me. His intention is to stay while the sex is good. And, knowing this is wrong, he is withdrawing further, and this is no longer sustainable.
I am so sad. When he and I are together, and it is good - I am so much a better person. He has, and this relationship has, the capacity to bring me such joy.
Being a witch sucks, because you can always see the possible futures - and in one possible future, we bring each other joy and love all the days of our life.... but most of the possible futures take us to where we are headed now.... regretfully, to an end.
The suckiest thing about being able to see the possible futures is this: you have no real way, especially in matters of love, to effect the outcome by yourself. When there are 2 people, both need to be in accord, and he doesn't know what he wants.
He is sad, and confused, and is having internal struggles in his life, and in his relationship with me. The timing couldnt be worse, and if tomorrow were not my birthday, I would put us both out of our misery now.
But, I don't want to spend tomorrow alone, and I do not wish to face Nick alone. But - this is the problem with our whole relationship; most of the time, he is just a body. I am alone, even when we are together.
Here is the agreement we have come to; For the next few weeks we will stay together. We will love each other as best we can. If nothing changes, we part.
Then, I can be alone by myself - which is better, I suppose, than feeling alone when you are with someone.
He asked what I thought our future was, because he still didn't see one. He would love it to be causal forever.... and I was clear that I don't know what the future is, and that I would be happy if we could be together in the present.
It's not you babe....
Bottom line, I am not the one he wants to be with. His feelings for me are not strong, and he doesn't love me. He has feelings of love for me, now and again.... but I'm not "it".
Part of this is a kind of immature notion of love - the belief that we have that love is a static state bestowed by the magic fairies of love, rather than a living breathing thing of its own - that you nourish and nurture. This immature notion of love is why most people fail at love.... because Venus, being the perverse goddess she is, withdraws - and most people cannot sustain their love once the magic fairies depart.
Ale, along with most people, do not understand; All lovers have mixed feelings. Some days you love, some days you don't, some days you just hate each other. And the difference between a sustainable love and one that is driven by hormones is simply "intention".
My intention is to love, to the best of my ability someone who is dear to me. His intention is to stay while the sex is good. And, knowing this is wrong, he is withdrawing further, and this is no longer sustainable.
I am so sad. When he and I are together, and it is good - I am so much a better person. He has, and this relationship has, the capacity to bring me such joy.
Being a witch sucks, because you can always see the possible futures - and in one possible future, we bring each other joy and love all the days of our life.... but most of the possible futures take us to where we are headed now.... regretfully, to an end.
The suckiest thing about being able to see the possible futures is this: you have no real way, especially in matters of love, to effect the outcome by yourself. When there are 2 people, both need to be in accord, and he doesn't know what he wants.
He is sad, and confused, and is having internal struggles in his life, and in his relationship with me. The timing couldnt be worse, and if tomorrow were not my birthday, I would put us both out of our misery now.
But, I don't want to spend tomorrow alone, and I do not wish to face Nick alone. But - this is the problem with our whole relationship; most of the time, he is just a body. I am alone, even when we are together.
Here is the agreement we have come to; For the next few weeks we will stay together. We will love each other as best we can. If nothing changes, we part.
Then, I can be alone by myself - which is better, I suppose, than feeling alone when you are with someone.
Monday, July 23, 2007
change of heart
When you commit to what you are getting, the effect is interesting. Because, you suddenly SEE what you are getting. You see it without the layers of what might be, and it is both enlightening and sobering.
I'm falling out of love.
Honestly, thats not what I really hoped for. My hopes involved someone as interested in having a real, deep, profound relationship with someone who was just as interested.
Thats not what I am getting, and now that I have stripped away what could be - and am looking at what is, it has lost its shine. I'm really sad about it, but I don't want love to be a one way street.
So, I've taken my love off the table. My beloved doesn't know if he wants my love, and that isn't good enough.
Dating him is great - he's fun. Sleeping with him is spectacular... our spirits dance like dolphins. Speaking with him is nice, because he holds very different points of view, but is open.
But - I cannot love him enough for two... one person being fed while the other goes hungry isn't right, and no amount of expensive dinners and nice companionship can make up for what isn't there.
It's a shame. I want to love him. But I don't want to love alone.
I'm falling out of love.
Honestly, thats not what I really hoped for. My hopes involved someone as interested in having a real, deep, profound relationship with someone who was just as interested.
Thats not what I am getting, and now that I have stripped away what could be - and am looking at what is, it has lost its shine. I'm really sad about it, but I don't want love to be a one way street.
So, I've taken my love off the table. My beloved doesn't know if he wants my love, and that isn't good enough.
Dating him is great - he's fun. Sleeping with him is spectacular... our spirits dance like dolphins. Speaking with him is nice, because he holds very different points of view, but is open.
But - I cannot love him enough for two... one person being fed while the other goes hungry isn't right, and no amount of expensive dinners and nice companionship can make up for what isn't there.
It's a shame. I want to love him. But I don't want to love alone.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Commitment
All of us, at all times and in every way, are getting exactly what we’re committed to getting.
So, I got the above quote off of a new age website, and I don't much care for new age websites.... but, ""The fault, dear Brutus, lies not in our stars, but in ourselves..."
I want someone to do this, to feel that, and to behave thusly.... but, if I am a responsible human, I must take responsibility for exactly what I am recieving. I am so caught up in feeling right, feeling secure in this relationship... that I am never where I am, but always somewhere else.All of us, at all times and in every way, are getting exactly what we’re committed to getting.
So, I am commited to recieving what I am getting. If this were not so, I would be getting something else.
Perhaps part of the problem is that I am playing an endgame here. I am trying to commit to an outcome, rather than a process, and Ale - well - he has clearly said that he is commited to "the process". "We stay together well... we should get to know each other better"
No matter how much I want to hear "Ti Amo" - I should probably stop discounting Ale's commitment to me. Clearly, I am important to him. Not as important, perhaps, as I would like to be, but not someone he takes lightly.
So - perhaps here, if I quell my ever present anxiety, I ought to examine what exactly I AM recieving.
1.) The most amazing, connected, wonderful, astonishing sex I have ever had in my life -
2.) Lots of wonderful meals out, lovely dinners, concerts, plays, motorcycle rides
3.) Did I mention really hot sex?
4.) Great conversations about esoteric things with someone whose life experience has been completely different than mine.
5.) Lots of fun, especially when I am relaxed enough to have fun!
6.) A man who doesnt mind helping me shop for clothes
7.) A lot of physical contact, touching, stroking, kissing, hand holding.
8.) A man who is unfailingly a gentleman. He holds doors open, gives me his jacket if I am cold, lets me wear the good motorcycle helmet, always pays for EVERYTHING (and mostly won't let me pay!)
9.) 2 or 3 nights a week of undivided attention.
10.) A willingness to be in this process with me. And, a willingness to TALK about our relationship.
11.) Did I mention the multiple orgasm factor?
Yes. I will want more in the future. Yes, I AM looking for a life partner. But, if I were commited to getting that, right now, I suppose that this is what I would be getting. Therefore... if this is to be an honest commitment - this is what I need to say right now...
"I am committed to NOT having a life partner right now."
"I am committed to being single, and in a dating relationship with Alessio."
ok - and NOW the hard one.... the one I think I want to change....
