On Being an Ice Princess

For some reason, its been a troubling week or so for me. My mind is running at full bore, refusing to be disciplined, refusing to concentrate at given tasks that I need to do. Sometimes this is just neurosis, but sometimes it means I need to pay attention. Often, I am avoiding something important, and becoming upset with situations that have little or nothing to do with what is actually "wrong".

A few weeks ago, while playing in the personal dramas inside my mind, Mama'Laine said something important to me. She said... and I paraphrase, that I cannot really begin something new until I have resolved the old things that are running my life. In this case, she was speaking of Nick. That somehow, I need to come to terms with the dissoulution of my marriage, and for the sake of Spike - we need to be friends.

She accused me of being outraged. Of being angry. But - I swear, my anger is not the cause of my behavior. When I am angry, I'm pretty loud. What I am is this: I'm frozen.

Freezing is what I do when I am afraid. I go cold. I turn to stone. I become an ice princess. Remote, arrogant, immovable. From the outside, its very fearsome - like the way a cat, when threatened, can double in size by puffing out its fur.

When I was younger, this was my perpetual state. I remember the first time I was told that others believed I was arrogant and cold - and how shocked I was. Because I was never really arrogant, I didn't have that much self-esteem. What I was was simply terrified. Fortunately, I rarely treat strangers this way any more - I save it now for people I care about.

I even know the origin of this. Blame Simon and Garfunkel.

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window
to the streets below
On a freshly fallen
silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock, I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship;
friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.

I am a rock, I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber
of feelings that have died.
If I never loved
I never would have cried.
I am a rock,I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry
to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room,
safe within my womb.
I touch no one and
no one touches me.
Iam a rock,
Iam an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

Now, only a rather romantic teenager could adopt this as a life philosophy. But adopt it I did. It got me through ages 11 and 12 and 13 and 14 - all the way into 44. And bless me, it worked. It kept me safe. I stayed behind my walls, and I felt nothing, for a very long time.

Sometimes, someone would catch me off guard, and they could come in - but for the most part, I stayed numb and frozen. I did learn to love, but it took a lot to gain my trust. I did make friends, but honestly - they were only guards whom I trusted to protect the fortress walls.

Then, I met Elaine and Rhoberta. Slowly - ever so slowly, I came out of my tower, and mostly I got better. I stopped being always afraid of everyone and everything... I started making genuine freindships that weren't between the adored princess and trusty servant.

But, when I am afraid, I go to my tower and I hide. I go numb. I become imperious and demanding and cold, and unapproachable. What can I say? It works.

But you know what happens if you are an ice princess? You can't MOVE. You're STUCK. It's uncomfortable. Nothing changes.

Now - why am I so afraid of Nick? Well - he betrayed my trust. He rescued the princess in the tower, but he did it not for true love, but simply to get the jewelry. He hurt me as much as any other human ever has, and more than I will ever allow another human to do again. (thats a pretty promise now... isn't it?) It's NOT about the anger. If I wasn't frozen, I could process the anger. It isn't about the outrage... though his actions were pretty outrageous.

Its really about the fear that I trusted him once, and he nearly shattered me - and if I let him in, even an inch, he might find a way to do it again. He has proven himself dangerous, as well as disloyal and untrustworthy. I'm not sure how to keep myself safe, and still let him back into my life... it is better to feel nothing at all... unless... unless... unless.....

I change the paradigm. I re-imagine the mythology. I find a better philosophy than one written for an adolescent girl.

I know what I NEED to do, but I do not know where to find the courage. I need to allow myself to remember, that despite the fact that he is a complete fuck, I did like him once upon a time. The fact that he was a complete fuck wasn't hidden from my view for the entire 18 odd years that I loved him... I knew he was a jerk, and I loved him anyway. He has many good qualities, in and amongst his dysfunctional and narcississtic personality disorders. We were, even when I was an imaginary princess - really truly freinds (or I think we must have been....)

He's smart. He is capable of stunning acts of kindness. He really cares about things that are paramount to me; social justice, helping the helpless, the plight of the worlds children - and most importantly - he cares about our son.

Somehow, I need to be able to look at him again, and remember and value the things about him that are really truely admirable, and have compassion for all the places he is broken and unhealed.... and somehow let this soften and open my heart, instead of freezing it and making it smaller.

Because as much as I like it, being a princess in a tower just isnt working anymore. It still hurts. I don't feel safe, no matter how high these walls are, no matter how many guards are at the door. And living in a tower isnt really a life anyway, not when I need to move on and see the rest of the world.