The beginning of the end

I must give Ale credit... he always starts the relationship talks, and is usually honest,

He asked what I thought our future was, because he still didn't see one. He would love it to be causal forever.... and I was clear that I don't know what the future is, and that I would be happy if we could be together in the present.

It's not you babe....

Bottom line, I am not the one he wants to be with. His feelings for me are not strong, and he doesn't love me. He has feelings of love for me, now and again.... but I'm not "it".

Part of this is a kind of immature notion of love - the belief that we have that love is a static state bestowed by the magic fairies of love, rather than a living breathing thing of its own - that you nourish and nurture. This immature notion of love is why most people fail at love.... because Venus, being the perverse goddess she is, withdraws - and most people cannot sustain their love once the magic fairies depart.

Ale, along with most people, do not understand; All lovers have mixed feelings. Some days you love, some days you don't, some days you just hate each other. And the difference between a sustainable love and one that is driven by hormones is simply "intention".

My intention is to love, to the best of my ability someone who is dear to me. His intention is to stay while the sex is good. And, knowing this is wrong, he is withdrawing further, and this is no longer sustainable.

I am so sad. When he and I are together, and it is good - I am so much a better person. He has, and this relationship has, the capacity to bring me such joy.

Being a witch sucks, because you can always see the possible futures - and in one possible future, we bring each other joy and love all the days of our life.... but most of the possible futures take us to where we are headed now.... regretfully, to an end.

The suckiest thing about being able to see the possible futures is this: you have no real way, especially in matters of love, to effect the outcome by yourself. When there are 2 people, both need to be in accord, and he doesn't know what he wants.

He is sad, and confused, and is having internal struggles in his life, and in his relationship with me. The timing couldnt be worse, and if tomorrow were not my birthday, I would put us both out of our misery now.

But, I don't want to spend tomorrow alone, and I do not wish to face Nick alone. But - this is the problem with our whole relationship; most of the time, he is just a body. I am alone, even when we are together.

Here is the agreement we have come to; For the next few weeks we will stay together. We will love each other as best we can. If nothing changes, we part.

Then, I can be alone by myself - which is better, I suppose, than feeling alone when you are with someone.