"I am committed to being uncertain that I am lovable. I am commited to the idea that no one will ever REALLY love me."
Now - this one I stick with, because somewhere along the line, I decided that this is so. (thanks, mom) - and this is a commitment to myself that I need to change. Alessio didn't do this to me. Nick did, I suppose, and my Mom did, I suppose. But when we are an adult, we put away childish things. I was NEVER not lovable, I was born worthy of love, and hope, and optimism.
Furthermore, my commitment that no one will be able to really love me puts a big block around my heart. Because, seriously - words or no words, I will not be able to hear, see, feel, or believe that I am loved. Its a good way to stay a little safe, and a really good way to not ever feel loved.
So, today... I commit to myself. I commit to changing this unconcious commitment that I am not lovable, and to embracing the love that Ale obviously shows me. I commit to being brave, and knowing - whether we stay or part, that my intrinsic lovliness is god given, and not something that can be bestowed or withheld, by any other person than myself.
I feel better already.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Darling you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I’ll be here ’til the end of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
Always tease tease tease
You’re happy when I’m on my knees
One day is fine, next day is black
So if you want me off your back
Well come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An’ if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know!
This indecision’s bugging me
If you don’t want me, set me free
Exactly who’m I’m supposed to be
Don’t you know which clothes even fit me?
Come on and let me know
Should I cool it or should I blow?
Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I cool it or should I go?
I am trying my best to stay steady, give things a chance to just be... but, you know? I'm really not happy. I need words. I need lots of words.
Sex is great, kissing is great, being together is great. But I can't deal with all this indecision. I can't deal with not knowing how you feel. "Maybe" you love me? What the fuck is that? You aren't used to saying it? So WHAT? GET used to it. Because, I am worth it, and a whole lot more.
I can't be any better than I am now - I can't be more devoted, I can't be more gentle, I can't be more loving, affectionate, supportive, patient, tolerant, nor kind. You have the very best of me, and if its not enough? Your loss. My loss too... I suppose, but still... You've had the best of me, and I haven't had the best of you... and I am tired of trying to get your attention.
So, baby - I need to start seeing the best of you. I NEED to hear that I am important, that I am treasured, and that I am loved. Because, the little I am getting is not good enough.
I can't make you feel what you don't feel, and I can't give you what you dont want. All I can do is speak for myself.... and I want to be someones girl. I need to feel loved, and wanted, and important. I want phone calls, and presents, and to know that you are thinking about me when you aren't here.
I'm growing resentful, I'm becomming angry... I've been anxious since you told me that this was going to be an important story... and then changed your mind. I KNOW there is an important connection here, I know that this could be very good, for both of us... but so far, I think... its been mostly good for you.
I work hard on making it good for you, do you know that? I think about what will make you happy, I put effort into doing so. And, mostly, I have taken great joy in doing so - but the fact that you are pretty happy in this relationship is no accident. I work hard at being a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good lover. You are second from the top of my priority list... in the meantime - well... you didnt even meet me at the airport after I was last in the states, because it wasnt convenient.
Somewhere along the line, I have allowed myself to become a convenience. My bad.
Love me boy, or let me go. And make up your mind soon, or I'll be making it up for both of us. And it will break my heart. But the truth of the matter is that if I am not feeling loved here, I am going to have to move on.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
The soul wants....
I have been thinking about yesterday's quote.
"The soul wants what the soul wants, and there is nothing you can do about it"
I am troubled by this. I feel unsettled. My soul is stupid, I think.
If this is love, why does it hurt?
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
From a website
Love is crazy because the souls want what they want and you don't have much to say about it.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Wendy loves Peter
Even while experiencing yesterday's freakout and bad dreams, I knew it wasn't the present time me experiencing all this drama. This is not to say what was going on for me wasn't important... obviously it was, or I wouldnt have spent the day in such a state of tears and anxiety.
Before I go on, let me digress and explain what I mean (lest the term schizophrenia occur to anyone....). According to many great thinkers, pyschiatrists, and in the cannon of NLP, our lives are often run by our "other selves" - little peices of ourselves that get broken off by trauma and live in their respective age/trauma states in our subconcious mind. These little shades of ourselves make decisions for us, screw us up, and occasionally wreak havoc, trying to get their needs met.
In the course of healing, one tries to be aware of these 'others' - and, whn one is found, engage them, and attempt to integrate them into oneself - to make this piece part of the whole, and bring them into adulthood with the rest of you.
Now, crazy as this sounds, it works, especially in the areas of fear and phobia... and often this works so well that once you do this process, you forget what it was you were ever afraid of in the first place.
Ok - in any case: today I decided to engage that freaked out youngster of yesterday, and comfort her, and talk to her. In doing this, it became utterly clear to me why - even knowing better - I have been being such a nut case these days. I mean, godalmighty, I am 44 years old, and worried about "calling boys"? I worry myself sick that Ale might not call me if I don't call him? I get crazy over the thought of whether he likes me or not?
Now, in some ways, this is kind of sweet, because it is definately this 13 year old me who is so desperately in love with this boy.... and that is a wonderful thing. But the 13 year old me was not in any position to make any healthy of clear decisions about anything. The me I was at 12 and 13 was sexually precocious, intellectually precocious - and had absolutely no boundries, self esteem, or self worth. That little girl had already been abused, abandoned, and raped so many times... and all she wanted was to be loved by those who were hurting her.
So... you reparent yourself. You reach into that 13 year old girl, and you tell her you will love her.... and that you are the adult, and will make the adult decisions, and that you will keep her safe. And you keep engaging her, everytime she comes up. And you try to bring all that wonder into your present time, because that broken child is as vital a part of you as all the things about yourself that you can acknowledge.
It seems that who we are always comes down to our family of origin. My famly of origin was determined by the death of a child... and all the decisions, both concious and unconcious - that flowed from this one event. My eldest brother lost his sister, his best friend, and his mother with that death. My middle brother lost his mother (he was only 2 years old at the time!) and his father with that death. As for me, I was born to fill a hole in my mothers heart... and because I could not do it... I was rejected as "damaged merchandise" at a very young age.
My eldest brother found Barbara, who became his freind and mother. My middle brother found Jesus. Me? I'm just trying to find myself.
_________________________________________
Speaking of families of origin, today I met Alessio's - which I guess makes me the girlfriend of record. I adored his father, found his mother to be really beautiful... I also found this to be a kind of strange family. Except for Alessio's sister and neice, they all seemed oddly unconnected. Or, rather, 'disconnected'. Da Soli.
Now, here is a gift in not really being able to speak well... you watch. You read faces and bodies.
Ale's sister in law was there, as well as his brother (who I didn't speak to, because I couldnt think of anything to say, and because he seemed completely unapproachable). I asked if she was his ex-wife, and no - she was the current wife. I commented that they didn't seem to be together... and he said that this was how his family is. That's how his parents are.
Does this mean if I am his official girlfriend, I get relegated to girl-land, I wonder? That love, for this family, means occasionally sharing the same air? No WONDER he 'doesn't believe in marriage' - because if this is all he knows, then 'marriage' is nothing more than a culturally acceptable state sponsored breeding program. EEK!
Wendy most certainly loves Peter, but I want to be one of the lost boys, not the mother of the lost boys.... I want to fight with swords and chase indians and get dirty... I will never be happy to wait at home tending dinner until the lost boys come home, then reading them their stories and putting them to bed... so they can leave me at home when they go out on their next adventure.
