Commitment

All of us, at all times and in every way, are getting exactly what we’re committed to getting.

So, I got the above quote off of a new age website, and I don't much care for new age websites.... but, ""The fault, dear Brutus, lies not in our stars, but in ourselves..."

I want someone to do this, to feel that, and to behave thusly.... but, if I am a responsible human, I must take responsibility for exactly what I am recieving. I am so caught up in feeling right, feeling secure in this relationship... that I am never where I am, but always somewhere else.

All of us, at all times and in every way, are getting exactly what we’re committed to getting.

So, I am commited to recieving what I am getting. If this were not so, I would be getting something else.

Perhaps part of the problem is that I am playing an endgame here. I am trying to commit to an outcome, rather than a process, and Ale - well - he has clearly said that he is commited to "the process". "We stay together well... we should get to know each other better"

No matter how much I want to hear "Ti Amo" - I should probably stop discounting Ale's commitment to me. Clearly, I am important to him. Not as important, perhaps, as I would like to be, but not someone he takes lightly.

So - perhaps here, if I quell my ever present anxiety, I ought to examine what exactly I AM recieving.

1.) The most amazing, connected, wonderful, astonishing sex I have ever had in my life -

2.) Lots of wonderful meals out, lovely dinners, concerts, plays, motorcycle rides

3.) Did I mention really hot sex?

4.) Great conversations about esoteric things with someone whose life experience has been completely different than mine.

5.) Lots of fun, especially when I am relaxed enough to have fun!

6.) A man who doesnt mind helping me shop for clothes

7.) A lot of physical contact, touching, stroking, kissing, hand holding.

8.) A man who is unfailingly a gentleman. He holds doors open, gives me his jacket if I am cold, lets me wear the good motorcycle helmet, always pays for EVERYTHING (and mostly won't let me pay!)

9.) 2 or 3 nights a week of undivided attention.

10.) A willingness to be in this process with me. And, a willingness to TALK about our relationship.

11.) Did I mention the multiple orgasm factor?

Yes. I will want more in the future. Yes, I AM looking for a life partner. But, if I were commited to getting that, right now, I suppose that this is what I would be getting. Therefore... if this is to be an honest commitment - this is what I need to say right now...

"I am committed to NOT having a life partner right now."

"I am committed to being single, and in a dating relationship with Alessio."

ok - and NOW the hard one.... the one I think I want to change....

"I am committed to being uncertain that I am lovable. I am commited to the idea that no one will ever REALLY love me."

Now - this one I stick with, because somewhere along the line, I decided that this is so. (thanks, mom) - and this is a commitment to myself that I need to change. Alessio didn't do this to me. Nick did, I suppose, and my Mom did, I suppose. But when we are an adult, we put away childish things. I was NEVER not lovable, I was born worthy of love, and hope, and optimism.

Furthermore, my commitment that no one will be able to really love me puts a big block around my heart. Because, seriously - words or no words, I will not be able to hear, see, feel, or believe that I am loved. Its a good way to stay a little safe, and a really good way to not ever feel loved.

So, today... I commit to myself. I commit to changing this unconcious commitment that I am not lovable, and to embracing the love that Ale obviously shows me. I commit to being brave, and knowing - whether we stay or part, that my intrinsic lovliness is god given, and not something that can be bestowed or withheld, by any other person than myself.

I feel better already.