When you commit to what you are getting, the effect is interesting. Because, you suddenly SEE what you are getting. You see it without the layers of what might be, and it is both enlightening and sobering.
I'm falling out of love.
Honestly, thats not what I really hoped for. My hopes involved someone as interested in having a real, deep, profound relationship with someone who was just as interested.
Thats not what I am getting, and now that I have stripped away what could be - and am looking at what is, it has lost its shine. I'm really sad about it, but I don't want love to be a one way street.
So, I've taken my love off the table. My beloved doesn't know if he wants my love, and that isn't good enough.
Dating him is great - he's fun. Sleeping with him is spectacular... our spirits dance like dolphins. Speaking with him is nice, because he holds very different points of view, but is open.
But - I cannot love him enough for two... one person being fed while the other goes hungry isn't right, and no amount of expensive dinners and nice companionship can make up for what isn't there.
It's a shame. I want to love him. But I don't want to love alone.
2 comments:
P.S.
"I am committed to being uncertain that I am lovable. I am commited to the idea that no one will ever REALLY love me."
That statement, that issue has to be transformed by you. You are lovable, and you have to get to the truth of that fact. It's not about belief. That was never about belief. Your mother invented the lie that unlovability was believable in the first place, and used it to manipulate, control and eke out her own weird revenge on you. But it was never true.
And that's that.
From Steve:
The only thing I would add is this: Please remember that we all only do what we're capable of doing. And that our capabilities grow with time. And that they grow faster when someone who loves us stands by us.
So, while you could grow capable of seeing his true love for you, he could grow capable of expressing more of himself.
Never forget, darling, that you are a princess, a lightning bolt, an avatar of self-expression. Being your lover (much like being your friend, I imagine) takes time to grow into. Confronted with the specter of complete communication, those of us trained in the non-communicative, denial-embracing world are, at first, a little daunted.
Just tossing one in for his benefit. He makes you so happy...I hate to see this fade due to a misunderstanding. If you've committed to what you're getting, then follow it through until you see what you've truly got.
(It's okay to hate me now. We're sisters.)
Love you.
Post a Comment