Wendy didn't like it either. When Peter did that to her, she joined Captain Hook, and nearly destroyed Neverland. Then she left, taking the lost boys with her... and Peter got left forever without a true friend.
Before I go on, let me digress and explain what I mean (lest the term schizophrenia occur to anyone....). According to many great thinkers, pyschiatrists, and in the cannon of NLP, our lives are often run by our "other selves" - little peices of ourselves that get broken off by trauma and live in their respective age/trauma states in our subconcious mind. These little shades of ourselves make decisions for us, screw us up, and occasionally wreak havoc, trying to get their needs met.
In the course of healing, one tries to be aware of these 'others' - and, whn one is found, engage them, and attempt to integrate them into oneself - to make this piece part of the whole, and bring them into adulthood with the rest of you.
Now, crazy as this sounds, it works, especially in the areas of fear and phobia... and often this works so well that once you do this process, you forget what it was you were ever afraid of in the first place.
Ok - in any case: today I decided to engage that freaked out youngster of yesterday, and comfort her, and talk to her. In doing this, it became utterly clear to me why - even knowing better - I have been being such a nut case these days. I mean, godalmighty, I am 44 years old, and worried about "calling boys"? I worry myself sick that Ale might not call me if I don't call him? I get crazy over the thought of whether he likes me or not?
Now, in some ways, this is kind of sweet, because it is definately this 13 year old me who is so desperately in love with this boy.... and that is a wonderful thing. But the 13 year old me was not in any position to make any healthy of clear decisions about anything. The me I was at 12 and 13 was sexually precocious, intellectually precocious - and had absolutely no boundries, self esteem, or self worth. That little girl had already been abused, abandoned, and raped so many times... and all she wanted was to be loved by those who were hurting her.
So... you reparent yourself. You reach into that 13 year old girl, and you tell her you will love her.... and that you are the adult, and will make the adult decisions, and that you will keep her safe. And you keep engaging her, everytime she comes up. And you try to bring all that wonder into your present time, because that broken child is as vital a part of you as all the things about yourself that you can acknowledge.
It seems that who we are always comes down to our family of origin. My famly of origin was determined by the death of a child... and all the decisions, both concious and unconcious - that flowed from this one event. My eldest brother lost his sister, his best friend, and his mother with that death. My middle brother lost his mother (he was only 2 years old at the time!) and his father with that death. As for me, I was born to fill a hole in my mothers heart... and because I could not do it... I was rejected as "damaged merchandise" at a very young age.
My eldest brother found Barbara, who became his freind and mother. My middle brother found Jesus. Me? I'm just trying to find myself.
_________________________________________
Speaking of families of origin, today I met Alessio's - which I guess makes me the girlfriend of record. I adored his father, found his mother to be really beautiful... I also found this to be a kind of strange family. Except for Alessio's sister and neice, they all seemed oddly unconnected. Or, rather, 'disconnected'. Da Soli.
Now, here is a gift in not really being able to speak well... you watch. You read faces and bodies.
Ale's sister in law was there, as well as his brother (who I didn't speak to, because I couldnt think of anything to say, and because he seemed completely unapproachable). I asked if she was his ex-wife, and no - she was the current wife. I commented that they didn't seem to be together... and he said that this was how his family is. That's how his parents are.
Does this mean if I am his official girlfriend, I get relegated to girl-land, I wonder? That love, for this family, means occasionally sharing the same air? No WONDER he 'doesn't believe in marriage' - because if this is all he knows, then 'marriage' is nothing more than a culturally acceptable state sponsored breeding program. EEK!
Wendy most certainly loves Peter, but I want to be one of the lost boys, not the mother of the lost boys.... I want to fight with swords and chase indians and get dirty... I will never be happy to wait at home tending dinner until the lost boys come home, then reading them their stories and putting them to bed... so they can leave me at home when they go out on their next adventure.
Wendy didn't like it either. When Peter did that to her, she joined Captain Hook, and nearly destroyed Neverland. Then she left, taking the lost boys with her... and Peter got left forever without a true friend.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
When is enough
Today I have a heavy feeling of not rightness in my soul. I'm soul tired, I'm lonely, I'm afraid. I fell asleep last night crying, and I woke up this morning crying... and I hate myself for being sad, for whining, for complaining.
I have this deep feeling that there must be something very very wrong with me... because if there weren't something very wrong with me, I wouldnt be alone. How is it that I continually love people who do not love me? And what is wrong with me that someone can be with me.... even for years... and somehow just not love me?
Is it just that my choices are so bad, and I choose people who cannot love me, because this feels familiar? Am I repeating the situation, over and over... trying to get a different result?
This "relationship" that I am in right now should be, could be, so right. But its not, because he doesnt love me. And I am NOT going to try and talk him into it. I did that before, and it ended in tragedy. Now, my relationship with Nick was necessary... it was all about Karma, and we had our baby, and the Karmic dept was paid.
I don\t know what the karmic relationship with Ale is. I have no memory of him from other times, I have no dreams where he appears... but he is one of my soul mates, all the same. He is a perfect playmate, and our souls are hungry for each other. But he is not there for me emotionally. His body is in it, but his heart is not. He doesn't really want me, but doesnt want to lose me.... he 'thinks' maybe he loves me, but its not good enough.
I want out, but I dont know how to end this, because I am hoping that somehow, magically, some fairy will come down and open his heart to me. Staying is making me miserable, leaving would be like a knife in my heart, and I LIKE him.
I want a life partner. I want someone by my side. I want someone whose face lights up when I enter the room, and someone who misses me when I am gone. I want to curl up on the couch, and watch TV in someone's arms, and someone to share my life with. I want to give my heart, with no fear. And to know that my heart will be safe.
I am not getting that here.
He says wait.... just wait. But I don't think his heart will change, and I think he will stay with me as long as I love him, simply because he is lazy, and it is easier to keep me than to get rid of me.
Once upon a time, I could see the future. I knew what came next. Now the future is obscure to me. And I don't know if I am creating failure just through my fear... if my belief that no one will love me causes me to choose people who will not love me, or if my behaviors... based on those fears, simply drives the people I want away.
Somehow I really have come to believe that if I am not PERFECT, I am not worthy of love. I was taught this by my mother (who had a perfect, dead daughter). I tried so hard to be perfect, but it was never enough. I was taught this by Nick, who had a perfect, dead girlfriend.... with whom I was always compared, but didn't have the genetics to compete with. But, oh lord, I tried so hard, so fucking hard, to be perfect. And my marriage ended anyway, becauae I was not whats-her-name.
Now, again, I am trying to be perfect. To always look my best, to never ever be disagreeable, to never cry, or complain, to pressure.... to be the best friend and lover I can.... but its not enough. And it wont be. I'm just too easy. I'm no trouble. I'm such a nice girl, so sweet. No one wants a nice girl.
The thing is, I think - in spite of the occasional toughness I pretend, I really am a genuinely nice girl. And I want someone who brings that out, who treasures it, and who loves me, I want to be "someones" nice girl. I want someone who will think of me as 'his'.
I promised I would wait until after the thesis. The thesis is tomorrow morning.
