In Defense of Marriage

The subject of marriage seems to be appearing everywhere I look these days. My friends marriage is on the rocks. Her husband believes I left my marriage on a whim - and thus doesn't want me around. I am still struggling with the legacy of my failed marriage... and trying to figure out what it all means; especially as I am in the situation of neither being married nor being divorced at the moment.

Some friends of mine are getting married in a couple of weeks. Ale and I are invited to the wedding, which he doesn't really want to attend because he "doesn't believe in marriage"

Now, first of all - my suspicion about Ale is that he is committment phobic to begin with. He has a problem committing to Saturday night, and he only commits when I make it clear that he's got to - and that it is for really practical reasons. Using the word love in a sentence makes his throat close up. Making a plan past the coming weekend is really hard on him.

Despite his commitment phobias, I really respect Ale, I wanted his idea's on this. I was hoping for something deep and profound.... because he really is capable of depth and profundity.

Unfortunately, in this case.... it was clear that he hadn't REALLY thought about it, or he was unable to articulate it clearly, because what he said was the same bullshit our culture feeds people about marriage these days.

"Most marriages end up in divorce; forever is nonsense because people eventually die anyway; people should stay together because it is a choice, not because of a piece of paper".

He had the good manners not to add "I haven't found the right woman" or "How could you resign yourself to only fuck one person for the rest of your life" - but, it goes with the rest of the argument. :)

I asked him about his parents marriage - which has been a long one, to which he replied "They would probably have gotten divorced, but you didn't do that in the 1960's and 70's". I forgot to ask him what he thinks would have become of his father if they had....

Ale is not particularly at fault in his beliefs about this. Aside from his general avoidance of commitment - which certainly does bug the fuck out of me, he is parroting our modern understanding of marriage. We have all become so cynical, so afraid - and our public media loves to report the statistics of marital failure, or how men get taken to he cleaners, of how no one wants marriage anymore. However, we don't hear about the successes, the longer life spans, the increased wealth of both parties, the higher life satisfaction, the better lives - the happy people. Happy people aren't interesting.

I don't believe in our modern understanding of marriage either. We have created out of marriage a system of economics, and we consider our marriages to be as disposable as our clothing. Our modern concpetion of marriage completely misses the point, and is a complete misunderstanding of what marriage is, and why.

Our world has become so secular and so rational that there is no longer room for the sacramental. It is the tragedy of our generation. The religious bigots stole the sacraments and all that makes life sacred, right out from under us, and the only sane response is to renounce all that is mystical, all that is sacramental... leaving us with secular humanism at best, or with a deep and ugly cynicism at worst.

Marriage is a sacrament. To say you don't believe in marriage is as nonsensical as saying you don't believe in naming your children, or giving your parents a funeral. We have very few major public sacraments in a lifetime; our naming day, our wedding day, our funeral. Our baptismal day - we are too young to remember. Our funeral, well - we cannot join the fun. Our weddings are the only time in our lives that all the people we love best in the world are with us, to wish us all the best - and its the only public sacrament where you can dance!

sacrament

c.1175, from O.Fr. sacrament (12c.), from L. sacramentum "a consecrating," from sacrare "to consecrate" (see sacred); a Church Latin loan-translation of Gk. mysterion "mystery."

When you get married, it doesn't matter if you believe that marriage is a sacrament. Most people who get married don't seem to comprehend that its a form of magic... you really ARE consecrated at this point. So, people enter for the reasons of paperwork, or with the idea that they can always get out of it... with thier eyes closed, or fingers crossed... but they are just as married. They just pretty much guarentee a bad ending. Because, you don't FUCK AROUND with magic.

In marriage, you consecrate yourselves to each other. You remain yourself, yet become more. You promise to dedicate yourself to each other, and to strive in all things to make each other happy. It is the only sacrament we have where we can recreate ourselves, our relationships, our families - and strive for something greater, outside ourselves - by creating a new thing. We create a family - we dedicate and sacrifice ourselves, and in doing so - we grow in ways that we cannot otherwise grow. It is not the same as living together... and it transends romantic love.

Its a pretty wonderful thing.

These are the vows I took - I held to them, sometimes joyfully - sometimes not. But I understood them as a sacrament, and was bound by the committment I made.

WITH this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow: In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

I also promised to love, cherish and obey. I did my best, and I was a very good wife. I really liked the "with my body I thee worship" part....

I liked being married. I liked being dedicated to something outside of myself. I entered it with a full understanding of what I was saying, doing, and promising. I'm sorry my marriage ended, and I wish that Nick had not screwed with the magic by believing that he could be unmarried just because he didn't mean what he said.... because he still was married, but he missed out on much that could have been great, and didn't appreciate what he had until it was gone. But, even though the ending was so sad, I am not sorry I did it. It made me a better person. I can't even say the marriage was a failure - only that sometimes, things end - despite your best intentions.

This is not to say that I want to be married anytime soon. To say never would be a lie... but I believe in marriage. I believe in the sacramental. When I love someone, it is a sacrament. When I make love - at its best, it is a sacrament. I am at my best when I live a sacrametal life and try and remember that I live in a sacramental world. I think this is true of all people.... and its sad to me that we live in a world where the bad guys have grabbed all that is holy, and left the rest of us so bereft of our beliefs in magic.