I wish I had a sense of humor left but I am really feeling sorry for myself right now.
My deepest nuerotic self is screaming her fears in my ears: ANOTHER failed relationship. Another man who can't love you, because you are so defective. You're OLD. You're UGLY. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU. You BLEW it. You FUCKED UP. Everything you did was WRONG. You WASTED your time.
I wonder if other people have these fears, and just don't admit it, or if I am really alone in beling so full of self hatred.
The better part of myself knows that none of this is really true, but fear is so much louder than logic and good sense. I suspect that these are everyone's deepest and most despairing fears - but that usually, people just pretend not to have them.
In any case, I hurt, because I want to hold onto false hopes. I have held onto them for a year now, because strangely enough, I think when you find someone you really like, who you enjoy, and who is a perfect sexual partner - you should try and make it work. Perfect sexual partners are rare.
He is attractive, gallant, and I like him. But - he doesnt read books, he doesnt think deeply, he is kind of a fake buddist because he doesnt really have the learning to back it up. He is shallow. He was never really into me, and the fact that I was really into him cost me his respect - and he never ever respected me. He never SAW me.
I am responsible for this whole thing. I know that. I must take 100 percent responsibility for my life. My problem is that I have a hard time seperating responsible from "wrong" and "guilt" and "shame". I allowed him to not respect me, I allowed this relationship to continue, even though I knew he wasnt that into me. I knew that my hopes were futile, and yet I continued this anyway. I think that this is the part that hurts the most.
I have to find the time to do our break up conversation, and to get my closure on this. I wish that it weren't happening, I wish Nick wasnt going to be here right now, I wish I weren't such a stupid girl.
And I wish I werent feeling so sorry for myself.
1 comment:
First, we all have the fears you described. You are NOT, however, old, ugly or unlovable. Those are, just to be clear, not true things.
One of the things I know about responsibility (don't stop me if I've said this before...it bears repeating. Especially back at me when I forget it, too) is that to "BE" responsible is so definitely clear in our society. We have it shoved at us for years with no supporting explanations or follow-up. To "TAKE" responsibility (such a foreign concept, particularly in America today) is a completely different thing.
Remember that you are taking responsibility for whatever has happened in your life to date. That doesn't mean you "did" it. That doesn't mean you "caused" it. It doesn't mean you "started it, but, by God, you'll finish it," kinda thing.
Do you hear my distinction? Okay, here comes the "youth pastor" in me (sorry): Be happy with your choice because you made it and you alone. Others blame their lives on other people for the entirety of their days and the whole of their being, but you've never been like that. You have always, always represented responsibility to me. Even at my most uncomfortable moments.
Does that help?
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