If he doesnt step up, if it doesnt change, if he doesnt begin to invest in this, I need to walk away. Because I think I deserve more than this. Being alone is bad, but being with someone for a year.... and still always feeling awkward, always feeling lonely... this isnt what I want.
So how do I know when its enough, when to give up, and when to walk away?
I have this deep feeling that there must be something very very wrong with me... because if there weren't something very wrong with me, I wouldnt be alone. How is it that I continually love people who do not love me? And what is wrong with me that someone can be with me.... even for years... and somehow just not love me?
Is it just that my choices are so bad, and I choose people who cannot love me, because this feels familiar? Am I repeating the situation, over and over... trying to get a different result?
This "relationship" that I am in right now should be, could be, so right. But its not, because he doesnt love me. And I am NOT going to try and talk him into it. I did that before, and it ended in tragedy. Now, my relationship with Nick was necessary... it was all about Karma, and we had our baby, and the Karmic dept was paid.
I don\t know what the karmic relationship with Ale is. I have no memory of him from other times, I have no dreams where he appears... but he is one of my soul mates, all the same. He is a perfect playmate, and our souls are hungry for each other. But he is not there for me emotionally. His body is in it, but his heart is not. He doesn't really want me, but doesnt want to lose me.... he 'thinks' maybe he loves me, but its not good enough.
I want out, but I dont know how to end this, because I am hoping that somehow, magically, some fairy will come down and open his heart to me. Staying is making me miserable, leaving would be like a knife in my heart, and I LIKE him.
I want a life partner. I want someone by my side. I want someone whose face lights up when I enter the room, and someone who misses me when I am gone. I want to curl up on the couch, and watch TV in someone's arms, and someone to share my life with. I want to give my heart, with no fear. And to know that my heart will be safe.
I am not getting that here.
He says wait.... just wait. But I don't think his heart will change, and I think he will stay with me as long as I love him, simply because he is lazy, and it is easier to keep me than to get rid of me.
Once upon a time, I could see the future. I knew what came next. Now the future is obscure to me. And I don't know if I am creating failure just through my fear... if my belief that no one will love me causes me to choose people who will not love me, or if my behaviors... based on those fears, simply drives the people I want away.
Somehow I really have come to believe that if I am not PERFECT, I am not worthy of love. I was taught this by my mother (who had a perfect, dead daughter). I tried so hard to be perfect, but it was never enough. I was taught this by Nick, who had a perfect, dead girlfriend.... with whom I was always compared, but didn't have the genetics to compete with. But, oh lord, I tried so hard, so fucking hard, to be perfect. And my marriage ended anyway, becauae I was not whats-her-name.
Now, again, I am trying to be perfect. To always look my best, to never ever be disagreeable, to never cry, or complain, to pressure.... to be the best friend and lover I can.... but its not enough. And it wont be. I'm just too easy. I'm no trouble. I'm such a nice girl, so sweet. No one wants a nice girl.
The thing is, I think - in spite of the occasional toughness I pretend, I really am a genuinely nice girl. And I want someone who brings that out, who treasures it, and who loves me, I want to be "someones" nice girl. I want someone who will think of me as 'his'.
I promised I would wait until after the thesis. The thesis is tomorrow morning.
If he doesnt step up, if it doesnt change, if he doesnt begin to invest in this, I need to walk away. Because I think I deserve more than this. Being alone is bad, but being with someone for a year.... and still always feeling awkward, always feeling lonely... this isnt what I want.
So how do I know when its enough, when to give up, and when to walk away?
Saturday, June 30, 2007
(Part 2) Why do you love ME?
There are five ways to ask the question; why do you love me?
There is to wit:
1. WHY do you love me?
2. Why DO you love me?
3. Why do YOU love me?
4. Why do you LOVE me?
and finally,
5. Why do you love ME?
In the last blog entry, I answered question number 1. Ale wasn't quite satisfied with my response, so I am going to assume that this was not exactly what he meant when he asked me.
Now, number 1 and 2 are redundant, number 3 is out of the question.... and 4 and 5 are similiar enough that I am going to take a swipe at this.
Beyond the obvious and previously stated answers that he is a fine person, kind and gentle and smart.... (there are lots of people who fit this description whom I don't love)....
I like who I am when I am with him. I like (usually) the reflection of myself I see in his eyes.
Its about me. When I am with him, I am gentler, softer, and sweeter. He's good for me. His presence in my life makes me a better person.
There are new things here that I have never encountered before... an equality that I'd not experienced, and a respectfulness that is new to me.
Most of all, there is, for me, a spiritual connection at times that frees me in a way that i cannot put into words. It is as if we are children, and we are playing together, and when we connect like this.... if feels so incredibly right, so comfortable, and so happy, and I never want to lose that.
There is something about him that is making me willing to stay and be calm and wait for a while. Because somewhere, underneath all my doubt and fear I think this could be a great love.
There is to wit:
1. WHY do you love me?
2. Why DO you love me?
3. Why do YOU love me?
4. Why do you LOVE me?
and finally,
5. Why do you love ME?
In the last blog entry, I answered question number 1. Ale wasn't quite satisfied with my response, so I am going to assume that this was not exactly what he meant when he asked me.
Now, number 1 and 2 are redundant, number 3 is out of the question.... and 4 and 5 are similiar enough that I am going to take a swipe at this.
Beyond the obvious and previously stated answers that he is a fine person, kind and gentle and smart.... (there are lots of people who fit this description whom I don't love)....
I like who I am when I am with him. I like (usually) the reflection of myself I see in his eyes.
Its about me. When I am with him, I am gentler, softer, and sweeter. He's good for me. His presence in my life makes me a better person.
There are new things here that I have never encountered before... an equality that I'd not experienced, and a respectfulness that is new to me.
Most of all, there is, for me, a spiritual connection at times that frees me in a way that i cannot put into words. It is as if we are children, and we are playing together, and when we connect like this.... if feels so incredibly right, so comfortable, and so happy, and I never want to lose that.
There is something about him that is making me willing to stay and be calm and wait for a while. Because somewhere, underneath all my doubt and fear I think this could be a great love.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Why do you love me?
The other night we were celebrating Ale's birthday. As is our wont, we killed a bottle of wine, which seems to take down many of our language barriers... and we talked.
Then Ale asked me "Why do you love me?" I responded with what my wine infused brain thought at the time... which was, essentially that I find him kind, I respect him, and because my body and soul tells me to. He is loveable.
But - the question stayed with me.... because this is a very serious question.
The short answer, and the most accurate answer is "Because I CHOOSE to". It is a choice I make in spite of my fear that he may not know that love is a choice - or my even deeper fear that it is one he will not or cannot choose. I choose it even while living in a deep and secret dread that I am not, ultimately, loveable, and that no one will ever really love me... (and I wonder if this too isnt just part of the human condition - to never feel worthy of love....)
His question itself led me back to the primary question. Do I really love him? (Because this is, I think, the question he was really asking...) The problem is that we have never discussed what actually constitutes love. I do not even know if we are working on the same definition of love.
Then Ale asked me "Why do you love me?" I responded with what my wine infused brain thought at the time... which was, essentially that I find him kind, I respect him, and because my body and soul tells me to. He is loveable.
But - the question stayed with me.... because this is a very serious question.
The short answer, and the most accurate answer is "Because I CHOOSE to". It is a choice I make in spite of my fear that he may not know that love is a choice - or my even deeper fear that it is one he will not or cannot choose. I choose it even while living in a deep and secret dread that I am not, ultimately, loveable, and that no one will ever really love me... (and I wonder if this too isnt just part of the human condition - to never feel worthy of love....)
His question itself led me back to the primary question. Do I really love him? (Because this is, I think, the question he was really asking...) The problem is that we have never discussed what actually constitutes love. I do not even know if we are working on the same definition of love.
love(lv)
n.
1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
3. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
Every single dictionary I looked at gave this same generic answer. If a lawyer asked me, based on the dictionary definition of love - "Do you love this man?" - clearly the answer is yes. I imagine, based on this deinintion, his answer would also be yes.
Is love itself so simple? Yes.... it is. And it's not. Because attached to this simple and very clear feeling is the concept of "want". Along with romantic love is the concept of commitment, of what comes next? What happens when the passion fades? What happens if the time comes when the desire vanishes, and the fights begin, and the person you loved becomes someone else, someone you hate? What if you think you really love someone, but you are wrong?
Broken hearts are as inevitable as death. You can love someone all the days of your life, but eventually, someone dies, and someones heart is broken. There is only one way to avoid a broken heart, and that is to choose not to love at all. A broken heart means you are human, in the best sense, and that you have tried to live your life keeping your heart open, and soft, and vulnerable.
This is where the dictionary becomes useless... because, in the dictionary, love is a noun. And love is not a noun. It is a verb. It is an action, it is a choice, it is something in movement, and it is a living thing. At its greatest, it is a commitment two people make to each other - to protect and nurture that love and each other, to protect that state of oneness that love can bring.
So? Do I love you? With the limited information I have, yes. You share my bed, you share my time, but you do not share your life with me. I love you to the depth you have allowed, and perhaps just a little bit further.
Why do I love you? Because your spirit called to mine, and mine responded. When I am with you, I experience a sense of peace and oneness. I am happy when I am around you. You make my world a better place, just for being in it.
Is this forever? I don't know. It is a decision that we will make when the time comes for decisions of that sort. I can only tell you that if the time ever comes when I decide to give you my whole heart - and you decide to give me yours - your heart would have no safer home than with mine.
My love to you is freely given, to the best of my ability and to the depth it is allowed. I cannot make you love me, any more than I can make the sun rise in the morning. More - I do not want to "make" you do anything. All things must come in their own time.
I want your love, yes - but love must be freely given - because this is the nature of all things sacred.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Love is Difficult
It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation...
Rainer Maria Rilke
Letters to a Young Poet
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
In Defense of Marriage
The subject of marriage seems to be appearing everywhere I look these days. My friends marriage is on the rocks. Her husband believes I left my marriage on a whim - and thus doesn't want me around. I am still struggling with the legacy of my failed marriage... and trying to figure out what it all means; especially as I am in the situation of neither being married nor being divorced at the moment.
Some friends of mine are getting married in a couple of weeks. Ale and I are invited to the wedding, which he doesn't really want to attend because he "doesn't believe in marriage"
Now, first of all - my suspicion about Ale is that he is committment phobic to begin with. He has a problem committing to Saturday night, and he only commits when I make it clear that he's got to - and that it is for really practical reasons. Using the word love in a sentence makes his throat close up. Making a plan past the coming weekend is really hard on him.
Despite his commitment phobias, I really respect Ale, I wanted his idea's on this. I was hoping for something deep and profound.... because he really is capable of depth and profundity.
Unfortunately, in this case.... it was clear that he hadn't REALLY thought about it, or he was unable to articulate it clearly, because what he said was the same bullshit our culture feeds people about marriage these days.
"Most marriages end up in divorce; forever is nonsense because people eventually die anyway; people should stay together because it is a choice, not because of a piece of paper".
He had the good manners not to add "I haven't found the right woman" or "How could you resign yourself to only fuck one person for the rest of your life" - but, it goes with the rest of the argument. :)
I asked him about his parents marriage - which has been a long one, to which he replied "They would probably have gotten divorced, but you didn't do that in the 1960's and 70's". I forgot to ask him what he thinks would have become of his father if they had....
Ale is not particularly at fault in his beliefs about this. Aside from his general avoidance of commitment - which certainly does bug the fuck out of me, he is parroting our modern understanding of marriage. We have all become so cynical, so afraid - and our public media loves to report the statistics of marital failure, or how men get taken to he cleaners, of how no one wants marriage anymore. However, we don't hear about the successes, the longer life spans, the increased wealth of both parties, the higher life satisfaction, the better lives - the happy people. Happy people aren't interesting.
I don't believe in our modern understanding of marriage either. We have created out of marriage a system of economics, and we consider our marriages to be as disposable as our clothing. Our modern concpetion of marriage completely misses the point, and is a complete misunderstanding of what marriage is, and why.
Our world has become so secular and so rational that there is no longer room for the sacramental. It is the tragedy of our generation. The religious bigots stole the sacraments and all that makes life sacred, right out from under us, and the only sane response is to renounce all that is mystical, all that is sacramental... leaving us with secular humanism at best, or with a deep and ugly cynicism at worst.
Marriage is a sacrament. To say you don't believe in marriage is as nonsensical as saying you don't believe in naming your children, or giving your parents a funeral. We have very few major public sacraments in a lifetime; our naming day, our wedding day, our funeral. Our baptismal day - we are too young to remember. Our funeral, well - we cannot join the fun. Our weddings are the only time in our lives that all the people we love best in the world are with us, to wish us all the best - and its the only public sacrament where you can dance!
Some friends of mine are getting married in a couple of weeks. Ale and I are invited to the wedding, which he doesn't really want to attend because he "doesn't believe in marriage"
Now, first of all - my suspicion about Ale is that he is committment phobic to begin with. He has a problem committing to Saturday night, and he only commits when I make it clear that he's got to - and that it is for really practical reasons. Using the word love in a sentence makes his throat close up. Making a plan past the coming weekend is really hard on him.
Despite his commitment phobias, I really respect Ale, I wanted his idea's on this. I was hoping for something deep and profound.... because he really is capable of depth and profundity.
Unfortunately, in this case.... it was clear that he hadn't REALLY thought about it, or he was unable to articulate it clearly, because what he said was the same bullshit our culture feeds people about marriage these days.
"Most marriages end up in divorce; forever is nonsense because people eventually die anyway; people should stay together because it is a choice, not because of a piece of paper".
He had the good manners not to add "I haven't found the right woman" or "How could you resign yourself to only fuck one person for the rest of your life" - but, it goes with the rest of the argument. :)
I asked him about his parents marriage - which has been a long one, to which he replied "They would probably have gotten divorced, but you didn't do that in the 1960's and 70's". I forgot to ask him what he thinks would have become of his father if they had....
Ale is not particularly at fault in his beliefs about this. Aside from his general avoidance of commitment - which certainly does bug the fuck out of me, he is parroting our modern understanding of marriage. We have all become so cynical, so afraid - and our public media loves to report the statistics of marital failure, or how men get taken to he cleaners, of how no one wants marriage anymore. However, we don't hear about the successes, the longer life spans, the increased wealth of both parties, the higher life satisfaction, the better lives - the happy people. Happy people aren't interesting.
I don't believe in our modern understanding of marriage either. We have created out of marriage a system of economics, and we consider our marriages to be as disposable as our clothing. Our modern concpetion of marriage completely misses the point, and is a complete misunderstanding of what marriage is, and why.
Our world has become so secular and so rational that there is no longer room for the sacramental. It is the tragedy of our generation. The religious bigots stole the sacraments and all that makes life sacred, right out from under us, and the only sane response is to renounce all that is mystical, all that is sacramental... leaving us with secular humanism at best, or with a deep and ugly cynicism at worst.
Marriage is a sacrament. To say you don't believe in marriage is as nonsensical as saying you don't believe in naming your children, or giving your parents a funeral. We have very few major public sacraments in a lifetime; our naming day, our wedding day, our funeral. Our baptismal day - we are too young to remember. Our funeral, well - we cannot join the fun. Our weddings are the only time in our lives that all the people we love best in the world are with us, to wish us all the best - and its the only public sacrament where you can dance!
sacrament
c.1175, from O.Fr. sacrament (12c.), from L. sacramentum "a consecrating," from sacrare "to consecrate" (see sacred); a Church Latin loan-translation of Gk. mysterion "mystery."
When you get married, it doesn't matter if you believe that marriage is a sacrament. Most people who get married don't seem to comprehend that its a form of magic... you really ARE consecrated at this point. So, people enter for the reasons of paperwork, or with the idea that they can always get out of it... with thier eyes closed, or fingers crossed... but they are just as married. They just pretty much guarentee a bad ending. Because, you don't FUCK AROUND with magic.
In marriage, you consecrate yourselves to each other. You remain yourself, yet become more. You promise to dedicate yourself to each other, and to strive in all things to make each other happy. It is the only sacrament we have where we can recreate ourselves, our relationships, our families - and strive for something greater, outside ourselves - by creating a new thing. We create a family - we dedicate and sacrifice ourselves, and in doing so - we grow in ways that we cannot otherwise grow. It is not the same as living together... and it transends romantic love.
Its a pretty wonderful thing.
These are the vows I took - I held to them, sometimes joyfully - sometimes not. But I understood them as a sacrament, and was bound by the committment I made.
WITH this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow: In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.
I also promised to love, cherish and obey. I did my best, and I was a very good wife. I really liked the "with my body I thee worship" part....
I liked being married. I liked being dedicated to something outside of myself. I entered it with a full understanding of what I was saying, doing, and promising. I'm sorry my marriage ended, and I wish that Nick had not screwed with the magic by believing that he could be unmarried just because he didn't mean what he said.... because he still was married, but he missed out on much that could have been great, and didn't appreciate what he had until it was gone. But, even though the ending was so sad, I am not sorry I did it. It made me a better person. I can't even say the marriage was a failure - only that sometimes, things end - despite your best intentions.
This is not to say that I want to be married anytime soon. To say never would be a lie... but I believe in marriage. I believe in the sacramental. When I love someone, it is a sacrament. When I make love - at its best, it is a sacrament. I am at my best when I live a sacrametal life and try and remember that I live in a sacramental world. I think this is true of all people.... and its sad to me that we live in a world where the bad guys have grabbed all that is holy, and left the rest of us so bereft of our beliefs in magic.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Optimism
Ale and I were talking about our relationship one day.
He asked me why I wasn't an optimist.
Here is the sad truth: I don't think I can afford optimism.
It is somehow easier for me to live in the unhappiness of always expecting the worst, than to believe everything is ok - everything is great, and then have that shown to me as a delusion. That almost killed me once, and I don't think I can live through it again.
I think I need to look really hard at this. This is not something I care to teach my little boy.
He asked me why I wasn't an optimist.
Here is the sad truth: I don't think I can afford optimism.
It is somehow easier for me to live in the unhappiness of always expecting the worst, than to believe everything is ok - everything is great, and then have that shown to me as a delusion. That almost killed me once, and I don't think I can live through it again.
I think I need to look really hard at this. This is not something I care to teach my little boy.
"An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be.”
Monday, June 11, 2007
changing cognitive states
Are feelings thoughts? Because these days, I am having very sad thoughts, and very lonely feelings, and unlike higher intellectual pursuits, I don't really know how to "change my mind".
I know that thoughts create reality. I know that my experience of reality is largely formed by the things I think nd feel.... but I am never sure what comes first; chicken or the egg. Am I in a relationship that is never going to go anywhere, or am I creating a situation, through my beliefs - where I will only see something "wrong" when everything is just as it should be?
OR.... are my beliefs causing me to select people where a future is simply not possible? Am I finding ways to repeat a past situation in hopes of finding a different outcome (or simply to confirm deeply held beliefs?) AND, if I change my mind, do I get a different outcome? (I guess it depends on if I have chosen someone who cannot love me, or if my negative thoughts are creating a situation where love will not thrive.... or if I am simply percieving it thusly)
Are you confused yet? Welcome to my world. Living inside my head is a real joy ride.
Here is the current situation - or rather my perceptions of the current situation.
I am currently involved with Alessio, and have been for nearly a year. He is wonderful, and I like him so much. We compliment each other, in both our strengths and weaknesses. We are both, in many ways, children. Touching his body is like touching my own. I feel like this could be my best friend, and that we could have an incredible journey together.
I wake up thinking of him, and I fall asleep thinking of him.... and I always wish he were here with me.
The problem is he is holding out on me. He is careful of his independance, and is afraid to lose it. He is very deliberate about relationships, weighing all very carefully. I have given him my heart, but I do not have his in return (leaving me heartless?)
This is, of course, completely freaking me out. It is a replay of so much of my life, where I have loved with my whole heart, but have not felt loved in return. I know the price of ultimatums - of forcing this issue. Nick gave me false compliance - and maybe he really DID love me; but the fact that he was forced to it made him always doubt it. So, he stayed with me, with his fingers crossed.
Sometimes Ale thinks he loves me. But he is not really sure. I don't know why he is not sure.... mostly because he fears that love is a forever commitment I think. And he is not sure that I am the right woman for a forever commitment.
Part of me is grateful that one of us is thinking this through, being cautious and being careful. I do not need another train wreck in my life.
On the other hand, I have all this love to give - but I need reciprocity. I say "I love you", and sometimes I see joy in his eyes, and sometimes I see terror - but I feel like I am in this love affair all by myself, and it hurts and I hate it. Being lonely in love is a terrible thing... and here I am again!
But, am I choosing this? Of course I am choosing this. I must be choosing it, or I wouldnt be in this recurrent theme. How do I choose something else?
For comparison and contrast, life brought Lisandro back - someone who I loved before I was ready - someone who I probably selected because a future was not possible. We had lunch and hung out yesterday.... and there is no question that this is someone who loves me... and who I will always treasure.
This is not a question of "who" to choose, or of going back to Lisandro... we are temprementally too different, and I am done hurting each other - we have done that enough. The issue is more about what it feels like when someone really does love you. If feels good... even though, in this case, it is sad because it wont work.
I want that from Ale. I want to know I am loved. I want the possibilty of a future. I hate the feeling of being held out on. I hate the feeling of lonliness when I say "I love you", and he can't say it back.
If I change my mind, can I change his heart? How much of this am I causing by my beliefs? Or have I simply, yet again, chosen someone who cannot love me?
Seriously, the whole "cat lady" scenario is sounding better and better, all the time.
I know that thoughts create reality. I know that my experience of reality is largely formed by the things I think nd feel.... but I am never sure what comes first; chicken or the egg. Am I in a relationship that is never going to go anywhere, or am I creating a situation, through my beliefs - where I will only see something "wrong" when everything is just as it should be?
OR.... are my beliefs causing me to select people where a future is simply not possible? Am I finding ways to repeat a past situation in hopes of finding a different outcome (or simply to confirm deeply held beliefs?) AND, if I change my mind, do I get a different outcome? (I guess it depends on if I have chosen someone who cannot love me, or if my negative thoughts are creating a situation where love will not thrive.... or if I am simply percieving it thusly)
Are you confused yet? Welcome to my world. Living inside my head is a real joy ride.
Here is the current situation - or rather my perceptions of the current situation.
I am currently involved with Alessio, and have been for nearly a year. He is wonderful, and I like him so much. We compliment each other, in both our strengths and weaknesses. We are both, in many ways, children. Touching his body is like touching my own. I feel like this could be my best friend, and that we could have an incredible journey together.
I wake up thinking of him, and I fall asleep thinking of him.... and I always wish he were here with me.
The problem is he is holding out on me. He is careful of his independance, and is afraid to lose it. He is very deliberate about relationships, weighing all very carefully. I have given him my heart, but I do not have his in return (leaving me heartless?)
This is, of course, completely freaking me out. It is a replay of so much of my life, where I have loved with my whole heart, but have not felt loved in return. I know the price of ultimatums - of forcing this issue. Nick gave me false compliance - and maybe he really DID love me; but the fact that he was forced to it made him always doubt it. So, he stayed with me, with his fingers crossed.
Sometimes Ale thinks he loves me. But he is not really sure. I don't know why he is not sure.... mostly because he fears that love is a forever commitment I think. And he is not sure that I am the right woman for a forever commitment.
Part of me is grateful that one of us is thinking this through, being cautious and being careful. I do not need another train wreck in my life.
On the other hand, I have all this love to give - but I need reciprocity. I say "I love you", and sometimes I see joy in his eyes, and sometimes I see terror - but I feel like I am in this love affair all by myself, and it hurts and I hate it. Being lonely in love is a terrible thing... and here I am again!
But, am I choosing this? Of course I am choosing this. I must be choosing it, or I wouldnt be in this recurrent theme. How do I choose something else?
For comparison and contrast, life brought Lisandro back - someone who I loved before I was ready - someone who I probably selected because a future was not possible. We had lunch and hung out yesterday.... and there is no question that this is someone who loves me... and who I will always treasure.
This is not a question of "who" to choose, or of going back to Lisandro... we are temprementally too different, and I am done hurting each other - we have done that enough. The issue is more about what it feels like when someone really does love you. If feels good... even though, in this case, it is sad because it wont work.
I want that from Ale. I want to know I am loved. I want the possibilty of a future. I hate the feeling of being held out on. I hate the feeling of lonliness when I say "I love you", and he can't say it back.
If I change my mind, can I change his heart? How much of this am I causing by my beliefs? Or have I simply, yet again, chosen someone who cannot love me?
Seriously, the whole "cat lady" scenario is sounding better and better, all the time.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Siesmic Shifting
Even though I am right in the middle of some of the nastiest blues I have experienced in quite some time, I think that I am - ultimately an opitimist. Or at least an idealist.
I believe in such things as true love, soul mates, magic. I believe in tribes and families and home. I think that people can love for a lifetime, and that true joy and happiness are real possibilities.
I also think that maybe I have a few intimacy issues, and I choose others who have the same.
My friends (male friends - I might add) - who occasionally talk me through me relationship woes, always get to the point - "What do you WANT"? If I tell you, please don't laugh at me, because it sounds really really stupid.
I want to love and to be loved, in somewhat equal measure. I want to be with someone who feels like he is my home.
Truth be told though, I think that this will never happen, because I think if thats what I really wanted, thats exactly what I would have. Maybe next life? Are all my love affairs this time round going to be "almost, but not quite?" I've been greatly loved, by people who I just couldn't love enough in return. I have loved greatly, but only people who are just not quite... available.
What happens when an optimist runs out of hope?
The maddening, infuriating thing about the current romantic speactacular is this: On those few occasions, where we really touch - I feel like I have woken up. And then I am furious, because I don't WANT to go back to sleep.
I know the rain clouds will eventually disperse, and I will find myself again. But I don't have time for this sad stuff right now... it's a luxury I cannot afford. This happens EVERY time Nick comes to visit. He leaves, and I feel like my soul has just been sucked out again. I hate myself, my life, and I doubt everyone and everything in it.
Perhaps I should go back on anti-depressants, just for when he is here.
I believe in such things as true love, soul mates, magic. I believe in tribes and families and home. I think that people can love for a lifetime, and that true joy and happiness are real possibilities.
I also think that maybe I have a few intimacy issues, and I choose others who have the same.
My friends (male friends - I might add) - who occasionally talk me through me relationship woes, always get to the point - "What do you WANT"? If I tell you, please don't laugh at me, because it sounds really really stupid.
I want to love and to be loved, in somewhat equal measure. I want to be with someone who feels like he is my home.
Truth be told though, I think that this will never happen, because I think if thats what I really wanted, thats exactly what I would have. Maybe next life? Are all my love affairs this time round going to be "almost, but not quite?" I've been greatly loved, by people who I just couldn't love enough in return. I have loved greatly, but only people who are just not quite... available.
What happens when an optimist runs out of hope?
The maddening, infuriating thing about the current romantic speactacular is this: On those few occasions, where we really touch - I feel like I have woken up. And then I am furious, because I don't WANT to go back to sleep.
I know the rain clouds will eventually disperse, and I will find myself again. But I don't have time for this sad stuff right now... it's a luxury I cannot afford. This happens EVERY time Nick comes to visit. He leaves, and I feel like my soul has just been sucked out again. I hate myself, my life, and I doubt everyone and everything in it.
Perhaps I should go back on anti-depressants, just for when he is here.
Monday, May 28, 2007
On Being an Ice Princess
For some reason, its been a troubling week or so for me. My mind is running at full bore, refusing to be disciplined, refusing to concentrate at given tasks that I need to do. Sometimes this is just neurosis, but sometimes it means I need to pay attention. Often, I am avoiding something important, and becoming upset with situations that have little or nothing to do with what is actually "wrong".
A few weeks ago, while playing in the personal dramas inside my mind, Mama'Laine said something important to me. She said... and I paraphrase, that I cannot really begin something new until I have resolved the old things that are running my life. In this case, she was speaking of Nick. That somehow, I need to come to terms with the dissoulution of my marriage, and for the sake of Spike - we need to be friends.
She accused me of being outraged. Of being angry. But - I swear, my anger is not the cause of my behavior. When I am angry, I'm pretty loud. What I am is this: I'm frozen.
Freezing is what I do when I am afraid. I go cold. I turn to stone. I become an ice princess. Remote, arrogant, immovable. From the outside, its very fearsome - like the way a cat, when threatened, can double in size by puffing out its fur.
When I was younger, this was my perpetual state. I remember the first time I was told that others believed I was arrogant and cold - and how shocked I was. Because I was never really arrogant, I didn't have that much self-esteem. What I was was simply terrified. Fortunately, I rarely treat strangers this way any more - I save it now for people I care about.
I even know the origin of this. Blame Simon and Garfunkel.
Now, only a rather romantic teenager could adopt this as a life philosophy. But adopt it I did. It got me through ages 11 and 12 and 13 and 14 - all the way into 44. And bless me, it worked. It kept me safe. I stayed behind my walls, and I felt nothing, for a very long time.
Sometimes, someone would catch me off guard, and they could come in - but for the most part, I stayed numb and frozen. I did learn to love, but it took a lot to gain my trust. I did make friends, but honestly - they were only guards whom I trusted to protect the fortress walls.
Then, I met Elaine and Rhoberta. Slowly - ever so slowly, I came out of my tower, and mostly I got better. I stopped being always afraid of everyone and everything... I started making genuine freindships that weren't between the adored princess and trusty servant.
But, when I am afraid, I go to my tower and I hide. I go numb. I become imperious and demanding and cold, and unapproachable. What can I say? It works.
But you know what happens if you are an ice princess? You can't MOVE. You're STUCK. It's uncomfortable. Nothing changes.
Now - why am I so afraid of Nick? Well - he betrayed my trust. He rescued the princess in the tower, but he did it not for true love, but simply to get the jewelry. He hurt me as much as any other human ever has, and more than I will ever allow another human to do again. (thats a pretty promise now... isn't it?) It's NOT about the anger. If I wasn't frozen, I could process the anger. It isn't about the outrage... though his actions were pretty outrageous.
Its really about the fear that I trusted him once, and he nearly shattered me - and if I let him in, even an inch, he might find a way to do it again. He has proven himself dangerous, as well as disloyal and untrustworthy. I'm not sure how to keep myself safe, and still let him back into my life... it is better to feel nothing at all... unless... unless... unless.....
I change the paradigm. I re-imagine the mythology. I find a better philosophy than one written for an adolescent girl.
I know what I NEED to do, but I do not know where to find the courage. I need to allow myself to remember, that despite the fact that he is a complete fuck, I did like him once upon a time. The fact that he was a complete fuck wasn't hidden from my view for the entire 18 odd years that I loved him... I knew he was a jerk, and I loved him anyway. He has many good qualities, in and amongst his dysfunctional and narcississtic personality disorders. We were, even when I was an imaginary princess - really truly freinds (or I think we must have been....)
He's smart. He is capable of stunning acts of kindness. He really cares about things that are paramount to me; social justice, helping the helpless, the plight of the worlds children - and most importantly - he cares about our son.
Somehow, I need to be able to look at him again, and remember and value the things about him that are really truely admirable, and have compassion for all the places he is broken and unhealed.... and somehow let this soften and open my heart, instead of freezing it and making it smaller.
Because as much as I like it, being a princess in a tower just isnt working anymore. It still hurts. I don't feel safe, no matter how high these walls are, no matter how many guards are at the door. And living in a tower isnt really a life anyway, not when I need to move on and see the rest of the world.
A few weeks ago, while playing in the personal dramas inside my mind, Mama'Laine said something important to me. She said... and I paraphrase, that I cannot really begin something new until I have resolved the old things that are running my life. In this case, she was speaking of Nick. That somehow, I need to come to terms with the dissoulution of my marriage, and for the sake of Spike - we need to be friends.
She accused me of being outraged. Of being angry. But - I swear, my anger is not the cause of my behavior. When I am angry, I'm pretty loud. What I am is this: I'm frozen.
Freezing is what I do when I am afraid. I go cold. I turn to stone. I become an ice princess. Remote, arrogant, immovable. From the outside, its very fearsome - like the way a cat, when threatened, can double in size by puffing out its fur.
When I was younger, this was my perpetual state. I remember the first time I was told that others believed I was arrogant and cold - and how shocked I was. Because I was never really arrogant, I didn't have that much self-esteem. What I was was simply terrified. Fortunately, I rarely treat strangers this way any more - I save it now for people I care about.
I even know the origin of this. Blame Simon and Garfunkel.
A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window
to the streets below
On a freshly fallen
silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock, I am an island.
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship;
friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.I am a rock, I am an island.
Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber
of feelings that have died.
If I never loved
I never would have cried.
I am a rock,I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry
to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room,
safe within my womb.
I touch no one and
no one touches me.
Iam a rock,
Iam an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
Now, only a rather romantic teenager could adopt this as a life philosophy. But adopt it I did. It got me through ages 11 and 12 and 13 and 14 - all the way into 44. And bless me, it worked. It kept me safe. I stayed behind my walls, and I felt nothing, for a very long time.
Sometimes, someone would catch me off guard, and they could come in - but for the most part, I stayed numb and frozen. I did learn to love, but it took a lot to gain my trust. I did make friends, but honestly - they were only guards whom I trusted to protect the fortress walls.
Then, I met Elaine and Rhoberta. Slowly - ever so slowly, I came out of my tower, and mostly I got better. I stopped being always afraid of everyone and everything... I started making genuine freindships that weren't between the adored princess and trusty servant.
But, when I am afraid, I go to my tower and I hide. I go numb. I become imperious and demanding and cold, and unapproachable. What can I say? It works.
But you know what happens if you are an ice princess? You can't MOVE. You're STUCK. It's uncomfortable. Nothing changes.
Now - why am I so afraid of Nick? Well - he betrayed my trust. He rescued the princess in the tower, but he did it not for true love, but simply to get the jewelry. He hurt me as much as any other human ever has, and more than I will ever allow another human to do again. (thats a pretty promise now... isn't it?) It's NOT about the anger. If I wasn't frozen, I could process the anger. It isn't about the outrage... though his actions were pretty outrageous.
Its really about the fear that I trusted him once, and he nearly shattered me - and if I let him in, even an inch, he might find a way to do it again. He has proven himself dangerous, as well as disloyal and untrustworthy. I'm not sure how to keep myself safe, and still let him back into my life... it is better to feel nothing at all... unless... unless... unless.....
I change the paradigm. I re-imagine the mythology. I find a better philosophy than one written for an adolescent girl.
I know what I NEED to do, but I do not know where to find the courage. I need to allow myself to remember, that despite the fact that he is a complete fuck, I did like him once upon a time. The fact that he was a complete fuck wasn't hidden from my view for the entire 18 odd years that I loved him... I knew he was a jerk, and I loved him anyway. He has many good qualities, in and amongst his dysfunctional and narcississtic personality disorders. We were, even when I was an imaginary princess - really truly freinds (or I think we must have been....)
He's smart. He is capable of stunning acts of kindness. He really cares about things that are paramount to me; social justice, helping the helpless, the plight of the worlds children - and most importantly - he cares about our son.
Somehow, I need to be able to look at him again, and remember and value the things about him that are really truely admirable, and have compassion for all the places he is broken and unhealed.... and somehow let this soften and open my heart, instead of freezing it and making it smaller.
Because as much as I like it, being a princess in a tower just isnt working anymore. It still hurts. I don't feel safe, no matter how high these walls are, no matter how many guards are at the door. And living in a tower isnt really a life anyway, not when I need to move on and see the rest of the world.